AtomicBob's News thread [Archive]

atomicbob

07-30-2005, 10:51 PM

KIM JONG-IL DEMANDS IPOD

Latest Twist in Nuke Talks Raises Eyebrows, Concerns

Mercurial North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il threw a monkey wrench into the six-party talks about North Korea's nuclear program today by demanding that the other five nations give him an Apple iPod ShuffleT.

In a morning session of the Beijing talks, the reclusive Kim told representatives of the United States, Russia, Japan, China and South Korea that if he did not receive an iPod by the end of the day he would test-launch a missile into the Sea of Japan.

Kim's latest demand took most of the diplomats by surprise, since many had expected North Korea to demand diplomatic recognition and a security arrangement with the United States in exchange for denuclearization, rather than a portable music device that retails for under $150.

At Apple headquarters in Cupertino, California, Apple CEO Steven Jobs hailed the development: "This just goes to show that everybody wants an iPod, even one of the most insane, brutal dictators in the world."

While some diplomats in Beijing believe that buying off the mercurial Kim with an iPod ShuffleT and possibly a gift certificate to the online Apple Music Store represented a cost-efficient way to defuse the North Korean nuclear crisis, others advised caution.

"If we give in to Kim Jong-il on the iPod ShuffleT, what's next?" said U.S. negotiator Assistant Secretary of State Christopher Hill. "He'll want an Xbox, a PlayStation Portable and one of those cool camera phones."

Elsewhere, in an effort to keep information about Supreme Court nominee John Roberts confidential, the White House said today that it had wrapped deputy chief of staff Karl Rove in duct tape.

dbodenheim

07-31-2005, 12:12 AM

Bob, do yuo realize your stuff can br printed inthe NYTimes for about 100 gand a year, or are you plagerizing this stuff. As a fellow comedey writer, please forward this to the NY times and take me on as your partner so we dont have to worry about $$ again, and I am just as funny as you btw, or greater. I dont care I jsut want to write comedy.

atomicbob

08-01-2005, 05:12 PM

Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue.....

My writing will never get me rich.....

atomicbob

08-01-2005, 05:13 PM

MEL GIBSON CHASES JANE FONDA IN NUCLEAR-POWERED PRO-WAR BUS

Hollywood Bus Chase Tops 150 MPH

Actress Jane Fonda's plan to protest the war in Iraq by leading an antiwar bus tour across the country hit an unexpected bump in the road today when actor Mel Gibson decided to chase Ms. Fonda's bus in a pro-war bus of his own.

"If Jane Fonda thinks her antiwar bus is the only bus on the road, she is sorely mistaken," Mr. Gibson told reporters from behind the wheel of his mammoth pro-war vehicle. "My bus is on the road and, more importantly, we are on her tail."

Although Ms. Fonda's antiwar bus left on her cross-country odyssey several days ago, Mr. Gibson said he was able to catch up to her quickly because her bus is powered by ecology-friendly vegetable oil while his is powered by a mighty onboard nuclear reactor.

"When it comes to taking those hills, I'll take plutonium over Wesson Oil any day of the week," Mr. Gibson said, revving his nuclear-powered bus's engine for the benefit of reporters.

With Mr. Gibson's bus in hot pursuit of Ms. Fonda's bus, the Hollywood bus chase soon reached speeds of over 150 mph, causing some observers to predict that the actress might call off her bus tour out of safety concerns.

But for her part, Ms. Fonda remained undaunted: "I was afraid that we might have to drive this bus really fast, which is why I asked Sandra Bullock to come along."

Elsewhere, a bust of the Roman emperor Constantine believed to be over 1700 years old will be the opening act on the Rolling Stones' North American tour.

atomicbob

08-01-2005, 05:20 PM

However, I do do some creative editing when the beer is flowing just right.

:yaya:

You know, you've mentioned comedy writing a few times, Jeff. Has anyone here considered publishing our own gaming magazine? I bet it could be done with just the talent we have on board. We got comedy, techies, code guys, game pros, developers, artists....what more could you need to compile a kick ass magazine? Desktop publishing software? A website to go with it?

Not much. That's what.

Of course, it might cut into our gameplay time. LOL

:yaya:

atomicbob

08-02-2005, 05:50 PM

USING RECESS, BUSH NAMES GAMER BUD TO SUPREME COURT

'Caught You Napping,' President Tells Congress

With congress away for its customary August recess, President George W. Bush successfully avoided Senate confirmation hearings and named a personal friend and long time gaming associate, to the United States Supreme Court.

In a Rose Garden ceremony, Mr. Bush told reporters that the new Justice, known only as "wihadmin", would replace Chief Justice William Rehnquist, making the president's pal the most powerful judge in the nation.

"In the years since wihadmin came into our lives, he has been widely admired for his intellect, his sound judgment and his personal decency," the president told reporters. "Basically, he is John Roberts with php code experience."

The president acknowledged that wihadmin's scant legal experience would most likely have meant a contentious confirmation battle in the Senate, but he had these words for the vacationing legislators: "Caught you napping, beeotches!"

Sen. Minority Leader Harry Reid, vacationing in his home state of Nevada, offered a muted response to the gamer's nomination, telling reporters, "He couldn't be that much worse than Rehnquist."

Given the unorthodox nature of the president's Supreme Court pick, the White House press corps bombarded Mr. Bush with questions, one of which was, "Is he related to Idi Amin"? The president waved them off, ordering them to "take the rest of August off."

But Mr. Bush did say that he would take advantage of the congressional recess to push forward with a number of initiatives on his wish-list, including abolishing the Environmental Protection Agency, imprisoning Senator Edward Kennedy (D-Mass) at Guantanamo, and naming the Fox News Channel the fifty-first state.

Elsewhere, Nike announced that it would produce a series of advertisements featuring NBA star Kobe Bryant, but said it was unlikely that the phrase "Just do it" would be part of the campaign.

atomicbob

08-03-2005, 12:33 PM

ATKINS INTRODUCES LOW-CASH DIET

Free Ketchup, Mustard Packets Dominate New Weight-loss Program

Two days after filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, Atkins Nutritionals, Inc. said today that although its low-carb diet had lost its luster, the company was introducing what it called "a low-cash diet guaranteed to melt those pounds away."

At Atkins headquarters, company spokesman Dalton Pankow said that the company's financial woes had inspired the new low-cash diet, which he said was based on a very simple principle: "Essentially, once you're on the diet, you don't eat anything that costs money."

As a result, Mr. Pankow explained, "The diet is low on carbs, but it is also low on protein and pretty much everything else."

Showing a newly reconfigured Atkins food pyramid, Mr. Pankow said that dieters on the new low-cash weight-loss program would eat mainly free ketchup and mustard packets foraged from fast-food restaurants like McDonald's and Burger King.

"And at the end of the first week, to celebrate you have a packet of relish for dessert," Mr. Pankow added.

While dieticians studying Atkins' newest fad diet said that the low-cash regimen might help dieters lose weight in the short run, Wall Street questioned how the program could help return Atkins to financial health, since the new diet does not involve any money changing hands.

"That's the part we're still trying to figure out," Mr. Pankow told reporters. "In the meantime, would any of you care for a delicious ice cube?"

Elsewhere, in his first day on the job, United Nations Ambassador John Bolton toured the U.N. building in New York to determine which ten stories would be easiest to remove.

FiLTHY_SNiPER

08-03-2005, 12:42 PM

Ahhhhhhhhhhh comedy overload!!!!

hahah

Good stuff bob :thumbsup:

atomicbob

08-05-2005, 06:18 PM

DVD PLAYER ONBOARD SHUTTLE FAILS

Astronauts Notice Flaw During 'Oceans Eleven'

The mission of the space shuttle Discovery suffered another setback last night when the shuttle's onboard DVD player failed to function during an attempt by the astronauts to watch the movie "Oceans 11."

Astronauts first suspected that there were problems with the shuttle's DVD player ten minutes into their viewing of the film, when they noticed that the picture on screen began to skip and then freeze.

After Commander Eileen Collins contacted mission control to report the problem with the DVD player, NASA personnel advised her to remove the disc, blow on it, and try it again.

But after reinserting the disc, the problems with the DVD player persisted, leading some at NASA to worry that the astronauts' entertainment options would be severely limited for the rest of the flight.

According to one NASA technician who spoke on condition of anonymity, the space agency knew that there were problems with the shuttle's DVD player prior to the launch but opted to continue with the mission regardless.

"A bunch of us were saying that it was only a matter of time before that DVD player totally broke," the technician said. "We were like, you've got to equip the ship with a backup DVD player, but no one listened."

The technician said that the astronauts could survive the rest of the mission without a working DVD player, but added, "If this were a mission to Mars, this would be a nightmare."

Elsewhere, President Bush said today that the theory of "intelligent design" explains the creation of life on Earth but not his Social Security plan.

atomicbob

08-05-2005, 06:19 PM

NORTH KOREA MOVES ONE MILLION CLONED CATS TO BORDER WITH SOUTH

Angry Kim Jong-Il Retaliates for Seoul's Dog Cloning

One day after South Korean scientists announced that they had successfully cloned a dog, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il denounced the cloning procedure as "an act of provocation" and immediately moved one million cloned cats to the border with the South.

The cloning of an Afghan pup named "Snuppy" by South Korean scientists drew praise from biologists around the world, but not from the mercurial Kim, who believed that Seoul planned to unleash an army of cloned dogs to invade his country.

Within minutes of the scientists' announcement, Kim dispatched thousands of troop carriers carrying cloned cats to the border with the South, raising tensions throughout the Korean peninsula.

In Seoul, South Korean president Roh Moo-hyun responded to Kim's cat deployment, warning that South Korea could move as many as one million cloned Labradors, beagles and poodles to the border within weeks.

The prospect of a tense standoff between a million cloned cats and dogs in a region long considered a powder keg by the international community represented the first major diplomatic challenge for newly installed United Nations Ambassador John Bolton.

From the floor of the U.N.'s General Assembly today, Mr. Bolton offered one possible solution to the crisis in the Korean peninsula: "If it were up to me, I'd saw off both Koreas from the rest of Asia and let them float out to sea."

Elsewhere, President Bush overruled advisors who wanted to change the name of the "war on terror" to the "global struggle against violent extremism," arguing that the latter phrase contained words over two syllables.

atomicbob

08-05-2005, 06:26 PM

DEBRIS FALLS OFF CHENEY

Scientists Study Videotape of Vice President Disintegrating

Government scientists were busily scrutinizing videotape of Vice President Dick Cheney today after debris appeared to fall off Mr. Cheney during a speech to a business group in Lansing, Michigan.

While Mr. Cheney's speech to the group appeared to go smoothly, only later did scientists notice that debris from the vice president appeared to fall from him as he wrapped up his address.

"We are examining the tape to determine the nature of the debris that fell from the vice president's surface," said scientist Kirk Belsher. "Hopefully these are non-essential parts of Dick Cheney that will have no significant impact on the rest of his mission."

Even as scientists studied the tape of Mr. Cheney's mysterious debris, news that parts of the vice president had disintegrated during a routine speech raised fresh concerns about the fitness of the nation's second most powerful man.

"Dick Cheney is usually stored in a secure, undisclosed location which is kept at a constant temperature of forty degrees Fahrenheit," said Dr. Ivan Loker of the University of Minnesota, who studies the nation's aging fleet of vice-presidents and cabinet members. "Every time they wheel him out into the atmosphere for a new mission, we all hold our breath."

For his part, scientist Belsher remained optimistic that the falling debris would turn out to be a false alarm: "The good news is, when debris falls off Dick Cheney, there's still plenty of Dick Cheney left."

Elsewhere, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said today that if dogs were used to intimidate prisoners at Abu Ghraib then the dogs would be court-martialed at once.

atomicbob

08-08-2005, 07:48 AM

RAPPER 50 CENT 'OFFENDED' BY NOVAK'S LANGUAGE

Demands Warning Label for Foul-mouthed Pundit

Conservative pundit Bob Novak, suspended indefinitely by CNN for using a profanity on the air, received some harsh criticism from another quarter today as the rapper 50 Cent said he was "offended" by Mr. Novak's language.

At a press conference in Washington today, the platinum-selling rap artist expressed outrage at Mr. Novak's televised outburst, saying that it represented "a troubling lowering of the standards of discourse" and a "coarsening of the culture in general."

"I was sitting down to watch CNN with my children, as I always do," Mr. Cent told reporters, "and when I heard Bob Novak's remark, well, all I can say is that I was deeply, deeply offended."

Mr. Cent was not the only member of the rap community to be outraged by Mr. Novak's use of profanity, as thousands of rappers took to the streets of the nation's capital today to express their anger at the foul-mouthed pundit.

The protest, led by rappers Snoop Dogg, Jay-Z and Eminem, was orchestrated to put pressure on Congress to place warning labels on pundits such as Mr. Novak to alert parents that he may blurt out an explicit remark at any moment.

As for Mr. Cent, he said that even if CNN ultimately reinstates Mr. Novak, he has no intention of watching the potty-mouthed talking head again: "From now on, the only person I feel totally safe watching is Lou Dobbs."

Elsewhere, one day after a recess was declared in the North Korean nuclear talks, President Bush took advantage of the recess to name John Bolton President of North Korea.

atomicbob

08-10-2005, 06:22 AM

'DUKES OF HAZZARD' USED IN GITMO INTERROGATIONS

Human Rights Groups Protest Use of Jessica Simpson Film

Human rights groups around the world cried foul today amid reports that the movie version of "The Dukes of Hazzard" is being used by interrogators at the U.S. detention center in Guantanamo, Cuba.

According to reports, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld arranged for a private screening of the film at the Pentagon in mid-July and determined that it could be a powerful tool for extracting information from enemy combatants.

Over the weekend, when "Dukes" appeared on over three thousand screens nationwide, it also appeared in at least twelve interrogation rooms at Guantanamo, playing on a nonstop loop.

"We have never seen anything like it," said one Guantanamo interrogator, speaking on condition of anonymity. "About ten minutes into the film, the prisoners are already willing to talk."

But even as interrogators praised "Dukes" as a welcome addition to their tactical arsenal, human rights groups such as Amnesty International blasted the U.S. for using the film, arguing that the practice could be in violation of the Geneva Conventions against torture.

"We see the use of 'The Dukes of Hazzard' as part of a larger pattern of abuse," said Amnesty International spokesperson Jean-Claude Guinod, noting that the U.S. had used the film "Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed" at Gunatanamo in 2004.

At the Pentagon, Secretary Rumsfeld categorically defended the use of the "Dukes" film, telling reporters, "Don't think for a moment that if the enemy had 'The Dukes of Hazzard' they wouldn't use it on us."

Elsewhere, NASA pronounced the just-completed space shuttle mission a success, saying that the Discovery astronauts had made important scientific discoveries about foam debris, missing tiles and weather delays.

atomicbob

08-10-2005, 08:02 PM

ANNOYING MINISUB STUCK AGAIN

'My Bad,' Says Russian Captain

One day after a Russian minisub was rescued from the floor of the Pacific Ocean, the captain of the vessel inexplicably attempted the identical voyage for a second time, stranding the minisub on the ocean floor yet again.

In a brief radio communication with officers of the Russian Navy, embarrassed minisub captain Lt. Vyacheslav Milashevsky had only these words to say: "My bad."

Given the torturous ordeal that the crew of the minisub had endured in the hours leading up to their heroic rescue, many observers were astonished that Lt. Milashevsky would decide to return to the same unforgiving waters off the coast of Kamchatka.

But according to Lt. Milashevsky, the return mission was an attempt to prove that he could navigate the icy depths without getting stuck again: "I really thought that the second time would be the charm."

But that was clearly not the case, as a robotic camera deployed by the Russian Navy revealed that the minisub's propeller had become ensnared in a discarded cassette tape, trapping the vessel once more at the bottom of the ocean.

Russian Defense Minister Sergei Ivanov, who supervised the first rescue operation, said he was "furious" that the minisub had become stuck at the bottom of the ocean for the second time in one week.

"I have half a mind not to bother rescuing those idiots this time," Mr. Ivanov told reporters. "If I never hear the words 'stranded minisub' again it'll be too soon."

Elsewhere, after signing a bill calling for an increase in nuclear energy production, President Bush clarified his position somewhat, saying, "I didn't mean in Iran."

ICEPICK

08-10-2005, 08:39 PM

:hehehe: :hehehe: Reminds of Not Necessarily the News :hehehe: :hehehe: :hehehe:

atomicbob

08-11-2005, 12:11 PM

CUTTING COSTS, NASA SAYS IT WILL WAIT FOR MARTIANS TO COME TO US

Mars Must Share Financial Burden of Space Exploration, NASA Chief Says

In what was widely seen as a belt-tightening measure, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration said today that it was scrapping all plans for a mission to Mars and would instead wait for Mars to plan a mission to Earth.

Speaking to reporters at Cape Canaveral, Florida today, NASA chief Michael Griffin said that in the current financial climate, "Rather than sending a rocket to Mars, it makes more sense just to sit and wait for the Martians to come to us."

Mr. Griffin said that the space agency came to the conclusion that it would prefer to wait for such a Martian visit after the just-concluded mission of the space shuttle Discovery, which he called "a royal pain from beginning to end."

"I say, if the Martians want to deal with foam debris, missing tiles and all of those other headaches, they are more than welcome to them," the administrator said.

He also offered harsh criticism for the Martians themselves, saying that they had "failed to pay their fair share of the cost of space exploration."

But in an official statement later in the day, the Emperor of Mars rebuffed Mr. Griffin's demands, saying Mars had "no intention of doing NASA's work for them."

In a parting shot, the Emperor concluded, "And don't expect Mars to fix Social Security, either, you tool."

Elsewhere, after paying Microsoft a seven million dollar settlement for sending millions of spam emails, spam entrepreneur Scott Richter said he was only trying to be his own boss by working from home.

atomicbob

08-16-2005, 12:19 PM

ARMY OFFERS TO PAY RECRUITS IN GASOLINE

As Gas Prices Soar, So Will Enlistment, Pentagon Hopes

With potential Army enlistees turning up their noses at bonuses and other perks, the Pentagon announced today that it was prepared to "sweeten the pot" by offering all new recruits a free tank of gas.

At the Pentagon, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said that the decision to pay recruits in gasoline, while unorthodox, was a "slam-dunk solution" to the Army's nagging shortfalls in enlistment.

"As gas prices approach four dollars a gallon, we believe that a free tank of gas in exchange for a tour of duty in Iraq is an offer these recruits can't refuse," Secretary Rumsfeld said. "And when gas prices hit five dollars a gallon - well, goodness gracious, we'll be turning people away."

Mr. Rumsfeld went on to say that skyrocketing gas prices, rather than being the bane of the American motorist's existence, are actually "America's secret weapon in the global struggle against violent extremism."

Across the nation, Army recruitment offices were being outfitted with full-serve and self-serve gas pumps to accommodate the anticipated crush of gas-thirsty enlistees.

But at one such office in Gary, Indiana, there were no takers for the Pentagon's free gas offer, which also includes a free car wash and windshield-wiper fluid.

In the words of one recruitment officer there, "If things don't pick up soon, we're going to have to throw in free tires."

Elsewhere, Cristeta Comerford, the first female executive chef in the history of the White House, said that the greatest challenge of her new job will be to "fill Dick Cheney's ravenous piehole."

z3speed4me

08-16-2005, 02:14 PM

seriously bob send some of this stuff in, its friggin hilarious i KNOW u can make money off some of these!!

atomicbob

08-19-2005, 12:14 PM

GAS PRICES KEEP RUNAWAY BRIDE FROM RUNNING AWAY AGAIN

Wilbanks' Latest Escape Plan Thwarted at the Pump

So-called "runaway bride" Jennifer Wilbanks attempted to run away again this week but changed her mind at the last minute when she saw just how high gas prices had risen, a friend of Ms. Wilbanks confirmed today.

The friend, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said that Ms. Wilbanks had been feeling "antsy" of late and was preparing her escape route from Georgia when she pulled into a local gas station and was "shocked" by the prices at the pump.

"When Jennifer ran away the first time back in April, gas prices were about fifty cents cheaper per gallon," the friend said. "When she saw that prices were up near three dollars, she realized that this time around she simply could not afford to run away."

According to the friend, Ms. Wilbanks was "outraged" that the rise in gas prices had prevented her from running away and was preparing to make it a political issue.

"Jennifer believes that if you want to run away from your wedding, high gas prices shouldn't prevent you from doing it," the friend said. "There's something un-American about that."

Ms. WIlbanks considered traveling to Crawford, Texas to demand a meeting with President Bush, but ultimately balked because of the high gas prices.

According to a White House aide, "Jennifer Wilbanks not showing up at Crawford is pretty much the only good news the president has gotten this week."

Elsewhere, the soft drink industry said it would cut back on selling sugary drinks at elementary and middle schools and would instead focus on making people obese at shopping malls.

atomicbob

08-19-2005, 12:23 PM

SCIENTISTS CLONE MADONNA

World Tour to Proceed as Planned

One day after Madonna suffered a broken collarbone while riding a horse on her forty-seventh birthday, scientists successfully cloned the music superstar to enable her upcoming world tour to proceed as planned.

