Private_Pile
01-30-2005, 09:49 AM
You'll get the rest of the scripts when i find time...
Enjoy
FADE IN:
INT. A STARSHIP
CARRIE FISHER
I'm the princess. I am obviously not
wearing a bra. We are being abducted
by the evil empire, which is evil in
that the main bad guy is dressed all
in black.
DARTH VADER
That'd be me. Breaking into your
starship and killing your guards is
wizard. Yipee.
R2D2 and C3PO travel to another planet.
IMPERIAL GUARDS
There are no life forms, leave it
alone. I'm quite a moron, aren't I?
CARRIE FISHER
Now I will shoot exactly one
stormtrooper.
STORMTROOPER
There she is. Set for stun. She'll
be alright. Who the hell am I saying
this to, don't my colleagues know
she'll be alright?
DARTH VADER
Give me the plans to our DEATH
STAR, which is always written in
capital letters and is actually
quite a stupid name if you stop to
think about it.
CARRIE FISHER
Why do you need them? Didn't you
finish building it? Ha ha!
DARTH VADER
That's not funny. Remember hun,
Daddy doesn't like it when you make
fun of him. Oops, I mean..er..uh..
CARRIE FISHER
Besides, why do you assume we only
have one copy? If they were beamed
aboard here, couldn't we just as
easily beam them elsewhere or make
copies and send them all over the
place?
DARTH VADER
Take her away!
EXT. DESERT
C3PO and R2D2 have a really boring conversation in the
desert that slows the pace of the movie down to a crawl and
makes it almost intolerable.
R2D2
Blip blip.
C3PO
What? I don't know what you're
talking about! I'm not g'ay, just
randomly British! Very very very
British..
R2D2
Blip!
C3PO
Don't call me that!
They are both captured and brought to MARK HAMILL and his
UNCLE.
UNCLE
Mark, come help me pick up some
droids.
MARK HAMILL
(whining really hard)
Awwww shucks, Unc. I was in the
middle of Super Mario Brothers.
Jeepers.
MARK HAMILL
Uh.. we need someone that can decode
moisture something-or-others.
C3PO
Mmm, moisture. I am quite capable of
that.
MARK HAMILL
..right. Uncle, this one'll do. And
let's also get that other one.
UNCLE
Wow, it's a good thing you two
droids both happened to meet up
again. And it's pretty lucky that
other droid broke. And it's really
damn lucky you've been bought by
someone who knows Alec Guiness. And
it's a really really good thing he
happens to be so closely connected
with Darth Vader.
C3PO
And what an amazing coincidence I
was actually built by Darth Vader.
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
Uh.. that's not luck or coincidence.
It's the Force. Anything that seems
stupid is not stupid because of the
Force, understand?
CARRIE FISHER
Help me Alec Guiness, you're my
only hope.
MARK HAMILL
Whoa, she's f*cking hot. Hmm, i
felt kind of digusted saying that.
ALEC GUINESS
Heh, I know something you don't
know. Neener neener.
MARK HAMILL
What?
ALEC GUINESS
Nothing. Let's go to a shady
bar-type place and hitch a ride to
Alderan.
HARRISON FORD
Hey, I can help, as long as I can
do so suavely. I am suave, you see.
Let me first go talk to Jabba the
Hutt.
JABBA
Hey. I look f*cking ridiculous.
HARRISON FORD
Alright, let's go.
They go to Alderan only to discover it has been converted
into a very large number of bright specks.
HARRISON FORD
Oh f*ck. I think we all collectively
have a bad feeling about all this.
INT. DEATH STAR
MARK, CHEWBACCA, HARRISON, ALEC, and the DROIDS are all
sneaking about.
ALEC GUINESS
I must valiantly venture out to
shut off the tractor beam sh'it.
All the others run around and almost get CAUGHT but don't.
Then they find the princess and almost get CAUGHT but don't.
Then they almost get CAUGHT again but don't.
DARTH VADER
Alec! How's it going, old buddy?
Still banging that Amidala chick? No
wait, that was me..
ALEC GUINESS
Oh blow me. God I hate this f*cking
movie.
They have a lightsaber battle until MARK arrives.
ALEC GUINESS
Oh, good. Mark's here, I can die
now.
He DIES. But not really, since his voice comes back later
and he himself appears repeadedly in the sequels.
INT. REBEL BASE
CARRIE FISHER
It's a good thing we got those
plans. We discovered that this thing
was built by a four year old retard
named Earl. If we drop a bomb thingy
into this big hole on the outside,
it'll actually blow up the entire
ship.
MARK HAMILL
Er..
CARRIE FISHER
That's right. The ENTIRE ship.
HARRISON FORD
It's not so outlandish. The X-wings
explode if you shoot them once.
EXT. SPACE
Everyone seems to be failing. It is all up to MARK.
ALEC GUINESS
Don't use the targeting computer,
Mark. Use the Force!
MARK HAMILL
I see now. I am abandoning the
technological advancement in favor
of instincts and emotion. It is
truly an excellent metaphorical
warning against the
overindustrialization of our
society. I see now that success does
not lie in our meaningless
technologies, but in our hearts, our
minds, and our feelings.
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
Yeah, don't worry, I drop that
dumbass message/theme bulls'hit in
favor of crass commercialism by the
next movie.
