For all of my HR buddies this jokes for Ewe !!!!

[ICEPICK]

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her ass. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"

"Johnny," the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women."

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with another black eye. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her ass. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

[wihadmin]

hahaha!!! Is this the beginning of ICEPICK's famous joke thread?

[ICEPICK]

hahaha!!! Is this the beginning of ICEPICK's famous joke thread?

Yes but lets hope for some Participation from other members..... Gimme yur dirty jokes but lets try & keep the Nasty words to a minimumOn that note :

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly., "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"

"Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar."

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz."

The bartender nodded, "Well, heck, if you're that far along you might as well finish the job."

[=HR=Gumby!!!]

Oh dip! ICEPICK's Joke Thread Part 3:The ROFL's Revenge :hehehe:

[ICEPICK]

Gee your hair smells terrific

Everyday a woman went to work, a man walked up to her, smelled her hair and said,"Your hair smells so nice!" This went on for about a week until she finally had enough and filed a complaint against the man for sexual harassment.

She told them about the man and how he smelled her hair every morning. They said, "How can that be sexual harassment? He is just complimenting you on the smell of your hair!" The woman replied," Well yes, but he's a midget!!!

[ICEPICK]

YeeHaw

There were these two guys sitting in a bar and enjoying their drinks. They were talking about their favorite position while having sex.
" What position do you like best when you have sex?"
" I like the rodeo position."
" What the hell is the rodeo position?"
" Listen carefully. You can only do it once with your wife so try to enjoy it. You get your wife on all fours and you get behind her and you start fucking her doggie style. When she is really into it and starts havin fun, put all your weight on her back without using your hands and whisper into her ear: " This is your sister's favorite position too!" Then try to stay on top with no hands for ten seconds!"

[wihadmin]

[quote="ICEPICK"]Gee your hair smells terrific

:yaya: :D :rockon:

[Phenix]

YeeHaw, wasn't bad either... :rockon: :hehehe:

[ICEPICK]

Anyone for a little Roulette


There was an African Ambassador who came to meet with his Russian delegate friend. Well, the ambassador was introduced to the game Roulette. You press a gun to your temple, squeeze the trigger, and see if you get the only bullet in the six chambers. The ambassador was both amused and entertained by this game.
A couple years passed, and the delegate goes to meet with his friend, the ambassador who informs him that he has a similar game. He pointed to six, gorgeous women.
“All of them will give you a blow job.”
The delegate was confused. “Where's the risk?”
“Well, one of them is a cannibal.”

[DemonEyes]

Oh Em Gee that is funny shit :rockon: icepick :rockon:

[ICEPICK]

Where do Babies come From

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.
“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

[ICEPICK]

Grandma's Going Crazy



A 95 yr old woman loses her husband and decides she is going to commit
suicide. She thinks the best way to do this is to shoot herself in the heart.
So she goes to the doctor and asks him where the best way to find her heart was. He tells her it is just beneath the left breasst. Later that day she came into the hospital with a gunshot wound to the knee.

[ICEPICK]

The Duck and the Condom

Two honeymooning ducks are staying in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, “We don’t have any condoms. I''ll call room service.” So he calls and asks for condoms. The receptionist says, ''''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?'''' ''''No,'''' he says, ''''I''ll suffocate!''''

[ICEPICK]

Texas Trooper


Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over. The trooper walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club and smacks the driver across the face. Stunned, the driver asks, ''Why did you do that??''
The trooper responds, ''You're in Texas now son, you have that license out and ready around here!''

''I apologize sir, I'm not from around here.''

The trooper then walks to the passenger side of the car, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down his window and the trooper takes out his club and smacks the passenger across the face.

''What was that for?'' asked the passenger.

''I know your kind,'' says the trooper, ''About two miles down the road you would have looked at your buddy and said 'I wish that son of a bitch would have tried that crap with me!'''

[moldykorn]

I guess ill add one....


UNCLE BOB


The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket an the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That's a fine story Lucy," she continued. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with with the machete till the blade broke and then kill the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you
from that horrible story?"

"Don't fuck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

[ICEPICK]

Ladies & gentlemen we have a real person posting besides me :happyhappy: :ban_dance01: :happyhappy:

[wihadmin]

Thanks for the jokes! I might not post but I enjoy each and every one of them!

Pleae continue posting jokes!

[ICEPICK]

Two Bit Girlfriend

A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. His face is all bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "Hey buddy, what in the world happened to you?".
The guy says, "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore."

"Yeah?" asks the bartender. "What did she do?"

"She hit me with her bag of quarters!".

[ICEPICK]

Who's the Most Fun to Operate On?

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".

The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".

The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.

The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers".

The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.

The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".

[atomicbob]

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It
seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes.

After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare.

"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.

So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know
what, we can pull it out without touching it and
eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 percent."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon!

[atomicbob]

A Man comes home from the bar..

He is tanked and walks into his bedroom.

He has a Duck under his arm.

He Says in his slurred voice:

"This is the PIG I have been spending my nights with"

His wife sits up in bed and says:

" You drunk dumb ass, THAT is a DUCK !"

He States:

" I was talking to the.......DUCK............... burp"

[atomicbob]

1 to change the light bulb.

1 to post that the light bulb has been changed…


14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light
bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

6 to argue over whether it’s “lightbulb” or “light bulb”

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term
is “lamp”.