While the platinum-selling recording artist was undergoing surgery for her injuries, samples of her DNA were dispatched to South Korea, where scientists successfully cloned a dog earlier this month.

At a press conference in Seoul, scientist Woo-Suk Hwang pronounced the cloning of the erstwhile "Material Girl" a total success.

"Our cloned Madonna has all of the same genetic characteristics of the original Madonna, and we expect to see her vogueing, getting into the groove, and letting her body move to the music in no time at all," the Korean scientist said.

The successful cloning of Madonna was music to the ears of her tour promoters, who had briefly flirted with the idea of renaming her upcoming world tour "The Limited Neck Movement Tour '05."

But the groundbreaking biological procedure drew some criticism in the scientific community, as some bioethicists said that the cloning of Madonna raised a host of thorny ethical issues.

"My greatest fear is, what happens if this technology falls into the wrong hands?" said Dr. Lindsay Prandell of the University of Minnesota's Institute of Advanced Bioethics. "Most of us are fine with the cloning of Madonna, but what if a madman tried to clone Ryan Seacrest?"

Elsewhere, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said that the new Iraqi constitution could hurt the insurgency if tons of copies of the constitution are dropped directly on the insurgents' heads.

atomicbob

08-19-2005, 12:25 PM

IRAQ SEEKS CONSTITUTION ON EBAY

Bold Shift in Strategy for National Assembly

In what many in the international community are calling a bold shift in strategy, Iraq's National Assembly said today that it would give up its wrangling over a new constitution and would instead attempt to buy one on eBay.

The announcement of the National Assembly's decision to turn to eBay for its new constitution came at a press conference held by Iraq's Planning Minister, Barham Saleh.

"After much discussion, we have decided to seek a new national charter on eBay," Mr. Saleh said, adding, "I got a wonderful set of mixing bowls there just last week."

The decision to purchase a new constitution on the popular auction site, while seen as a drastic move by many in Baghdad, may be the only way to break the intractable logjam that has plagued the National Assembly for months.

But in the first day of surfing for constitutions on the eBay site, there were signs that old rivalries were rearing their ugly heads, as Sunnis, Shiites and Kurds fought for control of the computer's mouse.

After a coalition of Shiites and Kurds agreed to make a bid on a used constitution put up for sale by the tiny nation of Andorra, the Sunnis walked out, plunging the eBay process into chaos.

For his part, Mr. Saleh remained upbeat that Iraq would ultimately find its new constitution on eBay, telling reporters, "If for some reason this doesn't work, we'll try Amazon."

Elsewhere, in a positive development for the space program, NASA reported today that the new Mars orbiter has sent back dramatic pictures of the singer Courtney Love.

atomicbob

08-22-2005, 12:12 PM

ZELL MILLER CHALLENGES CINDY SHEEHAN TO DUEL

Former Georgia Senator Prepared to Defend President's Honor

President Bush picked up an impassioned supporter in his conflict with antiwar protesters outside his Crawford, Texas ranch today, as former Georgia senator Zell Miller challenged protester Cindy Sheehan to a duel.

Dressed in what he called "an eighteenth century dueling costume" and brandishing a gleaming antique sword, Senator Miller said that Ms. Sheehan had "besmirched the president's honor" and that he intended to defend it.

"When I saw Cindy Sheehan protesting outside President Bush's ranch, I said, 'Sir, I wish we lived in the days when you could challenge a person to a duel!'" Senator Miller said, seemingly referring to Ms. Sheehan as "Sir."

The former senator said he would travel to Crawford in the next forty-eight hours to "throw a glove at Cindy Sheehan," shortly after which he expected a duel with the antiwar protester to commence.

At the White House, spokesman Scott McClellan said that Senator Miller's decision to challenge Ms. Sheehan to a duel was his and his alone, but added that deputy chief of staff Karl Rove would be willing to serve as the former senator's second.

Meanwhile, President Bush used his weekly radio address to send the message that he intends to "stay the course" in his war against Cindy Sheehan.

Mr. Bush's remarks came amid new polls showing that public support for the war against Cindy Sheehan is on the wane.

"Cindy Sheehan is a formidable enemy, but through stubbornness and inflexibility I will prevail," he said.

Elsewhere, the rapper Eminem checked himself into drug rehab after receiving assurances he would not have to share a room with Courtney Love.

atomicbob

08-24-2005, 08:54 PM

PAT ROBERTSON URGES U.S. TO COVET CHAVEZ' WIFE

Televangelist Breaks Second Commandment in Two Days

One day after Pat Robertson called for the U.S. to assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, the televangelist raised the ante again today, urging the U.S. to covet President Chavez' wife.

In so doing, Mr. Robertson appeared to contradict two of The Ten Commandments in as many days, having flouted "Thou shat not kill" on Monday.

Speaking on the television program he hosts, "The 700 Club," Mr. Robertson lashed out at the Venezuelan strongman once more, telling his audience, "It's high time that the United States coveted Hugo Chavez' wife."

Warming to his topic, the opinionated preacher added, "And while we're at it, we should covet his house, his manservant, his maidservant, his ox and his ass, for that matter."

Mr. Robertson indicated that all of the coveting he referred to would not require a war, arguing that it could be all done through the use of covert operatives within Venezuela.

"We could send some special ops guys down there, and bang-bang, covet all of that stuff," Mr. Robertson told his audience.

Speaking to reporters after the program, Mr. Robertson was unrepentant about having broken two of the Ten Commandments in two days, telling them, "I fully intend to obey the other eight, and eight out of ten ain't bad."

But the televangelist seemed to waver from that position slightly, telling reporters that the U.S. should "bear false witness against Hugo Chavez and dishonor Hugo Chavez's mother and father."

Elsewhere, one day after the Princeton Review named the University of Wisconsin the nation's top party school, UW said that it was "too hammered" to comment.

atomicbob

08-25-2005, 05:38 PM

BUSH PROPOSES MOVING NATION'S CAPITAL TO IDAHO

Move Could Mean Trillions To The Gem State, Business Leaders Say

Idaho, the state which currently gives President George W. Bush his highest approval rating in the nation, could soon be getting something in return as the president today proposed moving the nation's capital to Idaho for the remainder of his second term.

Mr. Bush used a speech in Boise to float the idea of moving the nation's center of government from Washington, D.C. to The Gem State.

"I'll tell you this," Mr. Bush told the cheering crowd. "I wouldn't mind going back to Washington so much if Washington were in Idaho."

While some in the audience at first thought Mr. Bush was suffering from a bout of geographic confusion, he soon made it clear that he was actually proposing moving the Federal government to Idaho, a decision that could mean trillions of dollars to the state, business leaders say.

But Dr. Charles Nesvig, professor of political science at the University of Minnesota, believes that moving the nation's capital from Washington to Idaho could hold hidden perils for Mr. Bush.

"Right now, Idaho loves Bush, but Bush is almost never there," Dr. Nesvig said. "There's a possibility that once Bush is in Idaho a whole lot, Idaho won't like him nearly so much."

But Dr. Nesvig says there could be a silver lining to such a scenario: "Once President Bush realizes that Idaho is where he has to go to work every day, he probably won't be there that much, especially in the summer."

Elsewhere, a former Power Ranger accused of murder pleaded innocent today, claiming he was framed by a former Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

atomicbob

08-26-2005, 12:19 AM

Ok, it has come to my attention that these news posts may have been misconstrued as to been written by me. That is not the case.

I was only sharing them such as I do with any other joke deserving of being posted. When the opportunity and my time allows, I edit the post to include the likes of Jeff from Human Resources, or Moldy Korn the shirtless love god.

Just so no more people accuse me of plagerism, or wonder why these posts are not makin me 100K a year, let me just be clear....enjoy these post at your own risk. A local WIH member is not the official author, only the messenger spreading the fun.

P.S. If I was making 100K a year writing funny little news articles, I would donate more than $50 a month.

In case you were wondering.

Now that your Disneyland hopes for my future have been dashed......be assured that I will keep posting anything that I find humor in.

:D

But at least we are clear. Jeff is the obvious choice for funniest author on WiH.

A bit whiny and a mediocre tank driver, but we'll let that slide.

;)

atomicbob

08-26-2005, 06:32 PM

CASTRO BACKS VIOLENT OVERTHROW OF 700 CLUB

Cuban Spies Set to Infiltrate Pat Robertson's Production Staff, Audience

Cuban president Fidel Castro announced in Havana today that his government is backing a violent overthrow of "The 700 Club," the long-running television program hosted by controversial preacher Pat Robertson.

Mr. Castro's decision to attempt to topple Mr. Robertson was widely seen as a demonstration of solidarity with Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez, whom the televangelist proposed assassinating during Monday's broadcast of the show.

At a press conference in Havana, the Cuban president said that he was authorizing a flotilla of speedboats carrying Cuban spies to head for the United States to orchestrate the overthrow of "The 700 Club."

While Mr. Castro was sketchy about the details of the plot, calling them "super-secret," an insider familiar with the plan said that it involves Cuban spies infiltrating Mr. Robertson's production staff and audience and then staging an armed revolt during a broadcast of the program.

"We'll wait until Pat Robertson is distracted, probably when he's getting all worked up about gay marriage or something, and then we'll strike," the insider said.

According to the insider, the Cuban president waited a few days before deciding to overthrow "The 700 Club" because he was not sure at first exactly what "The 700 Club" was.

"Fidel thought it was a club for people who weighed 700 pounds or more," the insider said. "Then he was like, 'No, that can't be right.'"

Elsewhere, domestic diva Martha Stewart announced that instead of saying "You're fired" on her new spin-off of the NBC series "The Apprentice," she will hold up a kitchen timer and go "ding."

atomicbob

08-30-2005, 10:25 PM

ARMY TO RECRUIT AT MTV MUSIC AWARDS

Rappers Could Skip Firearms Training, Pentagon Believes

One day after rap mogul Suge Knight was shot in the leg at a party celebrating the MTV Music Awards, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced that the Army would start recruiting soldiers for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan at all future installments of the popular awards show.

"We believe that the highest concentration of potential enlistees with extensive firearms experience may in fact be at the MTV Music Awards," Mr. Rumsfeld told reporters at the Pentagon.

The Defense Secretary said he was "impressed" when he heard that someone at the awards party had successfully shot Mr. Knight: "If one of those fellows had good enough aim to hit Suge Knight in the leg, imagine what they could do to some of those pesky Iraqi insurgents."

He said that by recruiting soldiers at the MTV Music Awards, the Army would be gaining a pool of enlistees who would require no firearms training whatsoever, saving the Pentagon and U.S. taxpayers billions of dollars a year.

"Teaching these guys how to use a gun would be a serious waste of time," Mr. Rumsfeld said. "It would be like teaching Courtney Love how to snort powder up her nose."

While the Defense Secretary would not specify how the Army would induce rappers to enlist, he told reporters, "We are fully prepared to offer them a Cadillac Escalade, and we may throw in a ho or two as well."

Elsewhere, in medical news, redheads who spend time in the sun and eat French fries and potato chips should already be dead by now.

atomicbob

08-30-2005, 10:27 PM

IRAQIS REJECT DEMOCRACY, FEARING OBESITY MAY BE NEXT

Sunnis, Shiites and Kurds Report Worrisome Weight Gains Since U.S. Invasion

Hopes for a new Iraqi constitution suffered a major setback today as Iraqis rejected American-style democracy, fearing that it could usher in American-style obesity in its wake.

The decision to scuttle democracy as a way of avoiding obesity was announced by the Shiite leader Abdul-Aziz Hakim in a press conference in Baghdad.

"If, by embracing democracy, Iraqis will all become obese like those Americans you see at their Walmart, then we will have none of it," Mr. Hakim said, vehemently pounding his fist on the table.

While Shiites, Sunnis and Kurds have been divided on most issues relating to Iraq's new constitution, fear of obesity seems to the one uniting force that has galvanized the nation's three factious ethnic groups.

Since the U.S. invasion in March 2003, the average Iraqi has reported weight gains of between fifteen and twenty pounds as the nation has struggled to adapt to the sudden influx of McDonald's, Applebee's, and Boston Market restaurants that are now a mainstay of every Iraqi thoroughfare.

At the White House, spokesman Scott McClellan said that the U.S. would soon send dispatch a representative to Iraq "to assure the Iraqi people that democracy and obesity do not necessarily go hand in hand."

While Mr. McClellan indicated that such a representative had not yet been chosen, he told reporters, "It probably won't be Cheney."

Elsewhere, a man arrested for trespassing in actress Jennifer Aniston's home told authorities that he had planned to leave Ms. Aniston to go trespassing in actress Angelina Jolie's home.

atomicbob

09-01-2005, 07:21 PM

IN WEEK BEFORE LABOR DAY, POINTLESS 'FILLER' COLUMNS ABOUND

Lazy Columnists Pad Out Stories by Quoting Experts, Experts Say

In a phenomenon that occurs every year in the week before Labor Day, national columnists across America file pointless, content-free "filler" columns, enabling the lazy scribes to hit the beach earlier, according to observers who have been following this trend.

The "filler" columns are churned out in a matter of minutes with no loftier goal than meeting a deadline and filling up space -- meaning that columnists will often resort to using the same words or phrase again and again and again and again and again.

And rather than doing any original writing, the slothful columnists will rely on so-called "experts" to supply them with quotes to fill up space, experts say.

"They'll often quote people you've never heard of," says Harold Crimmins, an expert in the field of filler columns. "It's pretty shameless."

The typical "filler" column is often a reprint of a previously published column, but the writer will later plug in one cursory reference to current events, such as the Cindy Sheehan controversy, to disguise this fact.

And in order to fill up space even faster, Crimmins says, the lazy beach-bound columnist will compose his summer "filler" columns with short paragraphs.

Many of these paragraphs will be as short as one sentence, he says.

"Or shorter," he adds.

There are other telltale signs a reader can look for in order to determine whether a writer has, in fact, filed a so-called "filler" column, according to Crimmins.

One of these is a tendency to repeat information that the reader has already read earlier in the article, with columnists even stooping to using the same quote twice.

"They'll often quote people you've never heard of," Crimmins says.

Another tip-off is if the column ends abruptly

atomicbob

09-10-2005, 03:38 PM

BARBARA BUSH RELOCATED

Former First Lady Moved to New Location Away From Cameras, Microphones

Just days after former First Lady Barbara Bush made widely publicized remarks about people made homeless by Hurricane Katrina, the White House said today that Mrs. Bush had been moved to "a new location away from television cameras and microphones."

Mrs. Bush, who in talking about Katrina refugees said that "This is working very well for them" and that many of them "were underprivileged anyway," was transported to a facility where she will have plenty of food and water but no more media appearances, the White House confirmed.

"She will be much more comfortable in this new location, surrounded by armed guards on a 24-hour basis, than she was at her compound in Kennebunkport," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan. "This is working very well for her."

Responding to a reporter who questioned whether Mrs. Bush would be happy being uprooted from her estate, Mr. McClellan said, "She was overprivileged anyway."

While the White House took credit for its success in relocating Mrs. Bush, some congressional critics argued that it did not act quickly enough to relocate the outspoken former First Lady.

"This was an emergency situation," said Sen. Joseph Biden (D-Del). "They should have relocated her the minute she opened her piehole,"

For her part, the former First Lady remained out of view, but released the following official statement: "I am doing well, but I remain envious of those who were relocated after Hurricane Katrina - boy, do those folks have a sweet deal."

Elsewhere, President Bush mourned the passing of actor Bob Denver, calling the "Gilligan's Island" star "a great American and a role model for me personally."

atomicbob

09-15-2005, 01:08 AM

JEFF: SADDAM MUST SHARE THE BLAME FOR KATRINA

Local PC Gamer Rips Iraqi Madman for Distracting Federal Government

Just two days after taking responsibility for failures of the Federal government's response in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, Jeff from Human Resources modified that position somewhat, telling reporters that former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein "should share at least some of the blame" for those failures.

"When the Federal government fails to live up to its responsibilities to the American people, the finger of blame should be pointed at one person," Jeff told reporters in the White House Rose Garden. "And that person is Saddam Hussein."

"And don't bring me into it when I'm busy playing World of Warcraft".

After reporters appeared startled and taken aback by the gamer's remark, Jeff said that he could "connect the dots" between the Iraqi madman and the government's poor emergency response after the devastating hurricane.

"For years, Saddam Hussein taunted us into believing that he had weapons of mass destruction, for one reason and one reason alone," Mr. Human Resources said. "To distract us from preparing for hurricanes." He added, "Had I realized that my absense from WIH - Counterstrike would be seen as some kind of loserville, I might have slipped in a few minutes, of play time just to satiate the masses, but it's too little too late. I suck and I know it, but that doesn't excuse Hussein from some level of responsibilty"

Adding that "his evil knows no bounds," Jeff told reporters, "Now that Saddam Hussein is in the custody of the Iraqi government, he will never threaten the United States of America with his hurricanes again."

The gaming icon also said that he was prepared to take further actions to protect the United States from hurricanes, such as invading Syria. Armed with flash 'nades, he cut the interview short, and headed out.

Reached at his prison cell in Baghdad, Mr. Hussein said that he was "disappointed" by Jeff's comments adding, "Now is not the time to play the "blame" game. Now is time to play THE GAME".

Elsewhere, returning to Washington after his trip to the Gulf region, Vice President Dick Cheney said that Hurricane Katrina did little or no damage to the nation's tax cuts.

atomicbob

09-16-2005, 04:41 PM

BUSH DETERMINED TO PLAN NEXT CATASTROPHE

Will Be 'Catastrophic Success,' Says President

In a nationally televised address last night, President George W. Bush said that Hurricane Katrina had taken him by surprise but promised the American people, "As long as I sit in this chair, all future catastrophes will be planned by me."

Attempting to reassure the country that he had a firm hand on the ship of state, the president said, "If there is going to be a tremendous disaster that impacts thousands or millions of American lives, then it is going to happen on my schedule and on my terms."

Backing up his rhetoric with action, the president said he was going to make disasters a top priority of his administration by creating a Cabinet-level post, tentatively called Secretary of Catastrophe.

"It will be the Secretary of Catastrophe's job to devise, plan, and implement all major disasters going forward," the president said.

While Mr. Bush did not indicate whether the next catastrophe would be of an economic, foreign policy or ecological nature, he concluded with this promise: "The White House will plan the next catastrophe and it will be a catastrophic success."

But according to Dr. Ivan Peslow of the University of Minnesota, the creation of a Secretary of Catastrophe, while well-intended, may result in an unnecessary level of bureaucracy.

"The president has a lot of manpower, such as Donald Rumsfeld, Condoleezza Rice and Michael Chertoff, who are already creating catastrophes on more or less a full-time basis," Dr. Peslow said.

Elsewhere, Supreme Court nominee John Roberts said that an American's right to privacy should include not having to answer questions before the Senate Judiciary Committee.

atomicbob

09-18-2005, 01:39 AM

FEMA HEAD REFUSES TO BE EVACUATED FROM OFFICE

'You'll Never Take Me Alive,' Says Shotgun-wielding Brown

A tense standoff continued in Washington, D.C. today as Federal Emergency Management Agency head Michael Brown refused to be evacuated from his office at FEMA headquarters.

The White House made the call to evacuate Mr. Brown from his office after it decided that his decision to remain there posed a threat to everyone in the Gulf region.

Agents from the Department of Homeland Security first approached Mr. Brown's office over the weekend, urging him to evacuate and offering to help him empty out his desk and pack up his files.

"We offered to move him to another office far away from the FEMA building, where he could do no harm," said Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff. "We told him that he would have a nice desk, a telephone and a secretary, and that he could spend all day rewriting his resume."

The Homeland Security agents had hoped that the evacuation of the FEMA chief would proceed without incident, but instead of an agreeable team player, the Michael Brown they encountered was a shotgun-wielding madman who doggedly refused to budge.

"You bastards!" shrieked a visibly unhinged Mr. Brown. "You'll never take me alive!"

As the standoff moved into its third day, Mr. Brown told reporters that he had enough food and water to remain in his office for another six months and that it was unfair to evacuate him after "only one major screw-up."

"They would never do this to Rumsfeld," he said.

Elsewhere, climatologists said today that President Bush's approval rating is now below sea level and should remain there for at least three years.

atomicbob

09-18-2005, 01:42 AM

CHERTOFF UNVEILS APATHY ALERT SYSTEM

Color-coded System Would Warn Public of Sluggish Government Response

Reacting to criticism that the federal government does not respond quickly enough in times of emergency and crisis, Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff today unveiled what he called "a color-coded apathy alert system" that will warn the public of just how sluggish the government's response will be.

"In the past, people have asked, what is taking the government so long to help?" Mr. Chertoff said in a press conference in Washington. "It is my firm belief that this color-coded system will keep the public better informed about the government's precise level of apathy and indifference."

