Private_Pile
02-09-2005, 05:47 PM
I'm back, i dont know if any of you take the time to read these but you should as they are very funny...
FADE IN:
INT. NEW LINE STUDIOS
PETER JACKSON is meeting with various NEW LINE EXECUTIVES.
PETER JACKSON
..and that's my proposal. What do
you say?
EXECUTIVE #1
Wait, so, you want three hundred
million dollars to create nine total
hours of film for an adaptation of
the Lord of the Rings trilogy?
PETER JACKSON
Nearly twelve hours for the full
editions.
EXECUTIVE #2
And you want us to greenlight this
based on your previous work of...
(consulting a memo)
A movie about rat monkeys and flesh
eating zombies and an unfunny comedy
ghost movie starring Michael J. Fox?
PETER JACKSON
Right. And I want all the money up
front, because I demand that I be
able to make all three films at the
same time.
The executives stare at JACKSON as if he just took a shit
on their rug and autographed it. Miraculously, he is allowed
to adapt the trilogy and ACTUALLY FUCKING PULLS IT OFF.
EXT. BIG, OPEN BATTLEFIELD
Various computer-generated creatures face off. A NARRATOR
explains the background story as a jaw-dropping battle
ensues on-screen.
NARRATOR
So, this dude, Sauron, made a big
badass ring. He did some nasty shit
with it, and then he got killed and
this human took it. Then he did
nasty shit, too. The ring made
everyone an ******* and then Ian
Holm got it, but he was less of an
******* with it.
AUDIENCE
Wow! They just summarized the
entire background in a matter of
minutes, doing so with the help of
an outstandingly impressive fight
sequence. If the rest of the movie
is like this, then this might just
be the greatest epic adventure film
ever created.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Oh, no, see, this was short, to-the
point, and interesting. The rest of
my movie is anything but that. Did
you go to the bathroom yet? You
probably should.
EXT. LUSH, BEAUTIFUL FANTASY VILLAGE
IAN MCKELLEN arrives. ELIJAH WOOD runs up to him.
IAN MCKELLEN
I am old and sage! I bring a sense
of dignity and elegance to all that
I do, and I appear to be a master of
all things intellectual.
ELIJAH WOOD
Actually, the most impressive thing
you'll do is set off a bunch of
fireworks. Then you get your ass
kicked by a better wizard, fail to
get us through a door because you're
too stupid to solve an easy riddle,
and then die.
IAN MCKELLEN
Oh. Well, at least I wasn't in
"North", you putrid piece of shit.
ELIJAH WOOD
Dammit.
IAN MCKELLEN
So anyway, where's Ian Holm? I
heard he's got the plot to this
movie in his pocket somewhere.
INT. IAN HOLM'S COMICALLY SMALL HOME
IAN MCKELLEN enters, hitting his head on objects.
IAN HOLM
There you are, you sage old wizard!
They smoke from IAN MCKELLEN'S PIPE.
IAN HOLM (CONT'D)
Ah, truly have the finest weed in
Middle Earth.
IAN MCKELLEN
Heh. Both of our names are Ian.
IAN HOLM
Holy shit! You're right!
IAN HOLM falls backwards, laughing hysterically.
IAN HOLM (CONT'D)
(suddenly dead serious)
Dude! Every time I laugh, I think
it's my lung trying to escape a
little bit. Maybe that's what
laughing is. Lungs use humor to
trick us into letting them escape.
Whoa.
IAN MCKELLEN
Ha, you're so fucked up!
IAN HOLM
Oh, wanna see something cool? This
will totally make you trip balls.
IAN slips on the RING OF POWER and turns invisible.
IAN HOLM (CONT'D)
(invisible)
Whoa, where'd I go? Where'd I go?
Ha ha!
(removing the ring)
Isn't that awesome?
IAN MCKELLEN
Ian! You stupid bastard! That's the
Ring of Power, forged centuries ago
by the evil Lord Sauron! It is the
key to the greatest power in all the
land! It is sought after by the most
wicked of evil forces and as
Sauron's spirit grows stronger, he
comes closer to obtaining it and
enslaving Middle Earth!
IAN HOLM
Shit. Buzz killer, dude. Not cool.