END
Enjoy
FADE IN:
INT. A STARSHIP
CARRIE FISHER
I'm the princess. I am obviously not
wearing a bra. We are being abducted
by the evil empire, which is evil in
that the main bad guy is dressed all
in black.
DARTH VADER
That'd be me. Breaking into your
starship and killing your guards is
wizard. Yipee.
R2D2 and C3PO travel to another planet.
IMPERIAL GUARDS
There are no life forms, leave it
alone. I'm quite a moron, aren't I?
CARRIE FISHER
Now I will shoot exactly one
stormtrooper.
STORMTROOPER
There she is. Set for stun. She'll
be alright. Who the hell am I saying
this to, don't my colleagues know
she'll be alright?
DARTH VADER
Give me the plans to our DEATH
STAR, which is always written in
capital letters and is actually
quite a stupid name if you stop to
think about it.
CARRIE FISHER
Why do you need them? Didn't you
finish building it? Ha ha!
DARTH VADER
That's not funny. Remember hun,
Daddy doesn't like it when you make
fun of him. Oops, I mean..er..uh..
CARRIE FISHER
Besides, why do you assume we only
have one copy? If they were beamed
aboard here, couldn't we just as
easily beam them elsewhere or make
copies and send them all over the
place?
DARTH VADER
Take her away!
EXT. DESERT
C3PO and R2D2 have a really boring conversation in the
desert that slows the pace of the movie down to a crawl and
makes it almost intolerable.
R2D2
Blip blip.
C3PO
What? I don't know what you're
talking about! I'm not g'ay, just
randomly British! Very very very
British..
R2D2
Blip!
C3PO
Don't call me that!
They are both captured and brought to MARK HAMILL and his
UNCLE.
UNCLE
Mark, come help me pick up some
droids.
MARK HAMILL
(whining really hard)
Awwww shucks, Unc. I was in the
middle of Super Mario Brothers.
Jeepers.
MARK HAMILL
Uh.. we need someone that can decode
moisture something-or-others.
C3PO
Mmm, moisture. I am quite capable of
that.
MARK HAMILL
..right. Uncle, this one'll do. And
let's also get that other one.
UNCLE
Wow, it's a good thing you two
droids both happened to meet up
again. And it's pretty lucky that
other droid broke. And it's really
damn lucky you've been bought by
someone who knows Alec Guiness. And
it's a really really good thing he
happens to be so closely connected
with Darth Vader.
C3PO
And what an amazing coincidence I
was actually built by Darth Vader.
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
Uh.. that's not luck or coincidence.
It's the Force. Anything that seems
stupid is not stupid because of the
Force, understand?
CARRIE FISHER
Help me Alec Guiness, you're my
only hope.
MARK HAMILL
Whoa, she's f*cking hot. Hmm, i
felt kind of digusted saying that.
ALEC GUINESS
Heh, I know something you don't
know. Neener neener.
MARK HAMILL
What?
ALEC GUINESS
Nothing. Let's go to a shady
bar-type place and hitch a ride to
Alderan.
HARRISON FORD
Hey, I can help, as long as I can
do so suavely. I am suave, you see.
Let me first go talk to Jabba the
Hutt.
JABBA
Hey. I look f*cking ridiculous.
HARRISON FORD
Alright, let's go.
They go to Alderan only to discover it has been converted
into a very large number of bright specks.
HARRISON FORD
Oh f*ck. I think we all collectively
have a bad feeling about all this.
INT. DEATH STAR
MARK, CHEWBACCA, HARRISON, ALEC, and the DROIDS are all
sneaking about.
ALEC GUINESS
I must valiantly venture out to
shut off the tractor beam sh'it.
All the others run around and almost get CAUGHT but don't.
Then they find the princess and almost get CAUGHT but don't.
Then they almost get CAUGHT again but don't.
DARTH VADER
Alec! How's it going, old buddy?
Still banging that Amidala chick? No
wait, that was me..
ALEC GUINESS
Oh blow me. God I hate this f*cking
movie.
They have a lightsaber battle until MARK arrives.
ALEC GUINESS
Oh, good. Mark's here, I can die
now.
He DIES. But not really, since his voice comes back later
and he himself appears repeadedly in the sequels.
INT. REBEL BASE
CARRIE FISHER
It's a good thing we got those
plans. We discovered that this thing
was built by a four year old retard
named Earl. If we drop a bomb thingy
into this big hole on the outside,
it'll actually blow up the entire
ship.
MARK HAMILL
Er..
CARRIE FISHER
That's right. The ENTIRE ship.
HARRISON FORD
It's not so outlandish. The X-wings
explode if you shoot them once.
EXT. SPACE
Everyone seems to be failing. It is all up to MARK.
ALEC GUINESS
Don't use the targeting computer,
Mark. Use the Force!
MARK HAMILL
I see now. I am abandoning the
technological advancement in favor
of instincts and emotion. It is
truly an excellent metaphorical
warning against the
overindustrialization of our
society. I see now that success does
not lie in our meaningless
technologies, but in our hearts, our
minds, and our feelings.
DIRECTOR GEORGE LUCAS
Yeah, don't worry, I drop that
dumbass message/theme bulls'hit in
favor of crass commercialism by the
next movie.
END