"In times of crisis, people have had to guess whether the government cares or not," Mr. Chertoff added. "This apathy alert system should totally take the guesswork out of that."

The color-coded system consists of five different colors, each corresponding to the government's degree of sluggishness, Mr. Chertoff explained, using a chart and a pointer to demonstrate the system for reporters.

According to the new system, the color yellow means "normal apathy - will wait and see how situation develops," orange means "heightened apathy - will not return phone calls" and red means "severe apathy - will not cut short summer vacation in Nantucket."

But even as he unveiled the new apathy alert system, Mr. Chertoff was less specific about how and when the system would be implemented on a national basis.

"I don't see what the rush is all about," he said, telling reporters he was late for a golf date.

Elsewhere, Supreme Court nominee John Roberts entered his second day of not answering questions before the Senate Judiciary Committee.

atomicbob

09-18-2005, 01:43 AM

HASTERT SUGGESTS RETURNING LOUISIANA PURCHASE TO FRANCE

Angry Chirac States France's No-returns Policy

Offering his most controversial comments to date about the future of New Orleans, House Speaker Dennis Hastert said today that the United States should "at least explore the possibility" of returning the Louisiana Purchase in its entirety to France.

Rep. Hastert said that the United States would be "totally justified" in demanding that France take the Louisiana Purchase back because, in his view, "It's becoming obvious that when we bought the Louisiana Purchase the French were selling us a bill of goods."

Explaining his remarks, the Speaker said that when the Emperor Napoleon I sold the United States the Louisiana Purchase in 1803 he did not offer full disclosure of the property's vulnerability to storm damage and that this omission makes the sale null and void.

But at a press conference in Paris, French President Jacques Chirac gave Rep. Hastert's proposal a chilly reception, saying that France had "a strict co-returns policy" and that he intended to adhere to it.

"To Monsieur Hastert, let me say this," said a visibly angry President Chirac, pounding on the podium with his fist. "You break it - how you say - you bought it."

But according to Professor Harland Linsdale of the University of Minnesota's School of International Law, if France eventually agreed to take back the Louisiana Purchase, it is unlikely that the U.S. could demand more than the 1803 purchase price of $15 million.

"In Louisiana, $15 million won't even buy you one elected official," Professor Linsdale said.

Elsewhere, reconstruction efforts in New Orleans suffered a setback today when Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally leaned against a levee and breached it.

[W33T] JimmytehHand8

09-21-2005, 12:37 AM

This stuff is hilarious, do you write for the Onion or something?

atomicbob

09-21-2005, 08:01 AM

I don't write it Jimmy. Sometimes I edit them, but I just think they are a great read and like to share them.

:rockon:

atomicbob

09-22-2005, 12:13 PM

KATE MOSS SCORES ENDORSEMENT DEAL WITH COLOMBIAN DRUG CARTEL

Supermodel to Become the New Face of Cocaine, Says Drug Lord

One day after published photos of her allegedly using cocaine caused retailer H & M to drop her from an upcoming advertising campaign, supermodel Kate Moss has already bounced back nicely, scoring an unprecedented seven-figure endorsement deal with Colombia's largest drug cartel.

According to those familiar with the deal, Ms. Moss signed a three-year contract for eight million dollars, with a street value of forty million.

The endorsement contract, believed to be the first ever offered by a major illegal drug ring, was announced today at the cartel's headquarters in Bogotá, Colombia.

Sitting at a table before a room packed with reporters, a somewhat dazed Ms. Moss was flanked by beaming members of the cartel's top management, including the international fugitive, drug lord Ricardo Diaz.

"This deal with Kate Moss is much, much more than an endorsement contract," said Mr. Diaz. "We have every intention of making Kate Moss the new face of cocaine."

After speaking expansively about the cartel's plans for Ms. Moss, Mr. Diaz turned over the press conference to the supermodel, who immediately excused herself to use the bathroom.

According to Dr. Davis Logsdon, who studies the advertising and marketing of illicit drugs at the University of Minnesota, the endorsement deal for Ms. Moss could spark a feeding frenzy as other illegal drug rings go after celebrity spokespersons.

"I would imagine that Courtney Love's phone is ringing off the hook right now," Dr. Logsdon said.

Elsewhere, North Korea withdrew its request that the world build it a nuclear reactor and instead asked the world to drop a nuclear reactor on South Korea.

atomicbob

09-25-2005, 01:35 AM

SCIENTISTS DOUBT EXISTENCE OF DEMOCRATS

Opposition Party Could Be Black Hole, Experts Says

With President George W. Bush's approval ratings plummeting in recent weeks, the inability on the part of Democrats to capitalize on the president's waning fortunes has caused some leading scientists to postulate that the Democratic Party may not exist at all.

Dr. Marisa Drazin, a leading scientist who for years has been questioning the existence of Democrats, said today that what many have thought to be the Democratic Party may in fact be nothing more than a black hole.

"When the president loses ten or twelve approval points, one would normally expect those approval points to go to the opposition party," Dr. Drazin said. "But instead, those points have vanished into thin air, leading one to conclude that the so-called Democratic Party does not exist."

Theories about the nonexistence of the Democratic Party are nothing new, said Dr. Drazin, who pointed out that scientists first developed them during the 1988 presidential campaign of then-Massachusetts Gov. Michael Dukakis.

While the silence of the Democratic Party in recent weeks seems to bolster theories of the party's nonexistence, she said, there are still some nagging pieces of evidence to the contrary, such as the perpetually outspoken DNC chairman, former Vermont Gov. Howard Dean.

"I've discussed the Howard Dean phenomenon with my colleagues," Dr. Drazin said. "And it's the consensus of the scientific community that there is no logical explanation for Howard Dean."

Elsewhere, the World Health Organization attempted to dial back concerns about possible cases of avian flu in Indonesia, saying that the avian flu could just be an avian cold.

atomicbob

09-25-2005, 01:36 AM

ZELLWEGER SAYS CHESNEY LIED ABOUT SADDAM'S WMD

Phony Weapons Claims at Heart of Celebrity Annulment

Actress Renee Zellweger, who filed for an annulment of her marriage to country singer Kenny Chesney last week on the grounds of "fraud," specified the nature of that fraud today, telling reporters that Mr. Chesney had claimed to her that Saddam Hussein possessed weapons of mass destruction.

The Oscar-winning actress held a press conference in Los Angeles to discuss the details of the annulment proceedings, telling reporters that Mr. Chesney's phony weapons claims about the former Iraqi strongman were at the heart of her complaint.

"Throughout our courtship, Kenny told me that he had proof that Saddam Hussein was a threat because he possessed weapons of mass destruction," Ms. Zellweger said. "I told him, you had me at 'weapons.'"

But in the first weeks of their marriage, Ms. Zellweger said, she grew suspicious that there was less to Mr. Chesney's weapons charges than met the eye and pressed him for proof that the Iraqi madman actually had WMD.

When the platinum-selling recording artist could not furnish proof about the evildoer's weapons, Ms. Zellweger cried fraud and then filed for an annulment, she said.

A spokesman for Mr. Chesney said that he had hoped that elections in Iraq and a new constitution there would save their marriage, but that ultimately Ms. Zellweger remained unmoved.

For her part, Ms. Zellweger seemed satisfied with her decision to annul the union, giving reporters this parting shot: "Mission accomplished."

Elsewhere, Apple Computer today introduced the iPod FigmentT, a portable musical device so tiny that it is invisible to the naked eye and may not actually exist.

atomicbob

09-25-2005, 01:37 AM

CHENEY TO SPEND ENTIRE MONTH ABOVE GROUND

Will Expose Himself to Sunlight to Boost White House Approval Ratings

Vice President Dick Cheney said today that in an effort to pump up the White House's anemic approval ratings he would remain above ground for an entire month and would not return to his secure, undisclosed location until November.

The vice president, who emerged from his underground lair two weeks ago for a series of high-profile photo opportunities, made the surprising announcement at a press briefing in the White House.

"I'm untanned, but I'm rested and ready," said Mr. Cheney, squinting at the daylight as he spoke to the White House press corps.

According to one of the vice president's aides, Mr. Cheney's decision to climb out of his subterranean hideout for the entire month of October would mean his longest visit to the Earth's surface since 2001.

"Dick Cheney is willing to do everything he can to help the White House's numbers, even if it means exposing himself to the ultraviolet rays of the sun," the aide said.

But according to Dr. Lars Krenzel, a scientist who studies the habitats and migration patterns of vice presidents for the University of Minnesota, Dick Cheney's extended visit to the earth's surface means "a journey into the unknown."

"There is no way of predicting how Dick Cheney will respond to the earth's atmosphere," said Dr. Krenzel. "One thing is certain, however: whether he is above ground or below ground, his Halliburton stock will continue to rise."

Elsewhere, NASA said it would return to the moon by 2018, and FEMA said it would return its phone calls by 2020.

atomicbob

09-26-2005, 04:50 PM

BUSH ORDERS EVACUATION OF CINDY SHEEHAN

FEMA Dispatches Bus to Washington for Antiwar Mom

Saying that "severe weather conditions could strike at any moment," President George W. Bush today ordered the immediate evacuation of antiwar protester Cindy Sheehan from the front lawn of the White House.

The president, who had been monitoring Hurricane Rita from the U.S. Northern Command headquarters in Colorado, said that he was flying back to Washington D.C. "immediately" to take a hands-on role in the evacuation of Ms. Sheehan.

"We have learned from Katrina and Rita that early evacuation is the best policy," Mr. Bush said. "Therefore, I want Cindy Sheehan on a bus out of Washington as soon as possible."

Following the president's directive, the Federal Emergency Management Agency dispatched a bus to Washington, D.C. for the sole purpose of evacuating Ms. Sheehan.

But the antiwar mom, who participated in protests over the weekend with the Rev. Jesse Jackson and other antiwar activists, said she was "puzzled" by the president's evacuation order since "the weather here is fine."

"We were protesting all weekend and there wasn't a cloud in the sky," she said. "Plus, I checked the Weather Channel and they said it's going to be nice all week."

According to the latest report from the National Weather Service, there is a ten percent chance of precipitation in Washington and a zero percent chance that President Bush will ever talk to Cindy Sheehan.

Elsewhere, recovering from aneurism surgery on his knees, Vice President Dick Cheney said that repair work on his knees would be done by the Halliburton Company at a cost of 12.8 billion dollars.

atomicbob

09-26-2005, 04:51 PM

atomicbob

09-26-2005, 04:52 PM

BLAME GAME TIED

Federal, Local Governments Deadlocked in Finger-pointing Contest

The ongoing blame game that began in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina is officially tied, as Federal and local governments have each dished out identical amounts of blame, the official scorekeeper of the blame game said today.

The scorekeeper, Karl Chanswood, is president of the National Blame Game Association, an organization that for the past forty years has promoted the blame game as a professional sport and hopes to see it included someday in the Olympics.

Mr. Chanswood said that in the current blame game, state and local governments pulled out to an early lead over the Federal government.

"Based on the early going, I would have guessed that the state and local governments had this particular blame game in the bag," Mr. Chanswood said.

But after initially stumbling, he said, the Federal government stepped up their finger-pointing and pulled into a dead heat with their state and local rivals.

"I have to hand it to the White House," Mr. Chanswood said. "They were way behind in this finger-pointing contest, but then they really brought their 'A' game."

At the White House, spokesman Scott McClellan brushed aside criticism that the White House responded too slowly to being blamed by state and local governments and should have started returning the blame much sooner.

Mr. McClellan pointed out that President Bush had recently authorized the release of the Strategic Blame Reserves, an emergency supply of blame that is used only in times of national crisis: "That's a sign of how seriously we take winning this blame game."

Elsewhere, after a new study showed that two-year-olds mimic their parents' smoking habits, singer Art Garfunkel's two-year-old was busted by police.

atomicbob

09-27-2005, 10:56 PM

DESPERATE FOR AIRTIME, BIN LADEN STARTS COVERING HURRICANES
Madman Turns Weatherman to Get on TV

Largely forgotten during the nonstop cable news coverage of Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, international terror mastermind Osama bin Laden has opted to start covering hurricanes himself in a desperate bid to get back on TV, sources close to the al Qaeda madman confirmed today.

According to an associate of Mr. bin Laden, the strategic shift from terrorism to hurricane coverage became necessary after it grew clear to the terror kingpin that the cable news outlets would not air his terror videos as long as they were committed to wall-to-wall weather reporting.

"Osama kept sending in video after video, some of his spookiest work to date, but the cable news networks wouldn't put them on the air," the associate said. "Considering he's the world's most wanted man, he didn't feel very wanted."

The associate said that Mr. bin Laden seethed as he watched the networks follow the paths of destruction of the two hurricanes while ignoring the al Qaeda boss: "There's something terribly wrong when Osama bin Laden can't get as much airtime as Anderson Cooper."

In his latest video, Mr. bin Laden seems to have taken an "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em attitude," wearing a rain slicker and boots, his hair and beard blown about by gale force winds.

According to his associate, covering hurricanes was a necessary compromise to get Mr. bin Laden back on the air: "It was either that or going on 'Dancing With the Stars.'"

Elsewhere, President Bush hinted that "diversity" would be the goal of his next Supreme Court pick, indicating that he might choose a white man with blonde hair this time.

atomicbob

09-29-2005, 12:35 PM

BUSH PRAISES SWIFTNESS OF HURRICANE RITA PHOTO-OPS

But Says Government Must Create Impression of Concern Even Faster in Future

In a televised speech to the nation last night, President George W. Bush praised the Federal government for responding swiftly to Hurricane Rita with well-crafted, high-quality photo opportunities showing him looking concerned, but said that the government needs to create the impression of concern even faster in the future.

Mr. Bush said the fact that the government provided the first images of him looking grave and engaged in the crisis even before Hurricane Rita slammed into the Texas and Louisiana coastline showed that it had learned the lessons of Hurricane Katrina.

"After Hurricane Katrina, it was hours before the American people saw the first photos of me furrowing my brow and looking serious," Mr. Bush said. "But with Rita, we had high-quality images of me looking worried right from the get-go."

While praising the swiftness of the government's photo-op response to Rita, the president said that "much work still needs to be done" to ensure that the government will produce high-quality post-disaster photo-ops even faster in the future.

To that end, he said he was creating a new government bureaucracy, the Federal Emergency Image Management Agency, which would provide the president with lighting, cameras, and dramatic backdrops within minutes of any national emergency.

"In times of crisis, the president needs to send the American people the following message," the president concluded. "Message: I look like I care."

Elsewhere, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher wed in a private ceremony over the weekend, vowing to love, honor and obey each other longer than Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney.

atomicbob

09-30-2005, 05:50 PM

DeLAY, FRIST TO WED

Embattled Republicans Seek Legal Protection as Gay Married Couple

In what some skeptics saw as a calculated move to protect themselves from impending prosecution and ethics probes, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist and former Speaker of the House Tom DeLay announced today that they were engaged to be married.

Holding hands on the steps of the Capitol, Sen. Frist and Rep. DeLay denied that there were any ulterior motives for their stunning decision to wed.

"Let our critics say what they want," Rep. DeLay said. "Bill and I have never been more in love."

But before reporters could question the two smitten lawmakers, Sen. Frist added, "And as a gay married couple, we expect to be protected from harassment by the government, including prosecution for conspiracy and investigation of insider stock sales."

Rep. DeLay, seemingly fighting back tears, concurred: "We refuse to be attacked by those who won't accept our love."

The two men said they would go on a brief honeymoon to Hawaii and then would start working on legislation that would classify them as an endangered species.

As outspoken opponents of gay marriage, the two conservative Republicans' decision to wed surprised many in official Washington.

Even Rep. Barney Frank, an openly gay lawmaker from Massachusetts, said that while he embraced the union between the two men, "I'm still having a hard time getting my brain around it."

"I know politics makes strange bedfellows, but those two are the strangest bedfellows I've ever seen," Rep. Frank said.

Elsewhere, Saddam Hussein's prosecutors said they would seek the harshest sentence possible for the deposed dictator, forcing him to share a prison cell with Army Pfc. Lynndie England.

atomicbob

10-03-2005, 12:21 PM

BENNETT: ABORTING TALK-SHOW HOSTS WOULD REDUCE IDIOTIC COMMENTS

Former Education Secretary Finds Himself in Middle of Controversy Again

After bring blasted for saying on his radio program that aborting all black babies would reduce crime in America, former Education Secretary Bill Bennett attempted an apology today, telling his radio audience that aborting all future talk-show hosts would dramatically reduce the number of idiotic remarks made on the radio.

"I just want to put this out there," Mr. Bennett said on "Morning in America," his nationally syndicated radio program. "But if we were to systematically abort every future radio talk-show host in this country, the number of idiotic remarks made in America would plummet."

After making his latest controversial remark, however, Mr. Bennett did not leave well enough alone as he launched in a series of other potentially inflammatory abortion proposals.

"We have an enormous problem of gambling addiction in this country," Mr. Bennett said. "It seems to me that the one surefire way to fix it would be to abort all future gambling addicts before they get the chance to hit the tables at Vegas."

Furthermore, Mr. Bennett said, abortion could be the key to reducing the number of sanctimonious hypocrites in America today: "Let's just abort all of those sanctimonious hypocrites before they start writing pompous books and hosting radio shows."

Mr. Bennett, however, was tight-lipped on the subject of indicted House Majority Leader Tom Delay (R-Texas), saying merely, "There was a simple solution to that problem."

Elsewhere, hotel heiress Paris Hilton and shipping heir Paris Latsis said they were breaking off their engagement, abandoning their plan to create a race of shallow, self-obsessed morons.

atomicbob

10-06-2005, 12:44 PM

BUSH GIVES SUPREME COURT PICK 'JUDGING FOR DUMMIES'

Non-judge to Receive Crash Course in Judging, President Says

One day after nominating a non-judge, Harriet Miers, to the United States Supreme Court, President George W. Bush presented his nominee with a book entitled "Judging for Dummies" which he said would provide her with "a crash course in judging."

The book, which includes definitions of such basic judging terms as "docket" and "gavel," will be invaluable in preparing Ms. Miers to serve on the highest court in the land, the president said.

While nominating someone with no judging experience on her resume to the Supreme Court raised eyebrows in some legal circles, Mr. Bush told reporters that although Ms. Miller had no experience as a judge she had decades of experience as a crony.

"People make up half the stuff on their resumes anyway," Mr. Bush said. "Look at poor old Brownie," referring to former FEMA chief Michael D. Brown.

Saying that "experience is overrated," the President noted, "I never served in the military, and I've invaded two countries -- you learn by doing."

Mr. Bush expressed confidence that his nominee was a quick study, adding, "If you're looking for judging experience, I can think of no better on-the-job training than serving on the United States Supreme Court."

For her part, Ms. Miers said that she had begun reading "Judging for Dummies" and was already getting up to speed for her new job: "The 'v' in legal cases is short for 'versus.'"

Elsewhere, NBC announced today that it would begin broadcasting a new spin-off of its hit "Law and Order" series entitled "Law and Order: Special Tom DeLay Unit."

atomicbob

10-07-2005, 06:17 PM

U.S. DROPS SUVs ON INSURGENTS

'Operation Iron Junk' In Full Swing Across Iraq, Says Rumsfeld

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced today that the U.S. military was taking advantage of American car dealers' huge inventory of unsold sport utility vehicles by dropping the SUVs on insurgent positions across Iraq.

The defense secretary revealed details of the new offensive, called Operation Iron Junk, at a briefing today at the Pentagon.

"Car dealers can't get rid of SUVs, and we can't seem to get rid of those pesky insurgents," Mr. Rumsfeld told reporters. "Hopefully, by dropping SUVs on insurgents, we will get rid of both."

Operation Iron Junk began over the weekend when a C-17 Globemaster III cargo plane pounded insurgent positions in the town of Qaim near the Syrian border by opening its cargo hold and dumping fourteen fully loaded Lincoln Navigators on foreign fighters and suspected al Qaeda operatives.

"There is nothing scarier than seeing one of those mammoth gas guzzlers falling from the sky," chuckled Mr. Rumsfeld. "I wish I'd been there!"

Mr. Rumsfeld said that wile most of the SUV strikes have been successful, a few have missed their mark, including a sortie on Sunday in which a Ford Expedition landed on an unoccupied Toyota Prius, instantly crushing it.

But on the whole, the defense secretary was prepared to call Operation Iron Junk a success: "This is by far the most mileage anyone has ever gotten out of an SUV."

Elsewhere, in a possible breach of the separation of church and state, Rep. Tom DeLay (R-Tex) introduced a bill in Congress calling for God to smite a Texas grand jury with locusts.

[W33T] JimmytehHand8

10-07-2005, 10:09 PM

hahaha thats classic Atomic, classic

atomicbob

10-10-2005, 12:27 PM

GOD'S PHONE LOGS PROVE HE DID NOT SPEAK TO BUSH

'Out of the Loop' On Iraq, Almighty Says

Days after the BBC reported that President George W. Bush claimed God told him to invade Iraq, the Almighty held a rare press conference today to say that He was "totally out of the loop" on the March 2003 invasion.