IAN MCKELLEN
Give me the ring. Then go away and
write your book. Elijah Wood and I
will destroy it.
IAN HOLM
Elijah Wood? Wasn't he that little
puke in "The Good Son"?
IAN MCKELLEN
That was Macaulay Culkin.
IAN HOLM
Wait, am I thinking of the wrong
person?
IAN MCKELLEN
Elijah was the snot-nosed little
twerp in the Flipper movie.
IAN HOLM
Oh, right, that fucker.
IAN MCKELLEN
Yeah. I'm going to travel with him
to the treacherous volcano Mount
Doom. Once there, we will destroy
this evil thing once and for good.
IAN HOLM
The ring?
IAN MCKELLEN
Elijah. But I'll make him wear the
ring before I shove him in.
IAN HOLM leaves. ELIJAH enters.
ELIJAH WOOD
Heya Ian! I just came by to see--
IAN MCKELLEN
Elijah, you must take this ring. It
is the Ring of Power, forged by the
evil Lord Sauron long ago. Travel to
a far away land with your cohorts. I
will meet you there and we will
venture to Mount Doom to destroy the
ring. You must arrive safely - the
fate of Middle Earth depends on your
success.
ELIJAH WOOD
Er..uh..I just wanted to ask you if
you wanted to play some Nintendo.
IAN MCKELLEN
There's no time, Elijah! I must go
find Christopher Lee and seek his
guidance. Good luck, the fate of all
life rests in your small, hairy
hands.
ELIJAH WOOD
I.. uh..
IAN MCKELLEN
(bolting out the door)
Don't fuck up!
ELIJAH stares at the ring. As he does so, his face contorts
to an expression of limitless fear. His eyes widen and his
mouth gapes slightly open with shock and terror. This
expression never leaves his face again - ever.
SEAN ASTIN
Hey Elijah, these two
interchangeable Hobbits and I want
to go with you on your quest.
ELIJAH WOOD
Okay, but only if you all act so
moronically that you not only nearly
sabotage our mission repeatedly, but
also drastically undermine the
otherwise serious tone of the film.
BILLY BOYD
I farted. Tee-hee!
INT. CHRISTOPHER LEE'S HOME OR A CHURCH OR SOME SHIT
CHRISTOPHER LEE and IAN MCKELLEN walk around and chat.
IAN MCKELLEN
It's good seeing you again,
Christopher Lee. I like what you've
done with your hair, how do you keep
it so tangle-free?
CHRISTOPHER LEE
Well, Ian, I condition when
showering, brush it straight while
still in the shower, and then
condition again. The secret is in
the second conditioning.
IAN MCKELLEN
Brilliant! See, this is why you're
obviously the better wizard.
CHRISTOPHER LEE
Actually, it's funny you should say
that, Ian. You see, I'm about to
beat the living snot out of you.
IAN MCKELLEN
Come again?
CHRISTOPHER brings out a small card.
CHRISTOPHER LEE
Ha! I summon Gaea's Skyfolk, a 2/2
with flying.
IAN MCKELLEN
Hmm. Okay, I'm going to cast
Exclude, which counters your spell
and lets lets me also draw a card.
Oh! A Bloodfire Kavu! I summon him.
CHRISTOPHER LEE
You can't do that, you can't summon
until your turn, it's still my turn.
IAN MCKELLEN
No it's not! I just did the counter
spell!
CHRISTOPHER LEE
That was an instant! God, now I
remember why I hate playing with
you! Fuck this!
CHRISTOPHER uses his WIZARD STICK to rip IAN MCKELLEN a
BRAND NEW *******.
EXT. LUSH, BEAUTIFUL LANDSCAPE
ELIJAH and the OTHER HOBBITS walk around NEW ZEALAND. A lot.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Isn't this great? Them walking
around in this world... this
completely fantastical world...of
New Zealand..
AUDIENCE
Yeah, it's really pretty.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
(bemused)
It really is...
Minutes pass.
AUDIENCE
Uh..you, uh, gonna do something any
time soon?
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Huh? Oh, right, action. How about
some monsters?
