The Two Towers (Unedited script)

[Private_Pile]

By the way i dont actually write this stuff...



FADE IN:

INT. MINES - FLASHBACK

We pan quickly over the interior of the cave in which IAN
MCKELLEN DIED and watch him fight the FIRE DEMON THING.

AUDIENCE
Boy, I sure am excited about this
movie. At a time when film heroes
are replaced with CGI models, it
sure is nice to sit and watch a
movie which doesn't feel mostly like
a 3D cartoon.

CGI IAN MCKELLEN plummets into the abyss below, riding CGI
FIRE MONSTER in a ridiculous, cartoony way. They fall, and
fall, and fall, and fall. The scene goes on forever, only to
end abruptly with...

FLASH CUT TO:

EXT. LUSH MOUNTAINS

ELIJAH WOOD awakens from a nightmare!

ELIJAH WOOD
(panting)
Ahh! CGI! Everywhere! The
destruction of modern cinema!

SEAN ASTIN
What is it, Elijah? Your constant
expression of infinite worry appears
slightly more defined than usual.

ELIJAH WOOD
Huh? Oh.. nothing.. I dreamed that I
was the star in an epic adventure
story that reduced itself to a just
another mindless CGI cartoon by the
second part.

SEAN ASTIN
Oh, well don't worry, our epic uses
CGI only when crucial, and it tends
to do so in subtle ways - mostly for
rendering enormous crowds of people
and vivid landscapes; never for
something that the audience would
really focus on.

Suddenly, CGI GOLLUM appears.

GOLLUM
Hi. I speak in a really obnoxious
manner and exist to apparently only
slow the movie down and add
occasional attempts at humor.

ELIJAH WOOD
But this is entirely unlike Jar
Jar, who sucks! Give this man some
awards!

GOLLUM
I want the ring, but more
importantly, I want to be loved. I
will lead you to Mordor.

EXT. THE WOODS

BILLY BOYD and DOMINIC MONAGHAN are being mistreated by THE
EVIL ORCS who kidnapped them, while JOHN RHYS-DAVIES,
ORLANDO BLOOM, and VIGGO MORTENSEN are on the trail, slowed
down by the inappropriate comedy of JOHN'S inability to run.

RANDOM DISGUSTING ORC #1
Let's eat the annoying hobbits.

RANDOM DISGUSTING ORC #2
That's barbaric! Let's just eat
their legs! That will surely feed at
least half of one of us.

SUDDENLY KARL URBAN and his BAND OF PURPOSELESS SOLDIERS
storm in and kill EVERYONE. BILLY and DOMINIC enter the
woods, where they discover a GODDAMN TALKING TREE.

GODDAMN TALKING TREE
I... speak... slowly... and...
I'm... incredibly... dull. How...
can... I... help... you?

BILLY BOYD
Well, you could let us ride you
back and forth around the woods for
the duration of this film, so that
semi-interesting scenes can be
interrupted needlessly to show the
audience that we, indeed, are still
riding a goddamn talking tree.

GODDAMN TALKING TREE
Only on the condition that everyone
forgets that, if this were any other
film, you would all think talking
trees were stupid and childish,
which they are.

They ride a slow-moving tree and don't ever seem to stop.

EXT. NEW ZEALAND

JOHN RHYS-DAVIES, ORLANDO BLOOM, and VIGGO MORTENSEN run
into KARL URBAN and his SMALL BAND OF PURPOSELESS SOLDIERS.

VIGGO MORTENSEN
We are looking for two hobbits. They
would look like children to you.

KARL URBAN
Oh. Well, we killed everything that
moved.

ORLANDO BLOOM
Even children?

KARL URBAN
Yes, apparently I wouldn't put it
past myself to have killed what
appeared to be children. I'm still
heroic though. Good luck.

He leaves to go nowhere in particular, since he basically
has no goal.

VIGGO MORTENSEN
My God, we were too late to help.

JOHN RHYS-DAVIES
We have failed the Fellowship.
Again.

VIGGO looks at the ground for a moment.

VIGGO MORTENSEN
Oh wait, I can tell from this dirt,
which holds hundreds of overlapping
footprints and hoofprints, that the
hobbits crawled their way out of a
battle, cut their ropes, and ran
into the woods.

They go into the woods, but luckily don't run into any
talking trees.

ORLANDO BLOOM
A white wizard is near. Get ready to
fail to kill him.

Suddenly, IAN MCKELLEN shows up, fresh from a shower!