Reporters packed a meeting room at the Grand Hyatt Hotel in Washington, D.C. to hear the angry denial of the Supreme Being, who had not held a press conference in over half a year.

Dressed in a white robe and sporting his trademark long, flowing beard, God told a reporter that the president's version of events was "bogus," adding, "Dude, I don't even know the guy."

The King of the Universe then showed reporters detailed phone logs from March 2003 revealing that He had no conversations with President Bush, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, or anyone else involved in the decision to invade Iraq.

While the logs showed no conversation with the president, they did indicate that on March 24 of that year God placed a call to actress Nicole Kidman to congratulate her on winning the Best Actress Oscar for her performance in "The Hours."

In what some saw as a particularly sarcastic rebuke of the president, God offered this possible explanation of Mr. Bush's claim that He had told him to invade Iraq: "Maybe he has me confused with Dick Cheney."

Elsewhere, the Department of Homeland Security said that the recent terror threat to New York City was "specific but non-credible," and that so was the nomination of Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court.

atomicbob

10-11-2005, 04:44 PM

NEW ORLEANS RECOVERING FASTER THAN ANDERSON COOPER

Newsman Still Sobbing One Month After Katrina, Federal Officials Say

Government officials supervising the rebuilding of New Orleans after the devastation of Hurricane Katrina last month said today that the city is beginning to recover, but that the same could not be said about CNN anchor Anderson Cooper.

"He began sobbing uncontrollably weeks ago and he has not let up," said Harley Trestman, an official with the Federal Emergency Management Agency. "We regard the situation with Anderson Cooper as still very, very serious."

Mr. Trestman said that his agency was doing everything in its power to rebuild Mr. Cooper's emotional state, but progress had been slower than had been hoped, adding, "He could blow at any moment."

Pressure has been mounting on the Federal government in recent weeks to declare a state of emergency regarding Mr. Cooper, an unprecedented move since it would be the first time such a designation was accorded a cable news anchorman.

If the government were to take the step of declaring Mr. Cooper a disaster area, however, it would give FEMA the ability to send an emergency shipment of tissues to the lachrymose anchor, as well as a "Feel Better Bear" from 1-800-FLOWERS.

While some have criticized FEMA for not anticipating Mr. Cooper's crying jag, Mr. Trestman regards such carping as unfair.

"The Anderson Cooper situation has been extraordinary in the annals of sobbing," he said. "We really haven't seen anything like this since Halle Berry won the Academy Award."

Elsewhere, singer Boy George and model Kate Moss each agreed to perform 200 hours of community service, acting as drug-sniffing British celebrities at Heathrow Airport.

atomicbob

10-12-2005, 12:01 PM

BUSH NAMES GUY HE MET AT MALL TO REPLACE GREENSPAN

President Attempts to Blunt Charges of Cronyism

Still smarting from criticism of his nomination of Harriet Miers to the United States Supreme Court, President George W. Bush today nominated a man he described as "a guy I met at the mall" to succeed Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan.

At a White House ceremony, a beaming President Bush stood at the side of the guy he met at the mall and explained how he came to choose a total unknown to replace Mr. Greenspan, who has served at the Fed since 1987.

Mr. Bush said that the two men met while they were waiting in line at a David's Cookies store: "I was very impressed with the way he counted his change, and I am confident he will bring that same understanding of money to his new role as head of the Federal Reserve."

While the president said he did not yet know the name of the guy he met at the mall, he added, "All of that will come out during the confirmation process."

After being accused of cronyism in the nomination of Ms. Miers, the president may be trying to blunt such criticism by nominating someone he barely knows to run the Fed, some in Washington believe.

But Davis Logsdon, a political science professor at the University of Minnesota, has a different theory about Mr. Bush's recent appointments: "He may be surrounding himself with lousy people in the hopes that he'll be graded on a curve."

Elsewhere, the New York Yankees fell to the Los Angeles Angels despite a ninth-inning attempt by George Steinbrenner to buy the L.A. team.

atomicbob

10-13-2005, 12:23 PM

FEMA TOO LATE TO SAVE NICK AND JESSICA'S MARRIAGE

Agency 'Caught Unawares' By Marital Meltdown

In the latest setback for a troubled government agency, the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) acknowledged today that it had been too late to save the marriage of singers Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson.

At a press conference in Washington, D.C., a red-faced R. David Paulison, the interim chief of FEMA, admitted that the agency had been "caught unawares" by the celebrities' marital woes.

"I thought everything was fine with them," Mr. Paulison told reporters. "The first I got wind that they were having troubles was late Tuesday morning."

Once the FEMA chief learned that Ms. Simpson and Mr. Lachey were on the rocks, it took the agency a full twenty-four hours to dispatch an emergency marriage counselor to their home in Los Angeles, but by then it was too little, too late, FEMA's critics charge.

Those same critics allege that amid the turmoil in the agency in recent weeks, someone had allowed FEMA's subscription to Us Weekly to lapse.

At the White House, President Bush expressed surprise that the marriage between the stars of MTV's "Newlyweds" was coming to an end: "Who could have guessed that Nick and Jessica's wedding vows would be breached?"

For his part, FEMA's Paulison said that the agency had learned its lesson "the hard way" from the Nick and Jessica breakup and would be better prepared the next time: "We are going to be monitoring Ashton and Demi very, very closely."

Elsewhere, Apple Computer today introduced the first Video IPod, expected to be popular among porn fans with excellent eyesight.

atomicbob

10-14-2005, 07:33 PM

KIM JONG-IL NAMES NON-MADMAN TO SUCCEED HIM

Critics Question Qualifications of Sane Nominee

North Korean madman Kim Jong-Il created a firestorm of controversy today by naming a non-madman to succeed him as president, prompting critics to question whether his nominee possessed the qualifications to replace one of the world's most insane leaders.

At a press conference in Pyongyang, the mercurial Kim introduced his hand-picked successor, Kyung Hwa Chim, who has been his personal chef for the past thirty-five years.

But even as a beaming Kim praised his nominee's credentials, critics combed Chim's record looking for any evidence of insanity and came up empty, causing many to wonder if the seemingly sane Chim was truly qualified for the job.

Speaking on condition of anonymity for fear of being thrown into the core of a nuclear reactor, one such critic said, "With all of the insane people in Kim's government, why would you pick a non-lunatic with no madman experience whatsoever?"

For his part, Kim told reporters today that madman experience was "overrated" and that he believed that his personal chef was the best choice: "I am fully confident that as President of North Korea, Kyung Hwa Chim will be capable of making totally unhinged, loony decisions."

He acknowledged, however, that being a madman had been as asset to him during his own tenure in the job.

"You don't have to be crazy to be President of North Korea," he said, "but it helps."

Elsewhere, angry New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner said he would launch an internal investigation to determine which players were not taking their steroids during the team's recent playoff loss to the Los Angeles Angels.

atomicbob

10-19-2005, 08:39 AM

NEW SUPER-TINY IPOD IS IMPLANTED DIRECTLY INTO THE BRAIN

100 Million Americans Could Be Hardwired for Sound By 2008, Says Jobs

At company headquarters in Cupertino, California today, Apple Computer CEO Steve Jobs introduced a new IPod so tiny that it can be implanted directly into the human brain.

The IPod MicroT becomes fused to the central nervous system through a simple non-invasive surgical procedure that can be performed in any doctor's office or at any Apple store, Mr. Jobs said.

The Apple CEO, who last week became the first to have the IPod MicroT implanted into his brain, showed how music can be downloaded via a USB port discreetly located on the back of his neck.

Mr. Jobs said that the MicroT can store up to 2800 songs and that the tracks can be shuffled by blinking one's eyes or nodding one's head, making it possible to listen to music in a classroom or at the office without anyone else knowing it.

He demonstrated by rocking out to the song "Let's Get It Started" by The Black Eyed Peas, declaring the sound quality inside his head "awesome."

While Mr. Jobs said that as many as 100 million Americans could be hardwired for sound by 2008, Sony Corporation CEO Sir Howard Stringer served notice that his company was rolling out a new, super-tiny PlayStation PortableT that could also be implanted directly into the brain.

"There's a lot of room in the average American's head and we intend to fight for every square inch of it," Sir Howard told reporters.

Elsewhere, thousands lined up to buy Powerball tickets when lottery officials announced that the grand prize would be a full tank of gas.

atomicbob

10-24-2005, 12:13 PM

DEMOCRATS SEEKING WAYS TO SQUANDER HISTORIC OPPORTUNITY

'We Will Manage to Screw This Up,' Vows Dean

Given a Republican president with plummeting approval ratings and a Republican congressional leadership that is being investigated, indicted, and in at least one case fingerprinted, Democratic party leaders said today that they are "actively seeking" ways to squander their historic opportunity.

At a press conference in Washington, D.C. today, Democratic National Committee chairman Howard Dean reassured the party faithful that the Democrats would stick to tradition and find some way to blow this golden opportunity.

"People look at the mess the Republicans find themselves in and ask, 'How could the Democrats possibly screw this up?'" Gov. Dean said. "I am here to say, don't worry, we will find a way."

The DNC chief said that the Democrats have already convened a top-level brainstorming session of strategists from the Dukakis, Mondale, and Kerry campaigns to formulate a plan for squandering the opportunity the Republicans have handed them on a silver platter.

According to those familiar with the strategy session, the Democrats have already settled on a new slogan for the 2006 midterm elections, "Read our lips - tons of new taxes," and that most of that new tax revenue would be used to promote the legalization of crystal meth.

While it is still early to be planning how to lose the 2008 election, Gov. Dean said that most preliminary discussions have revolved around nominating the Rev. Al Sharpton for President.

"We're only going for Sharpton because our first choice, Jacques Chirac, was unavailable," Gov. Dean said.

Elsewhere, days after photos of her baby were stolen, singer Britney Spears demanded that the photos be returned at once so she could sell them.

atomicbob

10-24-2005, 12:20 PM

SADDAM DEMANDS HARRIET MIERS AS HIS JUDGE

'Likes His Chances' With Non-judge Presiding at Trial

Former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein threw another monkey wrench into his upcoming trial for crimes against humanity today, demanding that Harriet Miers, President Bush's latest choice for the United States Supreme Court, serve as judge for that trial.

According to close associates, Mr. Hussein "likes his chances" of beating the charges against him if a non-judge is presiding.

While some legal experts saw the former strongman's latest demand as yet another delaying tactic, those close to Mr. Hussein say that his ardor for Ms. Miers is authentic.

Reportedly, the Iraqi madman was watching television when Mr. Bush introduced his new nominee, and when Mr. Hussein learned that she had no judging experience whatsoever, he jumped up from his prison bed and declared, "Bring me Harriet Miers!"

Mr. Hussein supposedly has told associates that with a non-judge presiding at his trial, he would be able to use what he called "weapons of mass disruption," such as inappropriate and excessive objections, motions, and even bathroom breaks.

But President Bush, attempting to nip Mr. Hussein's latest strategy in the bud, gave his demand "a big no-can-do" at the White House today.

"Harriet Miers does not have the judging experience to deal with an evildoer as wily as Saddam Hussein," Mr. Bush said. "And the only way she can get that experience is by serving on the United States Supreme Court."

Elsewhere, the Minnesota Vikings petitioned the National Football League to let them play the remainder of the season onboard a boat, arguing that that is where they have done most of their scoring this year.

atomicbob

10-24-2005, 07:03 PM

DELAY VOWS TO CONTINUE FUNDRAISING IN PRISON

Will Tap Into Network of Convicted CEOs, Congressman Says

Rep. Tom DeLay (R-Texas) said today that even if he is convicted of crimes for which he has been indicted in the state of Texas, he will continue fundraising for future political campaigns while serving time in prison.

A defiant Rep. DeLay told reporters in Washington that being incarcerated would not slow his fundraising efforts "one iota" because it would enable him to tap into a cash-rich network of convicted CEO's.

"If I'm behind bars, you can bet your fanny I'll be reaching out to Dennis Kozlowski, Bernie Ebbers, and the rest of my people," Rep. DeLay said. "I might be able to raise more money in prison than I could on the outside."

The specter of Rep. DeLay hitting the fundraising mother lode while serving a prison sentence sent shivers through the Democratic Party establishment, with some party leaders openly wondering if there are any Democratic congressmen who could serve time behind bars to level the fundraising playing field.

But after a top-level meeting of the Democratic National Committee last night, DNC chief Howard Dean was pessimistic that a Democrat could be recruited to break a law or two and follow Mr. DeLay through the prison gates.

"If we Democrats are ever going to be competitive with Republicans in terms of fundraising, we simply are going to have to get better at committing crimes," Mr. Dean said.

Elsewhere, Nintendo and McDonald's announced that they were teaming up to provide access to Nintendo's wireless gaming service at McDonald's restaurants, thus enabling McDonald's customers to become even more sedentary and obese than ever before.

atomicbob

10-25-2005, 12:32 PM

U.S. FACING CRONY SHORTAGE

Not Enough Cronies to Fill Government Positions, President Warns

In a nationally televised speech last night, President George W. Bush warned the American people that the United States is facing a severe shortage of cronies and that if the crisis is not addressed there may not be enough cronies to fill key government positions.

"The shortage of cronies is a real and serious problem," the president said in his speech from the Oval Office at the White House. "We ignore it at our peril."

The president said that during his first five years in office he had hired so many cronies in top administration jobs that the demand for cronies had far outstripped the supply.

While some aides to the president have called for him to tap into the Strategic Crony Reserves, an old-boy network of Republican insiders warehoused in various think-tanks and lobbying groups in Washington, D.C., the president said that such a solution is "little more than a quick fix."

"In order to avert a serious shortage going forward, we need to develop alternative sources of cronies," Mr. Bush said.

Dr. Davis Logsdon, who has been studying the nation's declining supply of cronies at the University of Minnesota's Crony Research Institute, said that outsourcing some of the work normally performed by native-born cronies may be the solution to the crony shortage problem.

"The president may consider tapping into a plentiful supply of foreign cronies, specifically in the Saudi royal family," he said.

Elsewhere, the White House revealed today that the actual nickname of Dick Cheney's Chief of Staff Lewis Libby was not "Scooter" as originally reported, but "Leaky."

atomicbob

10-26-2005, 02:53 PM

WHITE HOUSE STAFFERS PLAN TO INFILTRATE AL QAEDA

Will Leak Bin Laden's Precise Location to the Press

According to a top-secret plan being developed by the Bush administration, high ranking White House staffers intend to infiltrate al Qaeda in the hopes of leaking Osama bin Laden's precise location to the press.

The plan, codenamed Operation Blabbermouth, was hatched over the weekend after a marathon discussion concerning the ongoing CIA leak scandal, a source inside the White House said today.

"We decided that instead of wringing our hands about leaking the name of that CIA operative, why not put out ability to leak information to positive use?" the source said. "After all, leaking is the one thing we're really good at."

The source said that White House staffers are currently undergoing training in the hopes of infiltrating al Qaeda by year's end: "We intend to infiltrate al Qaeda as completely as Halliburton has infiltrated the White House."

Once close to bin Laden, the source said, the White House staffers will immediately place phone calls to newspaper reporters to leak the madman's precise location: "We're all going to have Judy Miller on speed-dial,"

Counterterrorism expert Richard Clarke, while praising Operation Blabbermouth for its inventiveness, said that the plan has one major flaw: "In order for a plan like that to work, it would have to be kept totally secret, and they've already leaked it to the press."

In response to Mr. Clarke's criticism, the White House source offered this response: "Oops."

Elsewhere, in the World Series, some players that no one has heard of defeated some other players that no one has heard of.

atomicbob

10-28-2005, 05:02 PM

SENATORS GRILL MIERS ON PLANS TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH FAMILY

Letter of Withdrawal Incomplete, Lawmakers Complain

Just minutes after Harriet Miers, President Bush's nominee for the United States Supreme Court, issued a letter withdrawing her nomination for the nation's highest court, members of the U.S. Senate blasted her withdrawal, calling her plans to spend more time with her family vague and ill-defined.

"When Harriet Miers says she wants to spend more time with her family, what family is she talking about and what activities does she intend to fill that time with?" said Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY). "Her letter of withdrawal, in my view, has raised more questions than it has answered."

On the other side of the aisle, Sen. Trent Lott (D-Miss.) said that he had submitted several written questions to Ms. Miers regarding her decision to spend more time with her family, but that the embattled nominee had failed to answer them.

"I asked Harriet Miers to name one hobby she intends to pursue after she withdraws her nomination," said. Sen. Lott. "She has yet to reply."

Meanwhile, in a sign that he is desperate to pick someone popular enough to be confirmed by the U.S. Senate, President Bush said today that he had nominated Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, star of the hit movie "Doom," to take Ms. Miers' place.

"The Rock has the number one movie in the country right now," an exasperated Mr. Bush told reporters at the White House. "Come on, guys -- that should count for something."

Elsewhere, one day after singer Janet Jackson told reporters that she did not have a child, her brother Michael offered to lend her one.

atomicbob

11-01-2005, 06:07 PM

BUSH STRIPS LIBBY OF NICKNAME

Renames Cheney Aide 'Lying Bastard' In Secret White House Ceremony

Just hours after he was indicted on five counts in the investigation of the leak of a CIA officer's identity, Vice President Dick Cheney's chief of staff I. Lewis Libby suffered another indignity as President George W. Bush stripped him of his nickname in a secret White House ceremony.

During the solemn rite, which took place in the basement of the White House on Friday afternoon, President Bush stripped Mr. Libby of the nickname "Scooter" and replaced it with a new one, "Lying Bastard."

"Scooter Libby, I hereby dub thee Lying Bastard Libby," a visibly angry Mr. Bush reportedly declared.

According to a White House source, the president takes nicknames "very seriously" and therefore stripping a staffer of his playful moniker is the greatest punishment that Mr. Bush can levy on a subordinate who has found disfavor with him.

"It's something all of us dread," said the source, whose own nickname is Chatty. "I'll never forget what happened during the Katrina mess, when he changed [Former FEMA Chief] Michael Brown's nickname from Brownie to Sluggo."

According to Professor Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota's School of Law, Mr. Libby's new nickname could come back to haunt him when his case eventually goes to trial: "When you put your hand on the Bible and say, 'I, Lying Bastard Libby, swear to tell the truth,' that could potentially hurt you with a jury."

Elsewhere, after announcing plans to appear in sequels of both "Rocky" and "Rambo," Sylvester Stallone reassured moviegoers that he would not do a sequel of "Tango & Cash."

atomicbob

11-03-2005, 07:04 PM

U.S. PLANS TO MAKE BIRDS OBESE

Would Slow the Spread of Avian Flu, President Asserts

In a press conference at the White House today, President George W. Bush announced an ambitious plan to slow the potential spread of avian flu by making birds obese.

"Birds spread the flu by flying," the president told reporters. "So it stands to reason that if birds are too fat to fly, they can't spread the flu."

The president said that he personally developed the strategy for slowing the spread of the deadly flu after realizing that "obesity is America's secret weapon in the battle for global health."

Mr. Bush said that starting next week, government-issued pamphlets would be distributed at such fast-food outlets as McDonald's, Burger King, and Kentucky Fried Chicken, encouraging customers to buy an additional fat-laden meal and feed it to birds.

If all goes according to plan, the president said, the global population of birds will be so badly out of shape and easily winded, "they will only have enough energy to sit around and watch television."

But according to Charlotte Harswell, a spokesperson for the Audubon Society, the plan to make birds obese and unable to fly is "misguided and cruel."

"The president's plan is essentially tantamount to declaring a global war on birds," she said.

In response to the Audubon statement, President Bush issued a statement of his own later in the day: "It is time for the health-loving people of the world to ask: are you with us, or are you with the birds?"

Elsewhere, former Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers blasted current Supreme Court nominee Samuel A. Alito today, calling him "too experienced."

atomicbob

11-11-2005, 05:30 PM

ARNOLD WARNS CALIFORNIA: I'LL RETURN TO ACTING

Angry Schwarzenegger Makes Ultimate Threat to State's Voters

Two days after California voters rejected all four government overhaul measures that he had put on the ballot, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger came out swinging today, warning California that if it did not bend to his will he would return to acting "at once."

"I am prepared to resume my career as an actor at a moment's notice," a visibly angry Gov. Schwarzenegger told the people of California in a speech that was televised statewide. "Don't make me do that."

While some political foes of the governor dismissed his tough talk as a hollow threat, aides to Gov. Schwarzenegger said that the so-called "doomsday scenario" of returning to acting is the governor's most potent weapon.

"For other governors, a veto represents the ultimate threat," one aide to Governor Schwarzenegger said today. "For Arnold, it's acting."

In an attempt to underscore that threat, the governor cancelled his entire schedule on Thursday to spend the day reading scripts and talking with his agent.

He took the unusual step of making the statewide address Thursday night to let the people of California know that by defying him at the polls, they had set into motion a series of events that they as moviegoers would soon come to regret.