Suddenly, some EVIL MONSTERS attack. A few monsters get
close to ELIJAH WOOD so he puts on the RING OF POWER to
become INVISIBLE.
ELIJAH WOOD
Ha! Bet you monsters didn't see
that coming!
ELIJAH is then STABBED anyway.
ELIJAH WOOD (CONT'D)
Gark!
VIGGO MORTENSEN jumps in and slaughters ELIJAH'S ATTACKERS.
But not really, because they never die.
VIGGO MORTENSEN
Elijah, are you all right? You must
survive! You are the only one who
can carry the ring! All others would
be tempted to wear it for personal
gain!
ELIJAH WOOD
Didn't I just put it on to save my
own ass?
VIGGO MORTENSEN
Yes, but then you got stabbed
anyway. See, if any of us were
corrupted by the ring, we'd be
intelligent enough to use it for our
own advantage. Hobbits, on the other
hand, are bumbling morons.
SEAN ASTIN
Hey, I resent that.
(pause)
Oooh, poisonous mushrooms, I wonder
if they're tasty!
ELIJAH WOOD
I think I'm dying. Can't you tell
from the perpetual worried
expression on my face?
VIGGO MORTENSEN
The only thing that can save you
now is Liv Tyler. Seriously.
LIV TYLER
My character is so thin that even
my voice seems overly stretched.
Luckily, though, I am pretty, which
is apparently all that is required
of a female in the world of Tolkien.
Please notice how softened my
appearance is, because I am female,
you see.
She looks PRETTY.
ELIJAH WOOD
So, um, about me dying...
LIV TYLER
Oh, right. I will take you backstage
at an Aerosmith concert, where your
wounds shall be healed.
EXT. THE LAND OF THE ELVES
HUGO WEAVING, looking unnecessarily cunning, talks to IAN
MCKELLEN, who escaped.
HUGO WEAVING
We must destroy the ring, Ian.
IAN MCKELLEN
Yeah, I was going to go to Mount
Doom with Elijah Wood and do that.
HUGO WEAVING
Elijah Wood? The whiny dipshit from
"Deep Impact"?
IAN MCKELLEN
Yeah.
HUGO WEAVING
No, that won't do at all. I will not
play a secondary part in a film
starring only him. Let's get some
other actors to go with him.
JOHN RHYS-DAVIES
I'll go, because I am grizzled and
brave, though my skill doesn't
measure up completely to my
confidence.
ORLANDO BLOOM
I will also go, because I am cute
to the females in the audience, as
well as a surprising number of
males.
SEAN BEAN
I shall also join, and I promise I
will absolutely not try to take the
ring. Wait, can I have the ring?
IAN MCKELLEN
No.
SEAN BEAN
Okay, then I promise not to try to
take it.
HUGO WEAVING
Excellent. Together, you will be
known as....
The overbearing, cheesy music swells.
HUGO WEAVING (CONT'D)
The Fellowship of the Ring!
AUDIENCE
Huh. This scene makes me feel like
the movie is actually just starting.
(laughing nervously)
But that's just absurd, right? I've
been sitting here for an hour. I
mean, it can't actually just be
getting going, right? Right?
The FELLOWSHIP walk across the mountains to make their way
to MORDOR. This plan FAILS and they have to pursue another
one.
The FELLOWSHIP walks around snow-covered mountains to make
their way to MORDOR. This plan ALSO FAILS and they have to
pursue another one.
The FELLOWSHIP walks through the mountains. This kind of
works, so they keep going.
IAN MCKELLEN
It's a good thing all of that
footage was included, since nothing
happened that affected the story at
all.
INT. VIVID, FRIGHTENING MINES
THE FELLOWSHIP travels through some MINES. Nothing happens
for a while again, then suddenly, the group is surrounded by
enemies again, which are defeated again. ELIJAH is stabbed
again.
ELIJAH WOOD
Ha! You were no match for my
Bilbo's Armor, which has +4 for
fortitude saves against stupid
looking CGI monsters.
They venture further through the mountain, but suddenly,
IAN MCKELLEN is KILLED by a FIRE DEMON.
VIGGO MORTENSEN
I guess that leaves me as the
interesting one, huh?