IAN MCKELLEN
I'm alive! And Christopher was
right, it's really the second
conditioning that makes all the
difference.

VIGGO MORTENSEN
Holy shit! I thought you died! What
happened to you?

IAN MCKELLEN
Well, I fought the fire demon
thing, then I watched the ending of
2001 for a few minutes, then I was
back here.

ORLANDO BLOOM
Have you seen Billy Boyd or Dominic
Monaghan?

IAN MCKELLEN
Yeah, they ran into me. If I was
Christopher Lee like you thought,
they'd have been killed by now.

JOHN RHYS-DAVIES
Then we have failed the Fellowship.
Yet again.

IAN MCKELLEN
Yep. If you think about it, you guys
have been pretty monumental failures
so far. I'm pulling you off the
Fellowship project. Let's go to
Rohan and help Bernard Hill defend
his kingdom. Maybe you'll actually
be good at that.

EXT. MORE OF NEW ZEALAND

GOLLUM leads ELIJAH WOOD and SEAN ASTIN through more
MOUNTAINS and a SWAMP and then SOME MORE MOUNTAINS and
eventually arrives at the GATE OF MORDOR.

ELIJAH WOOD
Cool. Thanks, Gollum. Come on,
Astin, let's go destroy the ring.

GOLLUM
(grabbing him)
Holy shit, that was your plan? Walk
through the gate and hope for the
best? How the fuck did you guys
survive this far? Follow me, I'll
take you to the secret entrance to
Mordor.

SEAN ASTIN
Secret entrance? Why the hell
didn't you tell us sooner?

GOLLUM
Because then our part of the
adventure would have been concise
and entertaining, completely absent
of useless scenes that could easily
be edited out of the film. It would
hardly belong in this trilogy at
all!

They go in a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT DIRECTION to get to the
SECRET ENTRANCE.

ELIJAH WOOD
Jesus, what a complete waste of
time so far. Two hours of
adventuring, completely undone
within seconds. What could possibly
be more boring?

We are treated to more of BILLY and DOMINIC riding the
GODDAMN TALKING TREE.

ELIJAH WOOD
Oh yeah.

EXT. ROHAN

IAN and the REST OF THE FELLOWSHIP enter the village of
ROHAN and greet the king, BERNARD HILL, who is actually
CHRISTOPHER LEE.

IAN MCKELLEN
The Power of Tolkien Compels You!

BERNARD HILL
You are powerless against me!

IAN MCKELLEN
Oh yeah?

He removes his robe to show his BRIGHT WHITE CLOAK.

BERNARD HILL
Oh no! White! Suddenly I recognize
your power!

IAN MCKELLEN
I cast you out, unclean Wizard!

CHRISTOPHER LEE leaves the body of BERNARD HILL.

BERNARD HILL
Wow, that was weird. Okay, so
there's a big army of Orcs coming,
eh? Let's all go to Helm's Deep, a
fortress that seems unreasonably far
away.

Everyone travels to HELM'S DEEP. Suddenly, they are attacked
by an UNFINISHED SPECIAL EFFECT. A large battle ensues.
VIGGO gets KILLED!

LIV TYLER
Here is a montage of breathtakingly
dull scenes between Viggo and
myself. One of them is a dream
sequence that contains a fantasy
future sequence. This is only here
to remind you that I'm part of the
story, so that you give a shit about
me in the third film.

Eventually, the "soften edges" tool runs out of memory and
the scene has to stop. VIGGO makes his way to HELM'S DEEP
behind everyone else.

EXT. GONDOR.

ELIJAH and SEAN have been taken CAPTIVE by ROHAN SOLDIERS.

DAVID WENHAM
Welcome to Gondor. What is your
business around these parts?

ELIJAH WOOD
I don't even know anymore. It seems
like all I do in this movie is waste
time so that the ring can be
destroyed in the third movie instead
of the second one.

DAVID WENHAM
Ring? The ring of power? I'm taking
that.
(pause)
Nevermind, that would be wrong. Be
on your way. Good luck.

EXT. HELM'S DEEP

CRAIG PARKER and his ARMY OF ELVES show up to help. Everyone
is ready for an ENORMOUS ANIMATED BATTLE. TEN THOUSAND ORCS
arrive and storm the fortress.

BERNARD HILL
OMFG ORC RUSH!!!!1

ORC LEADER
LOL!

BERNARD HILL
GAY! FUCK YOU GUYS!!

* BERNARD_HILL HAS LEFT THE GAME

ORC LEADER
ROFL! PWN3D!