"For those of you who don't think I'm serious, let me say just five words," Gov. Schwarzenegger said. "'Jingle All The Way 2.'"

Elsewhere, reporter Judith Miller announced that she was resigning from The New York Times because "I have become the news," adding, "and the news does not belong in The New York Times."

atomicbob

11-15-2005, 05:49 PM

KIM JONG-IL'S APPROVAL RATING REMAINS AT 100%

North Korean Madman Gloating About Latest Poll Results

In a new poll released today, North Korean President Kim Jong-Il scored an approval rating of 100%, the same number he has garnered every year since seizing power in 1994.

The reclusive Kim, who rarely makes public appearances except to threaten the world with incineration, held a press conference in Pyongyang to gloat about the latest numbers and to announce that he would seek reelection for life.

At the press conference, a beaming Kim said that his high approval rating was proof that his program of reprocessing spent nuclear fuel rods instead of producing food was overwhelmingly popular with the people of North Korea, and that he would "stay the course."

According to the poll, Kim scored particularly well on issues of trust, with 100% agreeing with the statement, "Everything Kim Jong-Il says is true and everything everyone else says is a lie."

Additionally, 100% agreed with the statement, "I will promise to agree with all of these statements if you will agree to stop pointing that gun at my head."

At his press conference, Kim reserved a few jibes for the current resident of the White House, saying that he was willing to give President Bush ten of his approval points in exchange for a light water nuclear reactor.

At the White House, spokesman Scott McClellan was dismissive of Kim's offer, but added, "Make that twenty points and we'll talk."

Elsewhere, after he was accused by police of reckless driving, NASCAR driver Kurt Busch was suspended by his team and replaced by actress Lindsay Lohan.

atomicbob

11-17-2005, 10:25 PM

MARTHA BEGS TO RETURN TO PRISON

Desperate Bid to Boost Sagging Stock Price

Just days after Martha Stewart pronounced her ill-fated catchphrase, "You just don't fit in," for the last time on her just-cancelled spin-off of "The Apprentice," the domestic diva begged to return to prison today in a desperate attempt to boost the sagging stock price of her company, Martha Stewart Omnimedia, Inc.

Ms. Stewart appeared late Wednesday night at the gates of the federal women's prison in Alderson, West Virginia, demanding a return visit to the so-called "Camp Cupcake."

"I'm Martha Stewart - let me in, damn it!" the domestic diva roared, banging on the prison gates and wakening many of the prisoners who had been fast asleep.

Ms. Stewart's strategy of re-incarcerating herself to give her waning stock price a much-needed lift immediately drew praise on Wall Street, which had been concerned about the lackluster ratings of her "Apprentice" spin-off.

"Martha's stock went through the roof when she was doing time," said media industry analyst Lara Bluestein of Credit Suisse First Boston. "The stock market is sending the same message that the Nielsen ratings did: people like Martha better when she's behind bars."

But Ms. Stewart suffered a setback in her self-imprisonment bid Wednesday night, when a prison guard, Doreen Shustak, informed the domestic diva that she could not be readmitted to Alderson because she had neglected to commit a crime and be convicted in a court of law.

"You just don't fit in," Ms. Shustak said.

Elsewhere, President Bush raised eyebrows in Japan today when he told a Tokyo audience, "The threat currently posed by global terrorism is even greater than that posed by Godzilla."

atomicbob

11-19-2005, 02:25 PM

BUSH EXECUTES WHITE HOUSE TURKEY FOR ROLE IN CIA LEAK

Exonerates Libby, Rove, Cheney, Self

President George W. Bush cut short his trip to Asia today to rush back to Washington to execute the White House turkey for its role in the leaking of the identity of a CIA officer.

While the President usually pardons the turkey in a pre-Thanksgiving ceremony, Mr. Bush said that after launching an extensive investigation of his own he determined that the turkey and no one else was responsible for the leak.

By executing the turkey, Mr. Bush said he was fully exonerating former vice presidential chief of staff Lewis "Scooter" Libby, top aide Karl Rove, Vice President Dick Cheney, and possibly himself.

"A lot of people didn't think I would have the nerve to execute this turkey," Mr. Bush told reporters. "Well, when I was Governor of Texas, this kind of thing was just another day at the office."

Former New York Times reporter Judith Miller issued an official statement later in the day stating that she and the turkey "were not entangled in any way and certainly never dated."

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) blasted the execution of the White House turkey, calling the President's decision a "rush to judgment."

"The notion that the turkey acted alone in leaking the name of a CIA officer strains credulity," Sen. Reid said. "For one thing, turkeys don't talk."

President Bush later offered this retort to Sen. Reid's comment: "Dead ones sure don't."

Elsewhere, GQ named Jennifer Aniston "Woman of the Year" for her poise, grace and good humor during her breakup with Brad Pitt, and for agreeing to appear on its cover topless.

atomicbob

12-09-2005, 09:00 AM

WITH SADDAM A NO-SHOW, SADDAM LOOK-ALIKES GO ON TRIAL

Doppelgangers Will Return Credibility to Proceedings, Rumsfeld Says

With Saddam Hussein a no-show at his own trial, the U.S. today found an unorthodox solution to the impasse: the former dictator's look-alikes.

The look-alikes were fixtures during the regime of the brutal madman, who used them as decoys to frustrate would-be assassins, but since the fall of Saddam they have found employment opportunities few and far between.

"In Baghdad, nobody wants to go to Starbucks and be served by a barrista who looks like Saddam Hussein," said Saddam Hussein, 57, one of several look-alikes who have been called out of retirement to fill in for the evil defendant. "When my agent called and told me about this trial thing, I was stoked."

Another look-alike, Saddam Hussein, 43, said that the call to fill in for Saddam at the trial came just in the nick of time: "I swear, last week I was this close to shaving off my moustache."

At an acting studio in downtown Baghdad, the former Saddams have been rehearsing for the past few days, hoping to get their impersonations of the former dictator up to snuff.

"It's a lot of waving your fist and looking defiant," said Saddam Hussein, 61.

In Washington, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld hailed the decision to put Saddam's look-alikes on trial, telling reporters, "Now the Iraqi people can feel confident that Saddam Hussein, or someone who looks a lot like him, will be brought to justice."

Elsewhere, President Bush announced a new guest worker program under which illegal immigrants will be allowed to work as scapegoats throughout the 2006 election campaign.

atomicbob

12-09-2005, 09:01 AM

RUMSFELD: WAR IN IRAQ GOING WELL ON EARTH II

Reports Significant Process in Parallel Universe

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld today announced that despite the steady drumbeat of bad news about the war in Iraq, the war is actually going very well in the parallel universe known as Earth II.

Secretary Rumsfeld made his comments about Earth II in a press briefing at the Pentagon, where he blasted the press for "not reporting all of the good news coming out of Earth II."

With that, the defense secretary unfurled a map of Earth II, showing a terrain more familiar to science fiction fans and video game enthusiasts than to the general public.

According to the defense secretary, on Earth II Iraqi troops are being trained at a rate much faster than anticipated and the insurgency is "on the verge of crumbling."

Additionally, Iraqis have embraced democracy, causing freedom to flower in such neighboring countries as "Iran II, Egypt II and Saudi Arabia II."

Partially because of these gains, Mr. Rumsfeld said, President Bush's approval rating on Earth II currently stands at 89 percent.

Secretary Rumsfeld brushed aside a reporter's question about escalating violence in Iraq, saying that his new policy was to answer "no questions whatsoever" that involve Earth I.

"The press would be better served if they would get off the planet they're on and start living in a parallel universe, like all of us in this Administration do," Mr. Rumsfeld said.

Elsewhere, one day after actor Mel Gibson announced that he would produce a four-hour miniseries about the Holocaust, singer Courtney Love said that she would produce a four-hour miniseries about sobriety.

atomicbob

12-09-2005, 09:02 AM

CONDI PROMISES WORLD: NO SEQUELS TO 'DUKES OF HAZZARD'

Confronts Worries On European Trip

Speaking in Berlin today, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice reassured the European community that the United States has no plans to produce a sequel to last summer's Jessica Simpson vehicle, "The Dukes of Hazzard."

"There are no plans now, nor have there ever been plans, to make 'The Dukes of Hazzard 2,'" she told a gathering of European reporters. "That is not the policy of this administration, and it goes against everything the United States of America stands for."

"We don't do sequels," she bluntly added.

Europe, which is still reeling from the release of "Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed" last year, has been gripped with fear at the prospect of a "Dukes" sequel, concerns that Dr. Rice has been using her European trip to address.

Her job was made more difficult earlier this week when a reporter for the German magazine Der Spiegel discovered what he claimed was a screenplay for a "Dukes of Hazzard" sequel online, casting doubt on Dr. Rice's recent pronouncements.

"That screenplay was not in any way ordered by this government," Dr. Rice reassured her German audience. "Having said that, we can't always control what a few bad apples do."

Dr. Rice is scheduled to make several more stops on her tour, where she is expected to promise the Europeans that there will be no more spin-offs of the television series "Friends."

Elsewhere, after the former members of the bipartisan 9/11 commission gave the president a report card full of C's, D's and F's, Mr. Bush said, "I got these grades at Yale and I still graduated."

atomicbob

12-09-2005, 09:02 AM

GOVERNMENT TO ISSUE SMALL SHARP OBJECTS TO ALL AIRLINE PASSENGERS

Small Scissors, Screwdrivers To Be Mandatory On All Domestic Flights

In the latest change to airline security regulations, the Transportation Safety Administration announced today that it would begin issuing small sharp objects to all airline passengers on all domestic flights.

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said that an in-flight kit containing small scissors and tiny, sharp screwdrivers would be issued to all passengers at their departure gates and would be mandatory for boarding the aircraft.

Requiring all passengers to carry an identical set of small sharp objects will "greatly enhance airline security," Mr. Chertoff said.

"This way, if someone wants to bring some small sharp objects on board that are not in our official kit of small sharp objects, we'll know that something's up," he explained.

Some lawmakers in Washington have objected to the high price tag of the new program, which could cost the government as much as $14.5 billion a year in tiny scissors and screwdrivers.

In particular, some have questioned the no-bid contract that the government granted to the American Tiny Scissor and Screwdriver Corporation, a subsidiary of the Halliburton Company.

On Monday, the first full day that the new regulations went into effect, there were few reported instances of delays or disruptions to air travel, with the exception of an episode at San Antonio International Airport in which a 79-year-old woman refused to accept the government's kit of small sharp objects and was transported to Guantanamo for questioning.

Elsewhere, President Bush denied that there were secret CIA prisons, adding, "This administration does not keep anything about the CIA a secret."

atomicbob

12-09-2005, 11:37 AM

IN RUN-UP TO WAR, BUSH CONSIDERED BOMBING NPR

British PM Blair Talked Him Down, New Report Says

A new report published today indicates that President George W. Bush briefly contemplated bombing National Public Radio in the run-up to the Iraq war but was ultimately talked out of it by British Prime Minister Tony Blair.

According to the report, Mr. Blair had just convinced Mr. Bush not to bomb the Arabic-language television network al-Jazeera when the president suddenly shifted gears, turning his sights on the left-leaning NPR.

"Those clowns at NPR have been tearing me a new one, Tony," the president reportedly said. "Well, that's nothing a good old daisy cutter wouldn't fix."

Mr. Blair reportedly raised strong objections to Mr. Bush's plan to bomb NPR, after which the president said, "All right already - I'll just cut their funding instead."

According to a source quoted in the report, the president had drawn up an elaborate plan that involved bombing several prominent media outlets including The New York Times, The Washington Post, and The Charlie Rose Show.

"The only thing left standing was Fox News," the source is quoted as saying.

Mr. Bush was eventually talked out of bombing The Washington Post when a top aide reminded him, "If we take out the Post, we won't have any way to leak things to Bob Woodward."

As for bombing The New York Times, Mr. Bush ultimately backed down from his plan but suggested launching a smart bomb to take out the Op-Ed page.

Elsewhere, calling it a "rookie mistake," Rep. Jean Schmidt (R-Ohio) apologized today for taking to the floor of the House and stridently demanding that Hawaii be named a state.

atomicbob

12-15-2005, 12:32 AM

ANISTON, KONG TO WED

'Friends' Star, Giant Ape Are Hollywood's Latest Power Couple

It's official: Jennifer Aniston and King Kong are heading down the aisle.

Hollywood, which has been buzzing with rumors of a torrid romance between the former "Friends" star and the giant ape, got the news today from an official spokesperson representing Tinseltown's latest power couple.

"Jennifer and King Kong will be married this June," said Sherrie Lasky, the couple's publicist. "We hope the press and the public will respect their privacy."

While many in Hollywood consider the Aniston-Kong love-match an unlikely pairing, a friend of the couple said today that "Jennifer has never been more in love - Kong is really good for her."

The two stars came into each other's lives at the perfect time, the friend said, with Ms. Aniston nursing her wounds from her breakup with actor Brad Pitt and Mr. Kong nursing his wounds from being shot down from the top of the Empire State Building.

But according to Buddy Schlantz, a veteran talent agent and observer of the Hollywood scene, there could be less to the romance than meets the eye: "If Jennifer didn't have a new movie coming out right now that she wants to publicize, I seriously doubt that she's be engaged to that ape."

If the wedding proceeds as planned, however, Mr. Schlantz says that the couple may have difficulty obtaining the privacy they reportedly desire: "It's hard to dodge the paparazzi when the bridegroom is forty feet tall."

Elsewhere, scientists reported that mice who were injected with human brain cells stopped running on a wheel and sat down to watch the wheel instead.

atomicbob

12-15-2005, 12:34 AM

HILLARY SUPPORTS GIVING FLAGS RIGHT TO VOTE

Attempt to Position Herself as Centrist, Observers Say

Having already supported a constitutional amendment banning flag-burning, Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-New York) raised the ante today, proposing a new amendment that would give flags the right to vote.

At a press conference in Washington, Sen. Clinton proposed universal suffrage for the red, white and blue in what some observers called a canny maneuver to position herself as a centrist.

"It's been said that these colors don't run," Sen. Clinton told reporters. "In recognition of that, these colors should vote."

By proposing that flags be given the right to vote, Sen. Clinton may be securing her political future, since American flags are estimated to number in the billions and the lion's share of them would presumably vote for her out of gratitude.

Not to be outdone, President Bush held a press conference today to announce that he favored a constitutional amendment giving flags the right to bear arms.

"If someone tries to burn a flag, the flag should have the right to defend itself, and that means shoot to kill," Mr. Bush said.

Sen. Clinton also addressed the flag-burning issue later in the day, proposing universal health care for all flags who are burn victims.

She added that more government money was needed to give flags the housing, education, and job training they need in today's competitive world economy.

"It takes a village to raise a flag," she said.

Elsewhere, Albert Einstein did not devise the theory of relativity as originally thought but was the lead singer of the Miami Sound Machine, according to a new biography published online today by Wikipedia.

atomicbob

12-15-2005, 12:37 AM

WHITE HOUSE ACCIDENTALLY SCREENS 'BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN'

Cheney, Rove Injured in Stampede for Exit

In what the official White House spokesman today called "a regrettable mistake," the White House had a private screening last night of the critically acclaimed gay western, "Brokeback Mountain."

One day after the ill-fated screening, spokesman Scott McClellan said that the White House had launched a "full investigation" to find out how "Brokeback," which features actors Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal as gay ranch hands, found its way into the White House screening room.

According to one source, however, the decision to screen the film was made by the president himself, who thought that the two ranch hands would be mainly occupied with clearing brush, as he himself is fond of doing at his ranch in Crawford, Texas.

Additionally, the source said, the film was directed by Ang Lee, who directed one of President Bush's all-time favorite films, "The Hulk."

Eyewitnesses at the screening said that seconds into the film's first explicit man-on-man love scene, shrieks of alarm rose up from the audience and there was a frantic stampede for the exit.

In the ensuing chaos, vice president Dick Cheney reportedly trampled top advisor Karl Rove, with both men reportedly receiving medical attention for injuries sustained in the fracas.

Mr. McClellan said that the White House would take "better care" to make sure that films with gay content do not find their way into the screening room, adding, "We feel more optimistic about tonight's double feature, 'Capote' and 'Rent.'"

Elsewhere, a new report shows that U.S. students' test scores declined 50% in the last month, largely due to the introduction of the Xbox 360.

atomicbob

12-15-2005, 07:03 PM

WAR COST TOPS ONE ZILLION

Pentagon Renames Iraq Conflict 'Operation Infinite Expense'

Just hours after the Pentagon estimated the cost of the war in Iraq at half a trillion dollars, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld revised that figure slightly upward, restating the cost of the war as one zillion dollars.

"In turns out that the half trillion figure left out some important budget items, and one zillion is actually a lot closer to the mark," Secretary Rumsfeld told reporters. "My bad."

To reflect the new, higher cost of the war, the Pentagon today officially renamed the conflict "Operation Infinite Expense."

When asked to explain the upward revision, the defense secretary said that the half-trillion figure was based on projections of the war in Iraq lasting five to ten years, while the zillion dollar figure reflects the most up-to-date estimate of the war's duration, which he characterized as "forever and ever."

"Based on what we're seeing on the ground in Iraq, the war will probably last longer than Vietnam but not quite as long as Cher's Farewell Tour."

Secretary Rumsfeld defended the new price tag for the war in Iraq, explaining, "When you keep in mind that this war is never going to end, and it will be around for our children and our children's children, a zillion dollars is a bargain by any yardstick."

At the White House, President Bush acknowledged that the zillion-dollar price tag was higher than he had originally anticipated, but added, "Freedom isn't free - in fact, it costs one zillion dollars."

Elsewhere, Target said that it would ban Santa Claus outside their stores but that it would continue to have many other obese people inside.

FiLTHY_SNiPER

12-17-2005, 01:33 AM

Haha Bob ur full of this stuff aren't ya.

atomicbob

12-17-2005, 01:49 AM

Haha...It ain't mine dude, I just report it.

:yaya:

Sarcasmo

12-18-2005, 05:09 PM

Google says you Borrow-itzit :yaya:

atomicbob

12-19-2005, 12:03 PM

BUSH TO WORLD: MY BAD

Vows Never to Make Decision Based On Intelligence Again

Days after admitting that his decision to go to war in Iraq was based on faulty intelligence, President George W. Bush issued a two-word statement to the world: "My bad."

Appearing in front of a giant blue-and-gold placard with the words "My Bad" emblazoned on it, the president lashed out at the faulty intelligence that led to his decision to go to war two years ago.

"Faulty intelligence got us into this mess," Mr. Bush said. "But I have learned my lesson, and I will never make another decision based on intelligence again."

According to one White House aide, the president hopes that his "My bad" statement will be the defining moment of his presidency: "Ronald Reagan will always be remembered for saying, 'Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall,' and President Bush wants to be remembered for 'My bad.'"

In the House of Commons in London, British Prime Minister Tony Blair echoed Mr. Bush's words, giving a one-word speech in which the phrase "My bad" was loosely translated as "Sorry."

In Iraq, today marked the first day of a new military mission the Defense Department is calling "Operation Massive Apology," as U.S. planes dropped thousands of leaflets with the words "My bad" translated into Arabic.

The Defense Department pronounced the operation a success, except for one incident in Baghdad, where a two-ton bundle of leaflets failed to separate in midair and crushed a parked Subaru.

Elsewhere, an archeologist in Guatemala discovered a 2,000-year-old Mayan mural featuring what is believed to be the earliest depiction of Mick Jagger.

atomicbob

12-22-2005, 07:51 PM

ANGRY SANTA DECLARES WAR ON ARBOR DAY

Seeks Revenge For War on Christmas, Experts Believe

In what was widely interpreted as an attempt to seek revenge for the so-called "War on Christmas," an angry Santa Claus appeared in a chilling three-minute videotape today in which he called for an all-out war on Arbor Day.

The tape, which was released to all of the major news networks, shows a bearded Claus in front of a plain, snowy background, fixing the camera with his steely glare.

"To those of you who would replace 'Merry Christmas,' with 'Happy Holidays,' let me say this," he said. "Arbor Day is going down!"

In the three-minute rant, the angry fictitious character called Arbor Day "part of a stealth war on Christmas," explaining, "Arbor Day is all about trees, and as you and I know, in order for Christmas to happen, many, many trees must die."

According to Dr. Davis Logsdon, a leading Santa Claus expert at the University of Minnesota, the world ignores Santa Claus' threats at its own peril.

"Does Santa possess the ability to destroy the world's trees?" he asked. "All he has to do is fly that sleigh a little lower and he can take down a forest."

At a press conference today, CIA director Porter Goss characterized Santa Claus' threat as "credible."

"We have been hearing increased levels of chatter from Santa's elves," Mr. Goss said. "Our policy of wire-tapping every short person in the world is starting to pay off."