ELIJAH WOOD
Actually, for someone who is
essentially the focus of the last
book, you come off as amazingly dull
and transparent. I could quite
easily not notice you at all.
VIGGO MORTENSEN
Hey, at least I wasn't in "The
Faculty", you munchkin asshat.
They walk around NEW ZEALAND some more, and eventually meet
some more elves.
CATE BLANCHETT
Hi everyone. I'm the other female in
the movie. I'm exactly the same as
Liv Tyler, except shots of me have
had the edges softened even further.
My role is equally useless, though,
don't be fooled by the effects.
EXT. LUSH, BEAUTFUL LANDSCAPE
The FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING continues to travel around some
more. Once again, monsters eventually attack. Once again,
they are defeated, but not before kidnapping BILLY BOYD and
DOMINIC MONAGHAN.
ELIJAH WOOD
Hey! I didn't get stabbed this
time. There is nothing more I can
learn from you, brave adventurers. I
must go the rest of the way by
myself. And with Sean Astin.
JOHN RHYS-DAVIES
You don't want our help? Truly, we
have failed the Fellowship.
VIGGO MORTENSEN
There must be something heroic to
do. Hey, those two irritating
Hobbits can still be rescued! Let's
be valiant doing that!
ORLANDO BLOOM
That's what we've been reduced to?
Our role, as of the ending of the
first movie, is to rescue these two
idiots? You saw me shoot like 2
arrows per second from my Bow,
right? I'm pretty badass for an
effeminate blond.
ELIJAH and SEAN leave.
ELIJAH WOOD
I'm glad to be going on this
adventure with you, Sean Astin. You
make me look smart. We are closer to
Mount Doom, but we have a long way
to go.
AUDIENCE
A long way to go? Jesus Christ, how
much longer is this movie, I don't
think I can sit through any more of
watching people walk through New
Zealand aimlessly, getting
occasionally attacked by monsters.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Actually, the movie's over.
AUDIENCE
What? Are you serious? That's even
worse! They didn't do anything!
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
They walked around a lot.
AUDIENCE
I hate you. I hate you so much.
END
P.S Dont kill me, i love The lord of the Rings trilogy as much as you all do...
FADE IN:
INT. NEW LINE STUDIOS
PETER JACKSON is meeting with various NEW LINE EXECUTIVES.
PETER JACKSON
..and that's my proposal. What do
you say?
EXECUTIVE #1
Wait, so, you want three hundred
million dollars to create nine total
hours of film for an adaptation of
the Lord of the Rings trilogy?
PETER JACKSON
Nearly twelve hours for the full
editions.
EXECUTIVE #2
And you want us to greenlight this
based on your previous work of...
(consulting a memo)
A movie about rat monkeys and flesh
eating zombies and an unfunny comedy
ghost movie starring Michael J. Fox?
PETER JACKSON
Right. And I want all the money up
front, because I demand that I be
able to make all three films at the
same time.
The executives stare at JACKSON as if he just took a shit
on their rug and autographed it. Miraculously, he is allowed
to adapt the trilogy and ACTUALLY FUCKING PULLS IT OFF.
EXT. BIG, OPEN BATTLEFIELD
Various computer-generated creatures face off. A NARRATOR
explains the background story as a jaw-dropping battle
ensues on-screen.
NARRATOR
So, this dude, Sauron, made a big
badass ring. He did some nasty shit
with it, and then he got killed and
this human took it. Then he did
nasty shit, too. The ring made
everyone an ******* and then Ian
Holm got it, but he was less of an
******* with it.
AUDIENCE
Wow! They just summarized the
entire background in a matter of
minutes, doing so with the help of
an outstandingly impressive fight
sequence. If the rest of the movie
is like this, then this might just
be the greatest epic adventure film
ever created.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Oh, no, see, this was short, to-the
point, and interesting. The rest of
my movie is anything but that. Did
you go to the bathroom yet? You
probably should.
EXT. LUSH, BEAUTIFUL FANTASY VILLAGE
IAN MCKELLEN arrives. ELIJAH WOOD runs up to him.
IAN MCKELLEN
I am old and sage! I bring a sense
of dignity and elegance to all that
I do, and I appear to be a master of
all things intellectual.