Eventually, IAN MCKELLEN, KARL URBAN, and KARL'S ARMY WHICH
IS NOW A HUNDRED TIMES LARGER show up! They win!

The RIDICULOUS GROUP OF TALKING TREES totally destroys
CHRISTOPHER LEE'S BARRACKS. They win too, but they lose THE
BATTLE TO NOT RUIN THE MOVIE.

END

[Krunkert]

You have too much free time, But so do I since I read it all.

It was funny though

[MonkeyWorks]

No offense Pile but that is the stupidest crap I have ever read or I should say started to read :thumbsdown:

[Lord ALF]

you took the word right out of my mouth Monkey. That is about 1 minute of my life that i'll never get back... and could have been better spent playing CS:S.

[Private_Pile]

I know many of you cant be arsed reading this but bare in my that it took me... 2 seconds to cut and paste this so you could at least spare ten minutes to read it!

I dont care, this is the last one chaps...


FADE IN:

EXT. ISENGARD

IAN MCKELLEN, VIGGO MORTENSEN, ORLANDO BLOOM, JOHN RHYS
DAVIES, and BERNARD HILL meet back up with BILLY BOYD and
DOMINIC MONAGHAN.

IAN MCKELLEN
Good to see you both again. I see
you've found a goddamn talking tree.

GODDAMN TALKING TREE
Yeah, this is my last scene in the
trilogy, don't worry.

BILLY BOYD
Hey, I found a strange glowing
ball. Despite the fact that I live
in a world with talking trees and
cloaked villains with no faces, I
will trustingly pick up this object,
as though it wasn't some awful thing
that could destroy me immediately.

It doesn't do anything to him.

IAN MCKELLEN
Give me that, stupid.
(scowling)
Pathetically moronic halfling
dipshit.

EXT. MOUNTAINS

ELIJAH WOOD, SEAN ASTIN, and GOLLUM walk through some more
mountains. GOLLUM talks about killing them, SEAN gets angry
at GOLLUM, ELIJAH defends him because he sympathizes. Same
old shit.

INT. INN

BILLY picks up the SHINY BALL, which, this time, DOES
immediately screw with him.

IAN MCKELLEN
You completely worthless boob! What
did you tell him?

BILLY BOYD
Nothing.

IAN MCKELLEN
Really?

BILLY BOYD
I told him about the time I broke
my mothers favorite vase and blamed
it on the dog. And I told him about
the time I snuck into the girl's
shower and played with myself. And I
told him that sometimes when nobody
is around I like to pull the wings
off of bugs and pretend I'm a giant
and I make them beg for--

IAN MCKELLEN
That's enough, you twit. Did you see
anything?

BILLY BOYD
I saw a deleted scene off the DVD
where some white tree is burning.

IAN MCKELLEN
That's no deleted scene! To Minas
Tirith! Everyone, gather as many
soldiers as you can! The battle for
Middle Earth begins!

IAN and BILLY ride to MINAS TIRITH to speak with JOHN
NOBLE.

IAN MCKELLEN
Once we're inside, Billy, make sure
not to speak, lest you allow your
mind-boggling stupidity to unravel
the very fabric of space-time.

BILLY BOYD
Dude, you turn into kind of an
******* when you get some actual
screen time.

JOHN NOBLE
He's not as bad as me. I am a
totally despicable person. I wish my
other son had died. I will eat my
food in as disgusting a manner as
possible as my other son is sent off
to his death. Har har har!
(pause)
It's a good thing I'm such a
loathsome individual, otherwise the
eventual rise of Viggo Mortensen to
the throne would be complicated for
the audience.

Meanwhile...

EXT. SOME OTHER CITY

HUGO WEAVING comes and talks to VIGGO.

HUGO WEAVING
Viggo, my daughter has chosen to
become mortal so she can marry you
and have a child named Link.

VIGGO MORTENSEN
Oh, hmm, ouch. Awkward. See, I kinda
have my eye on Bernard Hill's
daughter now. Besides, shouldn't she
have waited to give up immortality
for me until after this war is over,
to make sure I come out of it alive?

HUGO WEAVING
Well, I can help you live through
it. Here is the Ridiculously Phallic
Sword of the King.

VIGGO MORTENSEN
Holy shit! It's too bad our army is
so small that we'll all die anyway.

HUGO WEAVING
Not if you use your new status as a
king to convince an enormous army of
invincible ghosts to fight with you.