Elsewhere, after surveying earthquake damage in Pakistan, Vice President Dick Cheney told reporters, "This country is badly in need of reconstruction - and I know just the company to do it."

atomicbob

12-28-2005, 02:45 PM

SADDAM CALLS HIS TORTURERS 'RANK AMATEURS'

Fears For the Future of Torture in Post-Saddam Iraq

Former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein launched into yet another outburst at his trial today, calling the beatings and torture he had suffered at the hands of his American captors "the work of rank amateurs."

"For days on end, they attempted to torture, torment, and otherwise abuse me," an indignant Saddam told the court. "And I was like, dude, is that all you got?"

Having witnessed what he called "the Americans' half-baked, slipshod attempts at torture," the deposed Iraqi president said he feared for the future of torture in post-Saddam Iraq.

"Toppling my government, that was the easy part," Saddam told the court. "But as for maintaining the high standards of torture that the Iraqi people grew accustomed to under my regime? Clearly, there was no plan or strategy for doing that."

Saddam predicted that as soon as the Iraqi people learned how inept and ill-prepared the Americans were at torture, they would "drive the infidels from our land."

"Iraqis are a proud people," he said. "They are used to having torture that is the envy of the Middle East."

Speaking to reporters at the White House, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was dismissive of the former dictator's critique of the United States' torture techniques, calling Saddam's outburst "a cheap shot."

"We don't do torture," Secretary Rumsfeld said. "Having said that, when we do torture, we do it in a way that is second to none."

Elsewhere, in a sign that he plans to continue his policy of domestic eavesdropping, President Bush said today that he had ordered the CIA to start aggressively recruiting mothers-in-law.

atomicbob

01-03-2006, 11:36 PM

CIA TO MONITOR NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

Hopes to Decipher Threats in Yearly Promises

In what some are calling a troubling expansion of the controversial practice of domestic spying, the Central Intelligence Agency announced today that it would begin monitoring the New Year's resolutions of ordinary American citizens.

CIA director Porter Goss said that a high-tech central monitoring station had already been established at the agency's headquarters in Langley, Virginia to eavesdrop on what he expects to be between two to three hundred million New Year's resolutions in the days ahead.

Mr. Goss defended the agency's decision to listen in on Americans' personal vows for the New Year as "an important new tactic in the war on terror."

"Many Americans believe that their New Year's resolutions are their own business," Mr. Goss said. "But like many things Americans believe, they are wrong."

"There is a fine line between a resolution, a promise, and a threat," he added.

The CIA director said that if Americans make innocent resolutions, like cutting back on cigarettes or alcohol, they have nothing to fear, but if their resolutions are more sinister than that, the agency "has the right to know."

"If your New Year's resolution is something along the lines of, 'I promise to spend less time watching TV and more time on jihad,' that's a piece of information that could be very helpful to us," he said.

At the White House, President Bush told reporters that he intended to lose 220 pounds in 2006, a remark that was widely interpreted as referring to top advisor Karl Rove.

Elsewhere, the medical community reacted with skepticism to the news that a dog had successfully cloned a South Korean scientist.

atomicbob

01-05-2006, 08:44 PM

PARIS HILTON RESOLVES TO BE EVEN SLUTTIER IN '06

Hotel Heiress Setting Bar Impossibly High, Experts Say

Paris Hilton has resolved to be even sluttier in 2006, associates of the hotel heiress said today, confirming reports that Ms. Hilton felt that she had been "insufficiently slutty" in the year just past.

According to a member of Ms. Hilton's inner circle, the "Simple Life" star held a closed-door meeting with her staff on Wednesday and demanded that everyone "work their tails off" to make 2006 her sluttiest year ever.

"Paris made it very clear that she was not happy with her level of sluttiness last year," the associate said. "We were all kind of shocked, because everyone in the room thought that she had been an enormous ho in 2005."

But not Ms. Hilton, who apparently told her team that they "weren't getting it done" and that heads would roll if she did not emerge as the skankiest celebrity of 2006.

"She specifically said that she was setting her sights on Tara Reid," the associate said. "She feels that she's way more ho-ish than Tara but that Team Hilton just isn't getting the word out."

According to Buddy Schlantz, a veteran talent agent and observer of the Hollywood scene, Ms. Hilton's goals for 2006, while noble, may be a case of setting the bar impossibly high.

"It's great that she wants to push herself to be the sluttiest she can be," Mr.Schlantz said. "But trying to out-ho Tara Reid could wind up landing Paris in the hospital for exhaustion."

Elsewhere, exposure to alcohol advertising may be a contributing factor to underage drinking, according to a new study published today in "Duh" magazine.

atomicbob

01-05-2006, 08:46 PM

FORMER FEMA CHIEF VOWS TO MAKE NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS BY MARCH 1

Michael Brown Apologizes For Delay

Former Federal Emergency Management Agency director Michael Brown said today that he had not yet made his New Year's resolutions for 2006 but vowed to have them done by March 1 "at the very latest."

Mr. Brown apologized for the delay at a Washington press conference that was originally called for ten o'clock this morning but was not actually held until four in the afternoon.

The former FEMA chief, visibly embarrassed by not having made his New Year's resolutions in a timely fashion, said that he had been "caught unawares" by the change in years.

"I turned on the TV and saw that ball dropping, and I was like, holy cow, I better get on this," Mr. Brown said.

Despite his delay in making his resolutions, Mr. Brown said he expects 2006 to be a big year for him and his new disaster preparedness consulting firm, adding, "By the end of 2006, the name Michael Brown will be synonymous with disaster."

At the White House, President Bush briefly commented on Mr. Brown's delay in making his New Year's resolutions, telling reporters, "I'm sure that whenever Brownie eventually makes them he'll do a heckuva job."

For his part, Mr. Brown gave reporters a sneak peek at his list of resolutions, saying that number one on the list would be "Get things done sooner" and that number two was "Remember to buy more Post-its."

Elsewhere, legal experts called the trial of former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein "the trial of the century," explaining that it would take at least that long to complete.

atomicbob

01-11-2006, 07:23 PM

PAT ROBERTSON: SATAN CAUSED CHENEY'S SHORTNESS OF BREATH

Devil Laid Veep Low, Evangelist Says

One week after claiming that God had caused Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's massive stroke, the Reverend Pat Robertson today said that Satan had given Vice President Dick Cheney the shortness of breath that resulted in his brief hospitalization on Monday.

"Vice President Cheney is dedicated to defeating the evildoers in Iraq, and that angered the evilest doer of all, Satan," Rev. Robertson said on today's edition of his religious talk show, "The 700 Club."

Rev. Robertson pointed out, however, that four hours after Satan sent Mr. Cheney to the hospital, the vice president was released because "God made him better."

He also extended his best wishes for a fast recovery to California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, who was involved over the weekend in what the evangelist called "a motorcycle accident that I'm pretty sure was caused by Satan."

According to Re. Robertson, after he heard that Gov. Schwarzenegger's motorcycle had crashed with a car, "My first thought was that the car had been driven either by Satan or maybe by President Hugo Chavez of Venezuela."

Mr. Schwarzenegger suffered only minor injuries, Rev. Robertson said, proving that "try as he might, Satan is no match for a Republican."

A spokesman for Gov. Schwarzenegger offered no comment on Rev. Robertson's comments, but said that the fifteen stitches the governor had received on his lip had made him "even more difficult to understand than before."

Elsewhere, experts said that weeks before the avian flu reaches the United States, counterfeit knockoffs of the avian flu would be available across China.

atomicbob

01-12-2006, 07:29 PM

BRAD AND ANGELINA'S BABY NAMED SEXIEST FETUS ALIVE

Early Ultrasound Reveals Uber-hot Tot

Hours after actors Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie announced that Ms. Jolie was pregnant with the couple's first child, People Magazine took the unprecedented step of naming the Pitt-Jolie offspring "Sexiest Fetus Alive."

The celebrity fetus will grace the cover of next week's issue of People, expected to be one of its biggest sellers ever.

According to People spokesperson Marla Divicentis, the magazine's editors took the unusual step of putting a fetus on the cover after sneaking an early peek at Ms. Jolie's ultrasound and pronouncing the unborn child "uber-hot."

"We took one look at that ultrasound and decided that, quite simply, we had never seen a sexier fetus," Ms. Divicentis said. "It is way hotter than Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' fetus."

"It certainly is a lot taller," she added.

Being named People's first ever "Sexiest Fetus Alive" could prove a boon of publicity for Mr. Pitt and Ms. Jolie's unborn progeny, especially if the mass of cells eventually decides to pursue an acting career.

But according to Buddy Schlantz, a veteran talent agent and observer of the Hollywood scene, the "Sexiest Fetus Alive" plaudit could turn out to be less a blessing than a curse.

"Getting this kind of publicity while still in utero could mean that this baby will never be taken seriously," Mr. Schlantz. "That could hurt, especially if what the fetus really wants to do is direct."

Elsewhere, one day after published reports alleged that author James Frey had fabricated sections of his bestselling memoir, A Million Little Pieces, Mr. Frey was named chief spokesman for the U.S. Defense Department.

atomicbob

01-17-2006, 06:07 PM

BUSH CALLS 'OPERATION ALIENATE PAKISTAN' A SUCCESS

Airstrike Succeeded in Pissing Off Nation of 162,000,000, President Says

President George W. Bush said today that the U.S. airstrike in Pakistan over the weekend was part of a successful military mission called Operation Alienate Pakistan.

While the Pentagon initially had claimed that the reason for the strike was to eliminate al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri, Mr. Bush revealed that the actual objective was to alienate 162,000,000 Pakistanis.

"Four years ago, I asked Pakistan if they were with us or against us," Mr. Bush told reporters. "Hopefully, Operation Alienate Pakistan has cleared that up."

But even as the president basked in the success of Operation Alienate Pakistan, some hawks in Congress wondered whether one airstrike was sufficient to incur the wrath of 162,000,000 Pakistanis.

Rep. Jean "Mean Jean" Schmidt (R-OH) took to the floor of the House of Representatives today to demand that the U.S. send additional warplanes to Pakistan to "finish the job" of angering the nation of Pakistan.

"One little airstrike is not enough to piss off a country that size," Rep. Schmidt insisted. "We should hit them again next weekend and get the job done."

For his part, President Bush seemed satisfied that the U.S. had successfully turned Pakistan into a bitter enemy and said that he was now mulling which country to alienate next.

"Over the next three years, I hope to alienate every nation on the globe," Mr. Bush said. "That's why I put John Bolton at the U.N."

Elsewhere, the Reverend Pat Robertson said that God ended the New England Patriots' Superbowl hopes to punish Massachusetts for legalizing gay marriage.

[W33T] JimmytehHand8

01-17-2006, 06:22 PM

Nice stuff AB. :thumbsup:

atomicbob

01-17-2006, 07:54 PM

It ain't mine, but it's funnier than sheeit.

I have to give it up.

:thumbsup:

Leadfoot

01-18-2006, 09:09 AM

Where do you get this stuff anyways...

atomicbob

01-19-2006, 05:12 PM

SANTORUM BACKS BAN ON GAY WESTERNS

Golden Globes Win for 'Brokeback Mountain' Irks Pennsylvania Senator

Three days after the critically acclaimed film "Brokeback Mountain" won Golden Globe awards in four major categories, Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Penn) called for a constitutional amendment banning gay westerns.

"We cannot sit idly by and watch 'Brokeback Mountain' sashay into the mainstream of American culture," Mr. Santorum said on the Senate floor today. "If allowed to flourish, gay westerns will destroy the sanctity of traditional westerns."

He added that if the film continued to gain acceptance in the heartland, several western states might soon legalize marriage between gay cowboys.

The Pennsylvania senator explained that his proposal of a constitutional amendment banning gay westerns was not a rash decision on his part: "I only reached this decision after watching 'Brokeback Mountain' ten, maybe twelve times."

Mr. Santorum added that it was "unconscionable" that the producers of the film had cast an actor as "hot and sexy" as Heath Ledger as one of the gay cowboys, since "he only makes the gay cowboy lifestyle seem more enticing."

In a sign that Mr. Santorum may have more constitutional amendments to propose, he said that he was also "very concerned" that Hollywood might someday produce a remake of the film "Benji" featuring "man on dog sex."

"I am going to be extra vigilant on this issue," Mr. Santorum said. "If there is a remake of 'Benji' featuring man on dog sex, I will be waiting in line for a ticket on the very first day."

Elsewhere, the Supreme Court voiced support for assisted suicide, and model Kate Moss voiced support for career suicide.

atomicbob

01-19-2006, 05:44 PM

DELAY PROPOSES SENDING ABRAMOFF TO PLUTO

Would Become First Disgraced Lobbyist in Space

As NASA's New Horizons spacecraft waited on a launch pad at Cape Canaveral to embark on a nine-and-a-half year mission to Pluto, Rep. Tom DeLay (R-Texas) took to the floor of the House of Representative to propose sending former lobbyist Jack Abramoff on the first manned mission to that mysterious planet.

Rep. DeLay's dramatic proposal surprised many in Congress, since the Texas lawmaker had never seemed so impassioned about the nation's space program in the past.

But in a forty-five minute speech to the House, Rep DeLay made an emotional plea for $42.7 billion in funding that would make Jack Abramoff the first disgraced lobbyist in space.

"If I could choose any American to put in a rocket ship and send into space for nine and a half years, that American would be Jack Abramoff," Rep. DeLay told his colleagues.

The Texas congressman's surprising proposal immediately drew widespread support in Congress, particularly among congressmen implicated in the ongoing lobbying corruption probe.

Rep. Bob Ney (R-OH), who stepped down as Chairman of the House Administration Committee on Monday, said that he was seriously considering rescinding that decision, telling reporters, "If we wind up sending Abramoff to Pluto, that changes everything."

But House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) took to the floor to oppose the plan, saying, "Taxpayers should not foot the bill to give Jack Abramaoff a roundtrip ticket to Pluto."

Rep. DeLay, however, offered this response: "Who said it was a roundtrip ticket?"

Elsewhere, President George W. Bush said that he meant to invade Iran all along, blaming the error on SpellCheck.

atomicbob

01-23-2006, 05:18 PM

OSAMA ANNOUNCES BOOK CLUB

Madman on Collision Course with Oprah

After a brief mention in his terror tape last week turned a little-known book into an instant best-seller, al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden today announced that he was officially launching "Osama's Book Club."

Mr. bin Laden's glancing reference to "Rogue State: A Guide to the World's Only Superpower" immediately sent the book soaring to the top of the best-seller lists, inspiring the world's most wanted evildoer to form his new club.

Hours after he announced "Osama's Book Club," hopeful authors and publishers deluged Mr. bin Laden's cave with books, hoping to get a blurb or a mention in his next terror tape.

In a new tape released today, Mr. bin Laden revealed his club's first selections, including several anti-Bush books by filmmaker Michael Moore.

Other choices, however, were more unexpected, such as "Memoirs of a Geisha," which the terror mastermind called "a sensual feast."

In addition to his book club, Mr. bin Laden announced plan to launch a new magazine called "O," which he described as "a magazine for the jihadist lifestyle."

But Mr. bin Laden's newest ventures may have put him on a collision course with talk show legend Oprah Winfrey, who said today that she was contemplating filing trademark infringement suits against the al Qaeda madman.

"I've studied the bin Laden tape several times and it appears to be authentic," Ms. Winfrey told reporters. "But then again, I thought James Frey was authentic, too."

Elsewhere, in NBA action, the New York Knicks lost to the New Orleans Hornets, but trounced several fans at Madison Square Garden.

atomicbob

01-25-2006, 11:46 PM

NAKED PHOTOS OF BUSH AND ABRAMOFF ROCK WHITE HOUSE

But President Still Denies Knowing Lobbyist

President George W. Bush found himself embroiled in controversy today with the publication of five photos showing him and disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff totally naked.

The photos, published yesterday in Payboy, a magazine devoted to naked pictures of disgraced lobbyists, appeared to fly in the face of the President's claims that he had never met Mr. Abramoff.

The five photos, which appear to have been taken on five different occasions, show the two naked men smiling and shaking hands.

"The fact that they are smiling and shaking hands proves that they know each other," said Davis Logsdon, the magazine's photo editor.

At the White House, the president's top advisors were working overtime to limit the political havoc that the nude photos of the president and Mr. Abramoff could wreak.

At a press briefing this morning, White House spokesperson Scott McClellan spoke dismissively of the controversy, calling the brouhaha over the naked photos "a tempest in a teapot."

"These naked pictures of the president and Jack Abramoff are nothing out of the ordinary," Mr. McClellan says. "In the course of his daily schedule, the President poses nude with dozens of dignitaries."

Mr. McClellan said that the American people "would have no problem believing" that Mr. Bush posed naked with Mr. Abramoff on five different occasions without actually knowing who he was.

"Our polls show that the American people think that most of the time the President is in the Oval Office he does not know what he is doing," he said.

Elsewhere, Ford Motor Co. announced that it was cutting 30,000 jobs, including Job One.

atomicbob

01-25-2006, 11:48 PM

SADDAM DANCES ON TOP OF LIMO TO THE DELIGHT OF FANS

Deposed Dictator Hoping to Create Media Circus, Insiders Say

Arriving at the courthouse in Baghdad for his trial today, former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein climbed on top of his limo and performed a brief dance routine to the delight of fans and well-wishers.

The deposed strongman has been disruptive during the proceedings thus far, but today's performance suggests that he is hoping to turn his trial into a full-fledged media circus.

Arriving forty-five minutes late, Mr. Hussein emerged from his limo wearing a white suit, with a member of his entourage holding an umbrella to shield the former dictator from the sun.

As his fans cheered, Mr. Hussein mounted his limo and performed a dance which one onlooker described as "a modified Moonwalk."

In the courtroom, Judge Rauf Rasheed Abdul Rahman demanded to know why the deposed dictator was forty-five minutes late, to which Mr. Hussein responded: "I'm Bad!" before launching into an energetic rendition of the 80's pop hit.

According to Mr. Hussein's media advisor, Muhammad Adnan Rasul, the former dictator has been frustrated that his trial has not received the media attention that other celebrity trials have grabbed, particularly on E! Entertainment Television, and today's antics were an attempt to correct that.

"Saddam would like to come out of this trial with a movie or a sitcom," Mr. Rasul said. "At the very least, he'd like to wind up on 'The Surreal Life 6.'"

Elsewhere, after reports surfaced that there are five photographs showing President Bush meeting disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff, whom the President has denied knowing, Mr. Bush said, "Oh, THAT Jack Abramoff."

That's good sheeit.

:hehehe:

atomicbob

01-26-2006, 05:11 PM

JENNIFER ANISTON ACQUIRES NUCLEAR WEAPON

Ballistic Missile Could Reach Malibu, Experts Fear

Actress Jennifer Aniston stunned the international community today by confirming reports that she had acquired a medium-range nuclear weapon capable of reaching Malibu, California.

While Ms. Aniston's personal life has been the subject of intense scrutiny by the celebrity magazines and tabloids in recent months, the news that she had somehow acquired a weapon of mass destruction appeared to have caught the media totally unawares.

Nuclear proliferation experts were doubly concerned that Ms. Aniston's weapon could reach Malibu, the location of her ex-husband Brad Pitt's home which he shares with actress Angelina Jolie.

In Washington, Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass) led a chorus of Democratic lawmakers who called Ms. Aniston's acquisition of a nuclear weapon "a direct result of this Administration's failed policy in Iraq."

"While the White House has been bogged down in Iraq, others have been quietly acquiring weapons of mass destruction," Sen. Kerry said. "North Korea, Iran, and now, Jennifer Aniston."

At the White House, President Bush said that he was "deeply troubled" that Ms. Aniston had somehow acquired a nuclear weapon, but privately, White House staffers remained hopeful that she would not use it.

"Maybe if Vince Vaughn proposes to her, the whole thing goes away," said one aide.

Another aide said that there was a silver lining in the Aniston news: "If a Hollywood star was going to acquire a nuclear weapon, we should all be grateful that it wasn't Russell Crowe."

Elsewhere, in a sign that the United States is abiding by international laws against torture, the WB and UPN television networks were both shut down.

atomicbob

02-01-2006, 11:22 AM

GREENSPAN SENDS MIXED SIGNALS IN FIRST DAY AT HOME

Former Fed Chief's Inscrutable Statements Baffle Wife

In his first day at home since stepping down from his post as Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Alan Greenspan made a series of cryptic, inscrutable pronouncements that left his wife, NBC's Andrea Mitchell, totally baffled.

The former Fed chief was renowned for his confusing, often incomprehensible statements about the markets and the economy while testifying to Congress, but according to Ms. Mitchell, those remarks were "a piece of cake" to understand compared to the mixed messages he has been sending at home.

The trouble began at the breakfast table, Ms. Mitchell said, when she asked the former Fed chief what he wanted to eat, a question which led to a serpentine 45-minute response.

"To order ham and eggs at this time is tempting, but may not be warranted given my desire to keep my cholesterol below a reasonable ceiling," Mr. Greenspan reportedly said.

Later in the day, Mr. Greenspan reviewed several of the family's credit card statements and warned Ms. Mitchell against "irrational exuberance," adding that she was "spending at a rate that is not sustainable given my projected retirement income going forward."