ELIJAH WOOD
Actually, the most impressive thing
you'll do is set off a bunch of
fireworks. Then you get your ass
kicked by a better wizard, fail to
get us through a door because you're
too stupid to solve an easy riddle,
and then die.
IAN MCKELLEN
Oh. Well, at least I wasn't in
"North", you putrid piece of shit.
ELIJAH WOOD
Dammit.
IAN MCKELLEN
So anyway, where's Ian Holm? I
heard he's got the plot to this
movie in his pocket somewhere.
INT. IAN HOLM'S COMICALLY SMALL HOME
IAN MCKELLEN enters, hitting his head on objects.
IAN HOLM
There you are, you sage old wizard!
They smoke from IAN MCKELLEN'S PIPE.
IAN HOLM (CONT'D)
Ah, truly have the finest weed in
Middle Earth.
IAN MCKELLEN
Heh. Both of our names are Ian.
IAN HOLM
Holy shit! You're right!
IAN HOLM falls backwards, laughing hysterically.
IAN HOLM (CONT'D)
(suddenly dead serious)
Dude! Every time I laugh, I think
it's my lung trying to escape a
little bit. Maybe that's what
laughing is. Lungs use humor to
trick us into letting them escape.
Whoa.
IAN MCKELLEN
Ha, you're so fucked up!
IAN HOLM
Oh, wanna see something cool? This
will totally make you trip balls.
IAN slips on the RING OF POWER and turns invisible.
IAN HOLM (CONT'D)
(invisible)
Whoa, where'd I go? Where'd I go?
Ha ha!
(removing the ring)
Isn't that awesome?
IAN MCKELLEN
Ian! You stupid bastard! That's the
Ring of Power, forged centuries ago
by the evil Lord Sauron! It is the
key to the greatest power in all the
land! It is sought after by the most
wicked of evil forces and as
Sauron's spirit grows stronger, he
comes closer to obtaining it and
enslaving Middle Earth!
IAN HOLM
Shit. Buzz killer, dude. Not cool.
IAN MCKELLEN
Give me the ring. Then go away and
write your book. Elijah Wood and I
will destroy it.
IAN HOLM
Elijah Wood? Wasn't he that little
puke in "The Good Son"?
IAN MCKELLEN
That was Macaulay Culkin.
IAN HOLM
Wait, am I thinking of the wrong
person?
IAN MCKELLEN
Elijah was the snot-nosed little
twerp in the Flipper movie.
IAN HOLM
Oh, right, that fucker.
IAN MCKELLEN
Yeah. I'm going to travel with him
to the treacherous volcano Mount
Doom. Once there, we will destroy
this evil thing once and for good.
IAN HOLM
The ring?
IAN MCKELLEN
Elijah. But I'll make him wear the
ring before I shove him in.
IAN HOLM leaves. ELIJAH enters.
ELIJAH WOOD
Heya Ian! I just came by to see--
IAN MCKELLEN
Elijah, you must take this ring. It
is the Ring of Power, forged by the
evil Lord Sauron long ago. Travel to
a far away land with your cohorts. I
will meet you there and we will
venture to Mount Doom to destroy the
ring. You must arrive safely - the
fate of Middle Earth depends on your
success.
ELIJAH WOOD
Er..uh..I just wanted to ask you if
you wanted to play some Nintendo.
IAN MCKELLEN
There's no time, Elijah! I must go
find Christopher Lee and seek his
guidance. Good luck, the fate of all
life rests in your small, hairy
hands.
ELIJAH WOOD
I.. uh..
IAN MCKELLEN
(bolting out the door)
Don't fuck up!
ELIJAH stares at the ring. As he does so, his face contorts
to an expression of limitless fear. His eyes widen and his
mouth gapes slightly open with shock and terror. This
expression never leaves his face again - ever.
SEAN ASTIN
Hey Elijah, these two
interchangeable Hobbits and I want
to go with you on your quest.
ELIJAH WOOD
Okay, but only if you all act so
moronically that you not only nearly
sabotage our mission repeatedly, but
also drastically undermine the
otherwise serious tone of the film.
BILLY BOYD
I farted. Tee-hee!