VIGGO MORTENSEN
Army of ghosts? We just can't make
this story stupid enough for people
to dislike it, can we?

EXT. MOUNTAINS

GOLLUM leads ELIJAH and SEAN to a GREEN FORTRESS and takes
them up a mountainside. Inside the green fortress, the WITCH
KING, a mostly NEW VILLAIN, is preparing for battle. He
rarely speaks and we know almost nothing of his character
background, but it is communicated to the AUDIENCE that he
is EVIL by giving him a devil-like face with horns and
raspy, angry-sounding voice.

WITCH KING
But this is nothing like Darth
Maul, who sucks! Boo!

MEANWHILE, at the top of the mountain, ELIJAH gets ATTACKED
BY A GIANT SPIDER! He gets STABBED.

ELIJAH WOOD
Ulp! At least I went one whole
movie without getting stabbed!
(paralyzed)

Some ORCS who aren't BUSY WAGING THE BATTLE ON MIDDLE EARTH
come by, steal him, and take him into MORDOR.

ORC #1
Because we are bad guys, we will
now engage in infighting which will
allow a good guy to move about
unnoticed.

ORC #2
Yarr! Why do henchmen in movies
always do this at the worst times?

They FIGHT, and SEAN ASTIN arrives to kick some ASS. He and
ELIJAH head toward MOUNT DOOM.

EXT. MINAS TIRITH

The EVIL HORDES battle the HEROS. Thousands die violently in
the BATTLE FOR MIDDLE EARTH BUT MOSTLY FOR THIS CITY THAT
LOOKS LIKE A WEDDING CAKE. The WITCH KING kills the old and
wise BERNARD HILL. MIRANDA OTTO and DOMINIC kill him quickly
in response.

WITCH KING
Oh no, I have been dispatched with
anti-climactic ease after a great
deal of build up for my character's
power. Truly, I deserved this end
for behaving arrogantly to the young
person still alive after killing
their mentor! Again, this is nothing
at all like Darth Maul, because Lord
of the Rings is cinematic
brilliance!
(dies)

Eventually, VIGGO MORTENSEN shows up with his SILLY ARMY OF
THE DEAD. They effortlessly slaughter the EVIL FORCES.

VIGGO MORTENSEN
Ha! I finally did something right!

MIRANDA OTTO
Sort of. Had you gotten here sooner,
we could have killed all of the Orcs
without sustaining any casualties of
our own, and my father would be
alive.

VIGGO MORTENSEN
Oh. Damn.

IAN MCKELLEN
So, you know what I just realized?
I can't believe I didn't think of
this in the first movie. Even if
Elijah and Sean get into Mordor,
there will be thousands of Orcs
there to stop them from destroying
the ring. How silly of me not to see
this glaringly obvious problem
sooner.

VIGGO MORTENSEN
Wait. What if we went to Mordor's
gate and fought? We'd draw them all
out! Then instead of being inside
Mordor, standing between Elijah and
Mount Doom, they'd all be at the
gate, killing us!

ORLANDO BLOOM
A diversion.

VIGGO MORTENSEN
Thank you, Orlando Obviousleaf, son
of Duh.

They go to MORDOR to GET KILLED. Instead of sending an
appropriate number of TROOPS, SAURON sends about ten times
as many as needed, emptying out the interior of MORDOR so
that ELIJAH and SEAN can pass safely.

ELIJAH WOOD
I can't go on, Sean. I am but a
broken shell of the joyful Hobbit I
once was, now overcome with an
infinite melancholy that cannot be
understood by anyone who has not
bore the burden of this ring! My
incessantly melodramatic acting has
petrified me where I lay.

SEAN ASTIN
Then I will carry you!

ELIJAH WOOD
Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!

They go throw the RING into the fire. SAURON'S TOWERS fall
to the ground and all of his underlings are defeated.

IAN MCKELLEN picks up ELIJAH and SEAN on a GIANT EAGLE and
flies them to safety.

END

VIGGO is crowned the new king, and everyone bows before the
HOBBITS. Even BILLY BOYD, who didn't really do anything.

END

The HOBBITS return to their village, where they are treated
like normal people, which is kind of disappointing, so
Elijah gets the hell out of there and writes a book.

END

SEAN ASTIN marries some GIRL WE NEVER MET AND DON'T CARE
ABOUT

SEAN ASTIN
My scene is only here so that the
film can end with the same words as
the book! Isn't that worth the movie
not ending on the feel-good image of
everyone bowing down to all of us?

It ISN'T.

END
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