According to Ms. Mitchell, Mr. Greenspan spent the rest of the day holding the TV remote control, moving the remote up five channels and then down five channels for no apparent reason.

"I kind of feel sorry for him," Ms. Mitchell said. "I think he really misses moving interest rates."

Elsewhere, in his State of the Union address Tuesday night, President Bush listed a series of accomplishments of his administration, including that the United States is warmer than it has ever been.

atomicbob

02-02-2006, 10:28 AM

BUSH: 'I AM AN OILAHOLIC'

President Admits Petroleum Addiction, Enters Rehab

One day after claiming that "America is addicted to oil" in his State of the Union address, President Bush stunned the nation by confessing that he was personally battling a petroleum addiction and was entering rehab immediately.

In a nationally televised address from the Oval Office last night, a visibly agitated President Bush began his speech with the following simple statement: "My name is George W. Bush, and I am an oilaholic."

The president, seeming to choke back tears, said that he had thought he was keeping his petroleum habit "under control," but added, "When you start invading other countries to get more oil, you know you've hit bottom."

Mr. Bush's decision to enter rehab for his petroleum addiction drew applause from many quarters, including from James Frey, author of the bestselling memoir "A Million Little Pieces."

"He has a rough road ahead of him in rehab," Mr. Frey said. "I hope that none of the things happen to him that I pretended happened to me."

In Iran, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that he hoped the United States would wean itself from its dependence on Middle Eastern oil and would gradually become dependent on Middle Eastern nuclear energy instead.

"Iran stands ready and willing to supply the United States with all of the nuclear energy it wants," President Ahmadinehad said. "We have so much of this stuff we don't know what to do with it all."

Elsewhere, in a positive development, the nation of Afghanistan announced that its entire opium harvest had been wiped out by British rock star Pete Doherty.

atomicbob

02-03-2006, 07:17 PM

CHENEY'S BRIEF APPEARANCE, RETURN TO SECURE LOCATION MAY MEAN SIX MORE WEEKS OF WINTER

White House Downplays Veep's Influence Over Seasons

Vice President Dick Cheney emerged from his secure, undisclosed location to make television appearances following the president's State of the Union Address, but then immediately returned to his hiding place -- indicating that America may be in for six more weeks of winter, according to experts.

While appearing with NBC's Tim Russert, observers say, the Vice President seemed distracted, looking over his shoulder repeatedly as if trying to see his own shadow.

A review of the broadcast indicates that Vice President Cheney, in fact, appeared to locate his shadow towards the end of his appearance.

He then abruptly concluded the interview, cancelled an appearance with CNN's Wolf Blitzer and returned to his secure, undisclosed location, which is believed to be underground.

Experts were divided as to impact of Mr. Cheney's brief appearance and sudden disappearance upon the duration of the current winter season.

"You can read anything you want into Cheney seeing his own shadow and going back underground," said Dr. Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota. "Yes, it may mean six more weeks of winter, but it may just mean that he's trying to stay as far away from this Abramoff mess as possible."

At the White House, spokesman Scott McClellan attempted to downplay the increasingly widespread impression that Vice-President Cheney can influence the seasons.

"Vice President Cheney is a respected voice within this Administration, but he does not make the climate warmer," Mr. McClellan told reporters. "Only President Bush can do that."

Elsewhere, in order to increase revenue for "Brokeback Mountain," the producers announced that they would release a special heterosexual version on DVD.

atomicbob

02-06-2006, 05:04 PM

BUSH CALLS SUPER BOWL A VICTORY IN WAR ON TERROR

Claims Link Between Seattle QB and al-Qaeda

Moments after the Pittsburgh Steelers sealed their 21-10 victory over the Seattle Seahawks in Super Bowl XL, President George W. Bush appeared on national television to call the Steelers' win "a great victory in the war on terror."

Mr. Bush said that the victory was a serious blow to Islamic terrorism because there was "credible intelligence" linking the Seahawks' quarterback to al-Qaeda.

The President said that a series of warrantless wiretaps conducted by the National Security Agency had revealed "troubling information" about Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck.

Additionally, during the game itself the NSA intercepted several radio communications between the Seahawks' offensive coordinator and Hasselbeck's helmet.

"We were able to identify Matt Hasselbeck as the number three man in al-Qaeda," Mr. Bush said. "And now he has been destroyed."

Reached in the Seahawks locker room after the game, Mr. Hasselback commented, "Well, I'm a little down, yeah, but I wouldn't say I was destroyed."

In Washington, Sen. Joseph Biden (D-Del) expressed skepticism about Mr. Bush's claim that the Steelers' Super Bowl win represented a major victory in the war on terror.

"I know the President is looking high and low for a shred of good news these days, but even for him this seems like kind of a reach," Mr. Biden said.

Asked to react to Mr. Biden's comments, Mr. Bush said he was "not surprised," adding, "That's just the kind of thing I'd expect to hear from the number five man in al-Qaeda."

Elsewhere, scientists discovered a crevice one mile deep in the face of Mick Jagger.

atomicbob

02-08-2006, 10:48 PM

WITH SWEEPS UNDERWAY, NETWORKS ASK RUNAWAY BRIDE TO RUN AWAY AGAIN

Ratings-hungry News Nets Make $1 Million Offer to Wilbanks

With the all-news networks locked in the high-stakes ratings competition known as February sweeps, representatives from the cable outlets have approached "Runaway Bride" Jennifer Wilbanks to induce her to run away yet again, a representative for Ms. Wilbanks confirmed today.

According to sources familiar with the negotiations, a bidding war over Ms. Wilbanks erupted over the weekend, with the cable news operations offering as much as $1 million dollars to convince Ms. Wilbanks to reprise her vanishing act.

"We need Jennifer to run away, and we need her to do it very badly," said one network source who spoke on condition of anonymity. "It's February sweeps, and there's no Michael Jackson trial, no avian flu pandemic, and no shark attacks.

All we have is Atomicbob teamkilling, and that will not be enough."

The source said that in addition to the $1 million offer, his network was applying "big-time pressure" on the erstwhile Runaway Bride: "We are basically telling her, we made you the Runaway Bride, and you owe us."

In a press conference this morning, an agent representing Ms. Wilbanks said that so far his client had turned down all such offers: "Jennifer doesn't want to be known just for the runaway bride thing, and so she is currently running away from that."

Ms. Wilbanks' decision to change her image may have been influenced in part by the lackluster sales of her celebrity fragrance, Cold Feet by Jennifer Wilbanks.

Elsewhere, author James Frey announced today that he would release a new version of his bestselling memoir with all of the fabricated parts removed under the title "Four Little Pieces."

atomicbob

02-10-2006, 04:49 PM

ATHLETE WITHOUT COMPELLING PERSONAL DRAMA EXPELLED FROM OLYMPICS

Skier Concealed Adversity-Free Past From Officials, NBC

A member of the U.S. Olympic ski team was disqualified from competition today when it was learned that he did not have a sufficiently compelling human storyline to exploit on the NBC telecast of the worldwide sporting event.

Tom Klujian, the expelled skier, was not raised by a single mother, never had a career-threatening injury, and did not overcome a personal tragedy of any kind before making the Olympic ski team, U.S. Olympic officials revealed today.

"Had Tom been involved in an organ donation, as either a donor or a recipient, that would have been acceptable to us," ski team spokesman Sandy Harnofsky told reporters. "However, he was not."

According to sources close to the ski team, Mr. Klujian had concealed the fact that he comes from an intact middle class family who never lost their home to a flood, tornado, or typhoon.

But what may have sealed Mr.Klujian's doom, sources said, was his utter lack of a gravely ill family member to win a medal for.

"Tom did his best to hide his background from team officials," one source said. "But when the truth came out, he was finished."

Speaking to reporters in Salt Lake City, NBC Sports Chairman Dick Ebersol was even less charitable, terming Mr.Klujian's actions "a reprehensible betrayal."

"We do our best to check out all of the athletes to make sure that their backgrounds are full of compelling human drama, but we can't catch everything," Mr. Ebersol said. "This is a case of one really bad guy exploiting the system."

Elsewhere, scientists discovered the earliest known ancestor of Tyrannosaurus Rex at the halftime show of Super Bowl XL.

atomicbob

02-10-2006, 04:56 PM

U.S. OFFERS TO RELOCATE INSURGENTS TO IRAN

'Keep Doing What You're Doing' Next Door, Rumsfeld Says

In what Pentagon planners are characterizing as their boldest tactic to date, the United States today offered to relocate Iraqi insurgents to Iran and urged them to continue their insurgent activities next door.

With U.S. troops stretched thin in Iraq, the idea of encouraging Iraqi insurgents to travel across the border and topple the government of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was a cost-efficient solution to a nettlesome problem, Pentagon sources said.

In Washington, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld made the formal appeal to the insurgents, telling them, "Keep doing exactly what you're doing, just do it next door."

Calling them "world-class insurgents," Rumsfeld said, "Go across the border and keep on insurging the way only you know how to insurge."

Answering reporters' questions, Secretary Rumsfeld said that the insurgents were being offered a special relocation package that included a bus ticket and change-of-address cards so that their mail service would be uninterrupted.

He added that if the relocation program proved successful, the Pentagon would consider offering to relocate additional insurgents to North Korea.

"This is 'thinking outside the box' at its very best," a beaming Rumsfeld said.

But in Iraq, the relocation program seemed to hit a snag, with many of the insurgents turning up their noses at the Pentagon's offer.

"Why would I want to go to Iran?" asked one insurgent who spoke on condition of anonymity. "That's where I came from in the first place."

Elsewhere, Los Angeles police were led on a high-speed chase by a car driven by Britney Spears' baby.

atomicbob

02-18-2006, 07:11 PM

HALLIBURTON WINS CONTRACT TO RECONSTRUCT CHENEY'S REPUTATION

At $42 Billion, Largest Contract of its Kind, Company Says

The Halliburton Company announced today that it had won a $42 billion no-bid contract from the U.S. government to reconstruct the reputation of Vice President Dick Cheney.

While Halliburton has been known for massive reconstruction projects in such war-torn nations as Iraq, the $42 billion contract represents the first time that the company has been employed to put its reconstruction expertise to work on one embattled human being.

At the White House, spokesman Scott McClellan defended the $42 billion price tag for the reconstruction effort, telling reporters, "Given how much work Dick Cheney's reputation is going to take to rebuild, at the end of the day that $42 billion contract is going to look like a bargain."

Mr. McClellan likened the state of Mr. Cheney's reputation to conditions on the ground in Iraq, "only worse."

But even as Halliburton began gearing up for the daunting task of reconstructing the vice president's reputation, an unlikely critic of the plan, Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert (R-Ill), questioned the wisdom of even attempting to rebuild Dick Cheney.

Rep. Hastert said that based on what he had seen of Dick Cheney's reputation in recent days, it reminded him of the city of New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina, making him wonder whether the vice president could be rebuilt at all.

"It looks like a lot of Dick Cheney could be bulldozed," Rep. Hastert said.

Elsewhere, breaking with a longstanding tradition set by his predecessor, Alan Greenspan, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke delivered his first economic report to Congress in English.

atomicbob

02-19-2006, 07:24 PM

CHENEY 'STILL WAITING' FOR IRAQIS TO APOLOGIZE

Calls Invasion of Iraq 'The Worst Day of My Life'

Vice President Dick Cheney said today that the March 2003 invasion of Iraq was "the worst day of my life" and that he was "still waiting" for the Iraqi people to apologize for it.

Speaking to Brit Hume of the Fox News Channel, Mr. Cheney said that when the U.S. invaded Iraq he expected the troops to be greeted as liberators, and that when that did not happen "it was extremely hurtful to me personally."

"I would have thought that the Iraqi people would have made some sort of apology to me by now," the vice president said. "I'm still waiting for that apology, but I guess you could say that I'm not holding my breath."

Mr. Cheney added that he thought that Iraqi civilians who had been accidentally shot in the face owed him "a special apology."

"Accidents will and do happen," Mr. Cheney said. "But it's incumbent on the person who has been accidentally shot in the face to apologize for it."

Mr. Cheney said he would encourage the President of Iraq to name March 1 as "a national day of apology" when all Iraqis would offer gestures of contrition to the vice president.

In his concluding remarks, the vice president said that the day it became clear that Iraq had no weapons of mass destruction was "the second worst day of my life."

"Saddam Hussein owes me an apology for not having WMD's," Mr. Cheney said. "It still hurts."

Elsewhere, Sunday was a day of redemption for the United States at the Winter Olympics as Bodie Miller won two gold medals for the U.S. drinking team.

atomicbob

02-23-2006, 12:40 AM

U.S. OUTSOURCES HOMELAND SECURITY TO NORTH KOREA

Little-known Korean Firm 'Seems Okay,' Says Chertoff

Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff raised eyebrows today by announcing that the United States would outsource all of its homeland security operations to a little-known North Korean firm called Jim Kong-Il, Inc.

Coming just days after the controversial decision to allow several major U.S. ports to be run by a company based in the United Arab Emirates, the outsourcing of the nation's homeland security functions to an obscure company based in an Axis of Evil country struck some in Washington as ill-timed at best.

But Mr. Chertoff vigorously defended the decision in a Washington press conference this afternoon, calling Jim Kong-Il, Inc. the right firm for the job, adding, "I looked into the company and it seems okay."

When asked exactly how thoroughly he had vetted the North Korean firm, Mr. Chertoff said, "Well, I mean, I haven't Googled it or anything but you just have to trust me on this one."

Almost nothing is known about the North Korean company that is about to control the U.S.'s entire homeland security apparatus, nor about its highly reclusive founder, the mercurial Jim Kong-Il.

In an official statement released today, Mr. Jim said that his company's first official act on behalf of the U.S. would be to collect all of the nation's nuclear fuel rods.

"It is of utmost importance that America's nuclear fuel rods do not fall into the wrong hands," Mr. Jim's statement read. "Therefore, we will collect all of those fuel rods and ship them to North Korea immediately."

Elsewhere, Vice President Dick Cheney admitted having a beer at lunch before advocating the invasion of Iraq.

atomicbob

02-23-2006, 12:40 AM

BUSH VOWS TO ALIENATE REMAINING POCKETS OF SUPPORT

President Determined to Drive Approval Rating Down to Zero

In a nationally televised address from the White House last night, President George W. Bush announced several bold new initiatives designed specifically to alienate his remaining pockets of support.

Acknowledging that his approval rating currently hovers around forty percent, the president told his national television audience, "I will not rest until I have driven that number down to zero."

Mr. Bush said that his recent decision to let a company based in the United Arab Emirates take control of key American ports was "an important step" in alienating the few Americans who still support him.

But the president said he began implementing his plan to drive away millions of supporters three years ago, with the invasion of Iraq: "Based on the approval numbers I now have, all I can say is, mission accomplished."

He added that naming Michael Brown to head up the Federal Emergency Management Agency was another crucial decision in his plan to alienate supporters: "When it comes to driving down your approval rating, Brownie did in fact do a heck of a job."

The president said that he was considering several new initiatives to alienate his remaining pockets of support, such as naming outgoing Harvard University President Larry Summers to a new Cabinet post, Secretary of Alienation.

"When it comes to alienating people, Larry Summers makes me look like a rank amateur," Mr. Bush said.

Elsewhere, donning a helmet while skiing or snowboarding down the slopes can reduce your risk of head injury by 60 percent, according to a new study published today in "Duh" magazine.

[W33T] JimmytehHand8

02-23-2006, 12:43 AM

This thread is amazing AB. Keep em coming :thumbsup:

atomicbob

02-28-2006, 12:17 PM

ARMED CHENEY TO GUARD PORTS

Shotgun-packing Veep Offers Solution to Port Controversy

Attempting to defuse the controversy over the decision to place the operation of several key American ports in the hands of a company based in Dubai, Vice President Dick Cheney said today that he would personally patrol those ports with a 28-gauge shotgun.

Calling himself "armed and dangerous," the vice president used a White House press briefing to put potential evildoers at the nation's ports on notice.

"If anyone tries any funny business at one of our nation's ports, they're going to have to answer to this!" he declared, brandishing his shotgun for the benefit of reporters.

Moments after Mr. Cheney pulled out the firearm, however, the room cleared, as skittish reporters ran for their lives.

"I have never been more terrified in my life than when Dick Cheney whipped out that gun," said NBC's White House correspondent David Gregory. "I was sure I was a goner."

In his remarks to the press, the vice president said that he would be "vigilant and on alert" for any suspicious activities at the nation's ports: "I'll have one beer at lunch, but that's it."

While Mr. Cheney's offer to patrol the nation's ports seemed designed to silence critics of the controversial port deal, Sen. Joseph Biden (D-Del) said he was "not satisfied" that a shotgun-wielding vice president could provide adequate security.

"Knowing Dick Cheney, if he takes aim at a terrorist he'll wind up hitting a bird," Sen. Biden said.

Elsewhere, the White House said today that it would issue its own report on the response to Hurricane Katrina, written by the author James Frey.

atomicbob

02-28-2006, 12:18 PM

SADDAM SENTENCED TO BE PRESIDENT OF IRAQ

Angry Hussein Demands Retrial

A court in Baghdad today found former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein guilty of crimes against humanity and sentenced him to serve a life term as President of Iraq.

With the nation of Iraq on the brink of civil war, Saddam's judge said that being forced to serve as President of Iraq was the stiffest sentence he could hand down.

"Your crimes are unspeakable, and this punishment fits those crimes," said Judge Raouf Abdel Rahman.

The moment Saddam heard his sentence, the angry former dictator leapt to his feet and demanded a retrial.

Saddam's lawyer, former U.S. attorney general Ramsey Clark, said that he would appeal the sentence at the World Court in The Hague: "Being forced to serve as President of Iraq is cruel and unusual punishment, and is most certainly in violation of the Geneva Convention."

But the mood was markedly different in the offices of Iraqi President Jalal Talabani, who immediately began packing up his things and said he was "totally stoked" about handing over the presidency of Iraq to Saddam.

When asked how he planned to celebrate the abrupt end to his term in office, Mr. Talabani said, "I'm going to Disneyland!"

At the Pentagon, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld praised Saddam's sentence and said that the long-elusive solution to the war in Iraq had finally been found.

"To those who have said that we had no exit strategy, all I can say is, mission accomplished," Secretary Rumsfeld said.

Elsewhere, President Bush mourned the passing of Don Knotts, calling the actor "a great American and a role model for me personally."

atomicbob

02-28-2006, 12:20 PM

BIN LADEN TO RUN U.S. POSTAL SERVICE

White House Defends Latest Deal

The White House became embroiled in controversy once again as it announced today that it had made a deal with Osama bin Laden to run the U.S. Postal Service.

Only days after it agreed to a review of its deal with a Dubai-based company to run several U.S. ports, the White House surprised Washington with its decision to put the U.S. mail in the hands of the world's most wanted man.

But at a press briefing in Washington, Vice President Dick Cheney vigorously defended the deal, calling Mr. bin Laden "the right man for the job."

"Osama bin Laden is eminently qualified to run the U.S. Postal Service," Mr. Cheney told reporters. "For one thing, he's already disgruntled."

The vice president denied reports that he was inebriated at the time the deal was made, adding, "I had one beer, tops, and I did not make a second trip to the keg."

Mr. Cheney said that critics of the bin Laden deal were being "narrow minded," saying that giving a multibillion-dollar government contract to the world's most wanted fugitive offered a unique opportunity: "This may be our best chance to find out where he is."

The vice president added that once Mr. bin Laden has control over the postal service, there was a chance that he could become a friend of the U.S., noting, "And once he is our friend, we will shoot him in the face."

Elsewhere, Anna Nicole Smith said she was optimistic about winning her case before the United States Supreme Court, adding, "I'm good at getting old men to do what I want."

atomicbob

03-01-2006, 07:05 PM

GOLDDIGGERS, GIGOLOS RALLY IN SUPPORT OF ANNA NICOLE

Thousands March On Washington to Show Support for Former Playmate

As Anna Nicole Smith brought her claim for the fortune of her late husband, Texas billionaire J. Howard Marshall II, to the United States Supreme Court, a broad-based coalition of golddiggers and gigolos marched on Washington to show their support for the former Playboy playmate.

The National Association of Golddiggers and Gigolos, an organization that boasts a membership of over fifty thousand, organized a rally to demonstrate their solidarity with one of their most celebrated peers.

Ms. Smith's quest for her fair share of Mr. Marshall's billions might not seem like a popular cause, but to the hundreds of golddiggers and gigolos who appeared on the steps of the nation's highest court today, it is a matter of survival.

Cristall Klujian, a former stripper who now works as a full-time golddigger, says that the Smith case "could very well determine whether golddigging is a viable occupation in the United States of America."

"To the outside world, being a golddigger may seem like easy money," Ms. Klujian said. "I can tell you, as someone who has gone on vacations with wealthy boyfriends and laughed at their jokes, this is hard work."