INT. CHRISTOPHER LEE'S HOME OR A CHURCH OR SOME SHIT
CHRISTOPHER LEE and IAN MCKELLEN walk around and chat.
IAN MCKELLEN
It's good seeing you again,
Christopher Lee. I like what you've
done with your hair, how do you keep
it so tangle-free?
CHRISTOPHER LEE
Well, Ian, I condition when
showering, brush it straight while
still in the shower, and then
condition again. The secret is in
the second conditioning.
IAN MCKELLEN
Brilliant! See, this is why you're
obviously the better wizard.
CHRISTOPHER LEE
Actually, it's funny you should say
that, Ian. You see, I'm about to
beat the living snot out of you.
IAN MCKELLEN
Come again?
CHRISTOPHER brings out a small card.
CHRISTOPHER LEE
Ha! I summon Gaea's Skyfolk, a 2/2
with flying.
IAN MCKELLEN
Hmm. Okay, I'm going to cast
Exclude, which counters your spell
and lets lets me also draw a card.
Oh! A Bloodfire Kavu! I summon him.
CHRISTOPHER LEE
You can't do that, you can't summon
until your turn, it's still my turn.
IAN MCKELLEN
No it's not! I just did the counter
spell!
CHRISTOPHER LEE
That was an instant! God, now I
remember why I hate playing with
you! Fuck this!
CHRISTOPHER uses his WIZARD STICK to rip IAN MCKELLEN a
BRAND NEW *******.
EXT. LUSH, BEAUTIFUL LANDSCAPE
ELIJAH and the OTHER HOBBITS walk around NEW ZEALAND. A lot.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Isn't this great? Them walking
around in this world... this
completely fantastical world...of
New Zealand..
AUDIENCE
Yeah, it's really pretty.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
(bemused)
It really is...
Minutes pass.
AUDIENCE
Uh..you, uh, gonna do something any
time soon?
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Huh? Oh, right, action. How about
some monsters?
Suddenly, some EVIL MONSTERS attack. A few monsters get
close to ELIJAH WOOD so he puts on the RING OF POWER to
become INVISIBLE.
ELIJAH WOOD
Ha! Bet you monsters didn't see
that coming!
ELIJAH is then STABBED anyway.
ELIJAH WOOD (CONT'D)
Gark!
VIGGO MORTENSEN jumps in and slaughters ELIJAH'S ATTACKERS.
But not really, because they never die.
VIGGO MORTENSEN
Elijah, are you all right? You must
survive! You are the only one who
can carry the ring! All others would
be tempted to wear it for personal
gain!
ELIJAH WOOD
Didn't I just put it on to save my
own ass?
VIGGO MORTENSEN
Yes, but then you got stabbed
anyway. See, if any of us were
corrupted by the ring, we'd be
intelligent enough to use it for our
own advantage. Hobbits, on the other
hand, are bumbling morons.
SEAN ASTIN
Hey, I resent that.
(pause)
Oooh, poisonous mushrooms, I wonder
if they're tasty!
ELIJAH WOOD
I think I'm dying. Can't you tell
from the perpetual worried
expression on my face?
VIGGO MORTENSEN
The only thing that can save you
now is Liv Tyler. Seriously.
LIV TYLER
My character is so thin that even
my voice seems overly stretched.
Luckily, though, I am pretty, which
is apparently all that is required
of a female in the world of Tolkien.
Please notice how softened my
appearance is, because I am female,
you see.
She looks PRETTY.
ELIJAH WOOD
So, um, about me dying...
LIV TYLER
Oh, right. I will take you backstage
at an Aerosmith concert, where your
wounds shall be healed.
EXT. THE LAND OF THE ELVES
HUGO WEAVING, looking unnecessarily cunning, talks to IAN
MCKELLEN, who escaped.
HUGO WEAVING
We must destroy the ring, Ian.
IAN MCKELLEN
Yeah, I was going to go to Mount
Doom with Elijah Wood and do that.
HUGO WEAVING
Elijah Wood? The whiny dipshit from
"Deep Impact"?
IAN MCKELLEN
Yeah.
HUGO WEAVING
No, that won't do at all. I will not
play a secondary part in a film
starring only him. Let's get some
other actors to go with him.
JOHN RHYS-DAVIES
I'll go, because I am grizzled and
brave, though my skill doesn't
measure up completely to my
confidence.
ORLANDO BLOOM
I will also go, because I am cute
to the females in the audience, as
well as a surprising number of
males.
SEAN BEAN
I shall also join, and I promise I
will absolutely not try to take the
ring. Wait, can I have the ring?
IAN MCKELLEN
No.
SEAN BEAN
Okay, then I promise not to try to
take it.
HUGO WEAVING
Excellent. Together, you will be
known as....
The overbearing, cheesy music swells.
HUGO WEAVING (CONT'D)
The Fellowship of the Ring!
AUDIENCE
Huh. This scene makes me feel like
the movie is actually just starting.
(laughing nervously)
But that's just absurd, right? I've
been sitting here for an hour. I
mean, it can't actually just be
getting going, right? Right?
The FELLOWSHIP walk across the mountains to make their way
to MORDOR. This plan FAILS and they have to pursue another
one.
The FELLOWSHIP walks around snow-covered mountains to make
their way to MORDOR. This plan ALSO FAILS and they have to
pursue another one.
The FELLOWSHIP walks through the mountains. This kind of
works, so they keep going.
IAN MCKELLEN
It's a good thing all of that
footage was included, since nothing
happened that affected the story at
all.
INT. VIVID, FRIGHTENING MINES
THE FELLOWSHIP travels through some MINES. Nothing happens
for a while again, then suddenly, the group is surrounded by
enemies again, which are defeated again. ELIJAH is stabbed
again.
ELIJAH WOOD
Ha! You were no match for my
Bilbo's Armor, which has +4 for
fortitude saves against stupid
looking CGI monsters.
They venture further through the mountain, but suddenly,
IAN MCKELLEN is KILLED by a FIRE DEMON.
VIGGO MORTENSEN
I guess that leaves me as the
interesting one, huh?
ELIJAH WOOD
Actually, for someone who is
essentially the focus of the last
book, you come off as amazingly dull
and transparent. I could quite
easily not notice you at all.
VIGGO MORTENSEN
Hey, at least I wasn't in "The
Faculty", you munchkin asshat.
They walk around NEW ZEALAND some more, and eventually meet
some more elves.
CATE BLANCHETT
Hi everyone. I'm the other female in
the movie. I'm exactly the same as
Liv Tyler, except shots of me have
had the edges softened even further.
My role is equally useless, though,
don't be fooled by the effects.
EXT. LUSH, BEAUTFUL LANDSCAPE
The FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING continues to travel around some
more. Once again, monsters eventually attack. Once again,
they are defeated, but not before kidnapping BILLY BOYD and
DOMINIC MONAGHAN.
ELIJAH WOOD
Hey! I didn't get stabbed this
time. There is nothing more I can
learn from you, brave adventurers. I
must go the rest of the way by
myself. And with Sean Astin.
JOHN RHYS-DAVIES
You don't want our help? Truly, we
have failed the Fellowship.
VIGGO MORTENSEN
There must be something heroic to
do. Hey, those two irritating
Hobbits can still be rescued! Let's
be valiant doing that!
ORLANDO BLOOM
That's what we've been reduced to?
Our role, as of the ending of the
first movie, is to rescue these two
idiots? You saw me shoot like 2
arrows per second from my Bow,
right? I'm pretty badass for an
effeminate blond.
ELIJAH and SEAN leave.
ELIJAH WOOD
I'm glad to be going on this
adventure with you, Sean Astin. You
make me look smart. We are closer to
Mount Doom, but we have a long way
to go.
AUDIENCE
A long way to go? Jesus Christ, how
much longer is this movie, I don't
think I can sit through any more of
watching people walk through New
Zealand aimlessly, getting
occasionally attacked by monsters.
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
Actually, the movie's over.
AUDIENCE
What? Are you serious? That's even
worse! They didn't do anything!
DIRECTOR PETER JACKSON
They walked around a lot.
AUDIENCE
I hate you. I hate you so much.
END
P.S Dont kill me, i love The lord of the Rings trilogy as much as you all do...