Davis Logsdon, a former exotic dancer who has worked as a gigolo for the past ten years, echoed Ms. Klugian's sentiments: "If the United States Supreme Court does not stand up for the rights of American gigolos, we may see our jobs continue to be outsourced to France."

Elsewhere, in the aftermath of the Dick Cheney hunting accident and the Dubai ports deal, the White House announced a one-day moratorium on doing anything idiotic.

atomicbob

03-07-2006, 10:38 PM

BUSH CONSIDERING EXIT STRATEGY FOR WAR ON OBESITY

Most Low-Carb Products Could Be Withdrawn By Year's End

With the war on obesity grinding on with no end in sight, President George W. Bush is reportedly considering an exit strategy that would see the U.S. withdrawing from the fat fight before the 2006 midterm elections, aides confirmed today.

According to the strategy being mulled, President Bush would simply declare victory over obesity and announce a plan to withdraw most low-carb products from supermarket shelves by the end of 2006.

The plan has been hailed by Republican lawmakers who are worried that the war on obesity has turned into a quagmire that could spoil their chances for victory in November.

When the President first announced the war on obesity, he had widespread support among American voters, many of whom believed that victory over America's bulging waistlines would be swift, easy and painless.

But with the steady drumbeat of bad news from the war on obesity, including recent data showing that over one third of Americans are obese, the White House has apparently decided that it has become time to cut and run.

"You can expect to the White House to point out certain success stories like Kirstie Alley and then proclaim victory," says Davis Logsdon, an expert in the politics of obesity at the University of Minnesota.

But Logsdon has one caveat for the White House's proposed exit strategy: "When someone in the administration finally does announce victory in the war on obesity, it probably shouldn't be Cheney."

Elsewhere, to enable the 78th Academy Awards ceremonies to conclude in a timely fashion, this Sunday's Oscar telecast will begin on Saturday morning.

atomicbob

03-07-2006, 10:39 PM

BUSH PAYS SURPRISE VISIT TO REALITY

President Calls Two-Hour Stop in Real World 'Informative'

President George W. Bush departed from his planned itinerary today to make a surprise visit to reality, later calling the two-hour stop in the real world "informative."

For Mr. Bush, the visit to reality, while brief, was still significant because it represented his first visit to the real world since being elected President in 2000.

"The President has not visited reality the entire time he's been in the White House," one aide said. "The closest he's come is watching 'Survivor.'"

Mr. Bush touched down in the real world a little after dawn, delivering a brief address on the airport runway in which he attempted to put the best face on his relationship with reality, a relationship which has been frayed in recent years.

But beneath the smiles and positive statements, Mr. Bush's aides seemed well aware that the President's relationship with reality is complicated at best, since his approval rating in the real world currently hovers at an all-time low.

"The President deserves a lot of credit for making this visit to reality," one aide said. "He doesn't have a natural constituency here."

On the whole, though, when the President's two-hour visit was over, most of his staff seemed relieved that the potentially perilous tour of reality had passed without incident.

"It'll be good leaving reality and going back to Washington," one aide said.

Elsewhere, after a new study showed that only one in 1,000 Americans know what the First Amendment is, Vice President Dick Cheney said, "Good, then no one will notice when it's gone."

atomicbob

03-07-2006, 10:41 PM

BIN LADEN TRIED TO WARN BUSH ABOUT KATRINA

In Newly Released Teleconference, Madman Expressed Concern About Levees

A newly released video of a teleconference between President George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden that took place in the hours before Hurricane Katrina hit reveals that the al Qaeda terror mastermind attempted to warn the President that the levees in New Orleans could be breached in the event of a powerful storm.

The video, which was broadcast today on the Arabic-language television network Al Jazeera, appears to be the most stunning evidence to date that the President was warned about the vulnerability of the levees but remained unconcerned nevertheless.

During the teleconference, Mr. bin Laden, who appears to be speaking from a cave, warns the President that the full force of Katrina's fury could breach the levees, adding, "It is important that those levees remain intact, because I would like to breach them myself at a later date."

Throughout the videotaped session, however, the President seems unconcerned both about Katrina's potentially catastrophic impact on the levees and Mr. bin Laden's implied threat to destroy the levees himself.

"What's most striking about the tape is that Mr. Bush never asks bin Laden any questions, including, where exactly are you calling from?" an Al Jazeera executive said.

At the White House today, Mr. Bush downplayed his contact with Mr. bin Laden, telling reporters that he "barely knew" the al Qaeda madman.

"I know him even less well than I know Jack Abramoff," the President said.

Elsewhere, in an ominous sign that Iraq may be sliding into civil war, Ken Burns and his camera crew turned up in Baghdad today.

atomicbob

03-07-2006, 10:42 PM

NCAA RENAMES MARCH MADNESS 'MARCH BIPOLAR DISORDER'

Under Pressure from National Institute of Mental Health

The National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) stunned the sports world today by announcing that its annual college basketball tournament, known to its fans as March Madness, will henceforth be known as March Bipolar Disorder.

The name-change, which both surprised and outraged devotees of the annual ritual, came after the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) demanded that the NCAA drop the "Madness" tag.

While fans across the country argued that "March Bipolar Disorder" did not have the same ring to it, a spokesperson for the NIMH said today that the new name was "more clinically accurate."

"Each year, the tournament produces extreme mood swings in both its players and its fans," said spokesperson Carol Foyler. "In our view, those symptoms are consistent with bipolar disorder."

Even as tournament purists complained that the NCAA had caved in to the medical community, sports marketing expert Colby Teague said that the name-change could open the door to new sponsorship opportunities from the manufacturers of bipolar disorder medications, such as Eli Lilly.

"I could see a scenario where next year it's called the ZyprexaT March Bipolar Disorder," he said.

Among bipolar college basketball fans like Devon Trailor of Chapel Hill, NC, reaction to the controversial name-change was mixed: "I was very excited about the new name yesterday, but today I'm not."

Elsewhere, according to a report today by the International Journal of Pediatric Obesity, half of the children in North and South America will be overweight by 2010, and the other half will pick on them.

atomicbob

03-13-2006, 08:23 PM

FIRST DICK CHENEY JOKES ARRIVE IN IRAQ

Pentagon Hopes Merriment Will Unite Sunnis, Shiites

Weeks after Vice President Dick Cheney's hunting accident became the staple of television comedians' monologues, the Pentagon today dispatched the first shipment of Dick Cheney hunting jokes to Iraq.

With sectarian violence in Iraq continuing to rise, the Pentagon hopes that laughter over the Vice President's hunting mishap will serve to unite Sunnis and Shiites and bring the country back from the brink of civil war.

"For weeks, Americans of every stripe have laughed about Dick Cheney shooting his friend in the face," Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said at a Pentagon briefing today. "We are hopeful that by laughing at Dick Cheney together, both Sunnis and Shiites will find common ground."

The Cheney jokes were culled from late-night television, translated into Arabic, and then printed on flyers which were airdropped over the war-torn nation in the early hours of the morning, Secretary Rumsfeld said.

He added that if the Dick Cheney jokes take root in Iraq, he could envision a scenario in which Dick Cheney jokes flourish across the entire Middle East.

But so far the response to the Cheney jokes from Iraqis has been tepid at best, with few Sunnis or Shiites finding humor in the Vice President's predicament.

"If a man shoots his friend in his face, he is a menace and must be punished," said Hisham Dalal, 39, a Baghdad office worker. "His friend should be permitted to shoot him in the face."

Elsewhere, President Bush acknowledged today that the U.S. had not yet found Osama bin Laden, but added, "On the positive side, we continue to arrest Cindy Sheehan."

atomicbob

03-13-2006, 08:24 PM

INTERIOR SECRETARY QUITS; CITES 'NO MORE ENVIRONMENT LEFT TO WRECK'

Norton Declares Mission Accomplished

Secretary of the Interior Gail Norton announced her resignation on Friday, saying that there was "no more environment left to wreck" after five years at her Cabinet-level job.

Flanked by members of her Department of the Interior staff, Ms. Norton was clearly in a celebratory mood, telling reporters, "When I took this job five years ago, my goal was a simple one: to destroy as much of the environment as possible."

Beaming with pride, Ms. Norton said, "I am here today to say, 'mission accomplished.'"

The outgoing Interior Secretary was quick to share the credit with her staff, saying, "No one person could wreak that much damage on the environment all by herself - this was definitely a team effort."

Ticking off her accomplishments, Ms. Norton took special pride in having opened up previously protected wildlife habitats to oil exploration and drilling.

"Five years ago, caribou and puffins made Alaska their home," she said. "Thanks to your hard work, today we have them on the run."

While insisting that the environment was for all practical purposes destroyed, she said that her successor would still face "pockets of wildlife, air and water" that would need to be eradicated.

When asked about her plans for the future, Ms. Norton said that she was leaving her job to spend more time defoliating forests with her family.

Elsewhere, President Bush said he was saddened by the arrest of former adviser Claude Allen on felony theft charges, telling reporters, "If he wanted to rip people off, I could have gotten him a job at Halliburton."

atomicbob

03-13-2006, 08:25 PM

PRESIDENT OF IRAN IS A 'TOTAL WHACK JOB,' SAYS KIM JONG-IL

Recent Comments Make Iranian Seem Like Madman, Madman Says

Reacting to recent threats by Iranian President Mahmoud Amadinejad to inflict "harm and pain" on the U.S. in retaliation for clamping down on its nuclear program, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il today called Mr. Amadinejad "a total whack job."

Kim's comment about President Amadinejad surprised many in the international community, since it is highly unusual for one member of the Axis of Evil to criticize another in public.

But according to the North Korean dictator, "When Mahmoud shoots his mouth off like that he makes us all look like a bunch of nuts."

"It's the Axis of Evil," Kim added, "not the Axis of Lunatics."

Hours after Kim made his remarks, however, Osama bin Laden appeared in a new videotape to pooh-pooh any speculation about a rift between the North Korean madman and the Iranian madman.

Mr. bin Laden, who replaced Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein in the Axis of Evil when he was toppled in 2003, said that trash-talking between Kim and Mr. Amadinejad was "nothing out of the ordinary" for the two evildoers.

"That's how they roll," Mr. bin Laden said, adding that Axis of Evil meetings often descend into insults and "yo mama" jokes.

While the al Qaeda terror mastermind said that his two colleagues were often exasperating, he said he has no plans to leave the Axis of Evil: "Someone around here has to be the voice of reason."

Elsewhere, Vice President Dick Cheney made his case for warrantless wiretaps today, telling reporters, "Everything else we've done for the past five years has been completely unwarranted."

atomicbob

04-02-2006, 05:27 PM

KEN LAY CLAIMS COCONUT FELL ON HEAD, CAUSING AMNESIA

Controversial 'Gilligan Defense' Makes Debut at Enron Trial

In what many experts are calling a high stakes legal strategy, former Enron CEO Ken Lay testified at his trial today that a coconut fell on his head while he was running the Texas energy company, causing amnesia that wiped out all memory of anything that happened during his tenure there.

While most trial watchers expected Mr. Lay's defense team to use inventive tactics to secure an acquittal for the embattled former CEO, few expected the coconut-falling-on-head explanation for Mr. Lay's claim that he was out of the loop for the entirety of Enron's multibillion-dollar fall from grace.

As the trial resumed this morning, Mr. Lay's defense attorney used a diagram, a pointer, and a coconut itself to dramatize the incident in what legal experts are already calling "The Gilligan Defense."

"As you can see, a coconut that Mr. Lay kept on a high shelf of his office bookcase rolled off the shelf, landing squarely on his head, and causing total amnesia," said Mr. Lay's attorney to a stunned courtroom.

Moments after the coconut landed on the former CEO's head, Mr. Lay claimed that Andrew Fastow, Enron's former chief financial officer, ran into Mr. Lay's office, concerned, and asked, "Are you all right, little buddy?"

But under cross examination, Mr. Lay's story appeared to fray somewhat, especially when the prosecutor asked, "If you had total amnesia, how could you remember that a coconut fell on your head?"

"Oops," Mr. Lay replied.

Elsewhere, President Bush expressed confidence about Iraq's future, and added that he thought that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston would get back together.

atomicbob

04-04-2006, 12:17 PM

CHENEY HAS NO FRIENDS AT MYSPACE

Latest Trouble Sign For Embattled Veep

After seeing his approval ratings plummet to an all-time low in recent weeks, Vice President Dick Cheney suffered another setback today as the White House confirmed that he had no friends at MySpace.

Mr. Cheney opened an account at MySpace.com in 2004 and immediately boasted an impressive list of MySpace friends, including his former aide Lewis "Scooter" Libby and the lobbyist Jack Abramoff.

But after both men were indicted, Mr. Cheney ordered his staff to remove Mr. Libby and Mr. Abramoff from his MySpace page to obscure the fact that they had ever been his friends.

In a cruel twist of fate, however, a mass exodus of MySpace friends from Mr. Cheney's page began months later as the vice president's network of web-based buddies begin to hemorrhage.

"Once your approval rating hits 18 percent, you start losing a lot of friends - even on MySpace," one Cheney aide conceded today.

As of late last night, Mr. Cheney's sole remaining MySpace friend, a man who identified himself only as "Tom," vanished from his web page, leaving the vice president friendless.

While Mr. Cheney is considering seeking out new friends on other Internet sites, such as Match.com or JDate.com, his aide acknowledged that the search could turn out to be fruitless.

"At this point, word has gotten around that if you're a friend of Dick Cheney's, you get shot in the face," the aide said.

Elsewhere, one day after resigning from the White House to spend more time with his family, Andrew Card's family replaced him with longtime Bush loyalist Joshua Bolten.

atomicbob

04-04-2006, 12:20 PM

CONDI SAYS NUMBER OF U.S. MISTAKES CLOSER TO A BILLION

Forgot All The Mistakes Rumsfeld Made, Rice Says

After stating last week that the U.S. had made thousands of tactical errors in the war in Iraq, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice restated that number upward today, telling reporters that the actual figure was "probably closer to a billion."

Dr. Rice apologized for initially low-balling the number of U.S. mistakes, explaining, "Quite frankly, I forgot about a lot of the mistakes that Rumsfeld made."

While acknowledging that pegging the number of mistakes in the thousands was an error, she added, "Quite frankly, when the U.S. has made a billion mistakes, what's one more?"

The State Department today issued an official list of the billion mistakes made thus far in Iraq, but Dr. Rice warned that the list was far from complete: "We are currently making between four and five thousand mistakes a day, so this list is very much a work in progress."

The list contains some well-known mistakes (No. 1: Expecting the Iraqis to greet us with flowers) but also some previously undisclosed ones (No. 23,556,779: Attempting to introduce Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer" as the new Iraqi national anthem).

At a press briefing at the Pentagon, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was mum on the list of mistakes issued by the State Department, but said that later in the week he would be issuing a list of mistakes made by Dr. Rice.

"And that number is closer to a zillion," he said.

Elsewhere, a new study indicates that cell phones pose health risks when thrown at one's head by Naomi Campbell.

Ichi

04-04-2006, 12:22 PM

:rofl:

You should work for The Onion.

atomicbob

04-06-2006, 09:02 PM

DeLAY CAUGHT TRYING TO SWITCH IDENTITIES WITH ILLEGAL ALIEN

Texas Congressman Snagged in Border Sweep

Embattled Texas congressman Tom DeLay was arrested last night as he attempted to switch identities with an illegal alien at the Texas-Mexico border, immigration officials confirmed today.

For Mr. DeLay, who earlier this year stepped down from his leadership position in the House of Representatives and who just this week said he would not seek reelection, this brush with the law was just the latest in a series of stunning setbacks.

According to the official who arrested him, the former House Majority Leader was trying to tempt illegal aliens to switch identities with him in the hopes that he could start over with a new, simpler life as a Mexican laborer.

"Apparently, though, there were no takers," the official said.

One illegal alien who spoke on condition of anonymity said that Rep. DeLay offered him all of his credentials and even his key to the House men's room, but that ultimately his offer was not attractive.

"I would rather take my chances being an illegal alien in America than being Tom DeLay," he said. "At least as an illegal alien I have a chance of being legalized - there's no way that the things Tom DeLay has done will ever be considered legal."

The illegal alien noted another downside of switching identities with Tom Delay: "I would have to admit that I knew Jack Abramoff."

Elsewhere, Department of Homeland Security spokesman Brian J. Doyle declared himself innocent of sex-related charges today, arguing that he was using his computer to smash a terrorist ring composed of 14-year-old girls.

atomicbob

04-06-2006, 09:03 PM

:rofl:

You should work for The Onion.

I reiterate.....this is not my work.

But, it needs posted.....

:rockon:

atomicbob

04-08-2006, 02:29 PM

FEMA: U.S. PREPARED FOR HURRICANE, BIRD FLU AS LONG AS HURRICANE WIPES OUT BIRDS

Disasters Are Our Friend, FEMA Chief Tells Congress

In testimony before Congress today, the acting head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) said that the United States could handle both an outbreak of bird flu and a major hurricane as long as the hurricane successfully eradicated the bird population.

Acting FEMA Director R. David Paulison said that the agency was putting a series of plans in place to deal with a possible bird flu pandemic, but added, "We're really counting on a major hurricane to do the heavy lifting for us, bird-killing-wise."

Mr. Paulison outlined a series of scenarios his agency has been developing in which birds are wiped out by other natural disasters such as tornadoes, earthquakes and volcanic eruptions.

"These birds think they're pretty tough, but just you wait," he said. "They're no match for molten lava."

While some in Congress questioned the wisdom of relying on natural disasters of an almost Biblical nature to destroy the nation's birds and thus stave off a possible bird flu pandemic, Mr. Paulison called such skepticism "narrow-minded."

"Disasters are our friend," he said. "Look how good Iraq has been for Halliburton."

Failing a major disaster to wipe out the bird population, Mr. Paulison said that every man, woman and child in America could do his or her share by killing one bird a day.

"Everyone in this country is capable of killing a bird, except Dick Cheney," he said.

Elsewhere, rapper Eminem said he regretted the demise of his three-month-long marriage to wife Kim, telling reporters, "I thought we would last forever, or at least as long as Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney."

atomicbob

04-10-2006, 06:34 PM

CHENEY AUTHORIZED BUSH TO AUTHORIZE CHENEY TO AUTHORIZE LEAK

Leak Plot Thickens as New Documents Emerge

Days after it was revealed that President George W. Bush authorized Vice President Dick Cheney to authorize a leak of prewar intelligence, new documents surfaced today indicating that the President only authorized Mr. Cheney after Mr. Cheney authorized him to do so.

While confusing at first blush, the documents serve to clear up a question that has nagged many Beltway observers for the past few days: did President Bush actually tell Vice President Cheney to do something, in a complete reversal of the White House's customary chain of command?

"If President Bush told Dick Cheney to do something, rather than the other way around, that would be a first for this White House," said Davis Logsdon, professor of political science at the University of Minnesota. "If, as these documents suggest, President Bush authorized Dick Cheney to authorize the leak only after Dick Cheney first authorized the President to do so, then the whole situation starts to make a little more sense."

As news that Mr. Cheney had authorized Mr. Bush to authorize him to authorize the leak swept through Washington, lawmakers on both sides of the aisle seemed relieved that a sense of the natural order of things had been restored.

"I was pleased to hear that President Bush only authorized Dick Cheney after Dick Cheney authorized him to do so," said Sen. Bill Frist (D-Tenn). "I never bought that the President told the Vice President to do something - that was crazy talk."

Elsewhere, wages in the U.S. surged 8% this month, but economists said that most of that increase was due to Katie Couric.

atomicbob

04-24-2006, 06:47 PM

FEMA TELLS KATRINA VICTIMS TO STOP BEING HOMELESS SO THAT IT CAN SEND THEM BILLS

Homeless Scam is Busted, Says Agency

The Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA), seeking repayment of $4.7 million from victims of hurricane Katrina, today ordered those victims "to stop being homeless" so that it would have somewhere to send the bills.

At a briefing at FEMA headquarters in Washington, acting FEMA Director R. David Paulison said the agency had attempted to send invoices to over 2,000 residents in Mississippi but had been frustrated by the fact that many of those residents do not have addresses.

"To those Katrina victims who think they're going to avoid getting bills from us because they don't have an address, guess again," Mr. Paulison. "This whole 'homeless' scam of yours is now officially busted."

While some in Washington questioned the tactfulness of Mr. Paulison's remarks, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said that billing Katrina victims was "only fair" and that he would soon issue invoices to every man, woman and child in Iraq for the cost of the war there.

According to Secretary Rumsfeld, the Defense Department would begin sending invoices asking each Iraqi citizen to pay $247,850 to pick up their share of the war's hefty tab.

"And I would urge those Iraqis who have been made 'homeless' by the war to get their rear in gear and get an address for us to send the bill to, pronto," Mr. Rumsfeld said at a Pentagon press briefing. "Honestly, some of those Iraqis are just as sneaky as those darn Katrina victims."

Elsewhere, veteran CIA official Mary O'Neil McCarthy was fired for leaking classified information to The Washington Post and was immediately given a high-ranking job at the White House.