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that “light
bulb” is perfectly correct.

156 to email the participant’s ISPs complaining that they are in
violation of their “acceptable use policy”.

109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please
take this discussion to a lightbulb forum.

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum,
and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where
to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for
this technique and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URLs.

27 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to
this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including
all headers and signatures, and add “Me too”.

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they
cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the “Me too’s” to say “Me three”.

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

44 to ask what is a “FAQ”?

4 to say “didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”

143 to say “do a search on ‘light bulbs’ before posting questions
about light bulbs”.

1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now
and to start it all over again.

[MajorPayne]

The randy rooster

A farmer goes out one day and buys a rooster, when he returns to his farm the rooster goes crazy! First it has it's way with the hens, then it does it with the horses, pigs, cows, dogs, and cats. The farmer goes up to the rooster and says "If you don't quite this crap, your gonna kill yourself" .

The next day the Farmer walks outside to see the rooster laying on it's back with it's tungue hanging out and a flock of buzzards hovering closer and closer. The Farmer walks over to the rooster and says "I told you, this would happen", the rooster opened one of it's eyes and whispered to the farmer "SHHH, their getting closer"

Not all that funny, but I don't know many jokes.

[moldykorn]

ASSORTED LIGHTBULB JOKES


How many femnists does it take to change a lightbulb?


None, femnists dont change anything.


How many skinheads does it take to change a lightbulb?


Ten, one to change it and nine to back him up.


How many punks does it take to change a lightbulb?


Ten, one to change it and nine to tell him how punk rock it is.





OH OH OH!


And these......


Whats the difference between one thousand dead babies and a camaro?




I DONT HAVE A CAMARO IN MY GARAGE!

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!


Please add to both the lightbulb\dead baby jokes.

[atomicbob]

You're twisted.

:thumbsup:

[monos]

Ok My Favorite Light Bulb Joke.

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None... They declare darkness as the standard.

[Bonez]

what's the diffrence between a ferrari and a bag of dead babies.

i don't own a ferrari

know what's worse

there is one still alive at the bottom of the bag

know what's worse

it's trying to eat it's way out.

[ICEPICK]

Rejected US Army Slogans

"Kill All That You Can Kill"

"Shower With Men"

"Knock Up Foreign Broads"

"All The Grits You Can Eat"

"Be A Flame Thrower, Not A Flame Broiler"

"Purple Hearts = Free Beers At Hooters"

"Whimsical And Human, Just Like M*A*S*H"

"Cubicles Are For Wusses"

"Napalm Means Serious BBQ" <== Atomic Bob

"Over 1,000,000 Sheared, Beaten, And Worked Into A Sub-Human Fury!"

"Totally Beefcake and Proud of It"

"Beat Up Sailors"

"We Won''''t Screw Your Mind Up As Bad As The Marines Will"

"Kicking Nazi Tail Since 1942"

"Don''t Ask, Don''t Tell, Don''t Accessorize"

“Risk Your Life for Freedoms No One Appreciates!"

"Play Doom… For Real!"

"Sure Beats Lurnin''''!"

"Because Terminators Are Real"

[ICEPICK]

Vetoed Valentine Promotions


Nevada State Tourism Board
“Nothing Says I LOVE YOU Like Legalized Prostitution and Gambling” T-shirts, baseball caps, and coffee mugs.

Ku Klux Klan
* Valentine’s Day Heart Burning, co-sponsored by Alka Seltzer

Vatican Public Relations Office
* “Naughty Altar Boy” limited edition ceramic figurine

American Heart Association
* Chocolate heart with marshallow-filled arteries. Simultaneously a touching token of love and a serious warning to an overweight sweetheart.

Daughters of the American Revolution
* Illustrated Kama Sutra featuring George and Martha Washington. Comes with authentic period wooden dental dam.

PETA
* Spray Paint a Red Heart on Joan Rivers’ Coat Competition

National Society of Organ Donors
* “My Heart Belongs to You (As Soon As I’m Brain Dead)” cards.

Department of Homeland Security
* Moving the Valentine’s Day National Warning System Code Red for a “High Risk of Lovin’”

[atomicbob]

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

What majestic trees!

What powerful rivers!

What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

[atomicbob]

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at
work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and
hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes
home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little
boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy -"I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man -"OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's
go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take
you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again...."

[ICEPICK]

Gorilla Language


A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo one day, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "screw you" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better - and he vowed revenge.

The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and went right up to the gorilla's cage where he opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on.

Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half. The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man, and pulled down his eyelid.

[ICEPICK]

Bill and Hillary

Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear. Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field. The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me, I said throw out the first pitch."

[ICEPICK]

Elephant Encounter

Q: What should you do if you come across an elephant?

A: Apologize and wipe it off.

[ICEPICK]

The Native American Clock

One day, there was a cowboy riding a horse in the desert. He came along this native American layin' naked with a hard-on, so the cowboy decided to ask the N. American, ''What are you doing, why are you layin there naked?''
The N. American replies, ''I'm finding out the time.''

So the cowboy's like, ''Well then, what time is it?''

The N. American replies ''its 12:15.''

The cowboy looks at his watch and thought, "Wow he's pretty good. It really is 12:15."

The cowboy continues on a few hours and sees another N. American laying naked on the ground with a hard-on. So again he asks, what he is doing. The N. American replies''

I'm seeing what time it is.''

The cowboy asks him what time it was, and the N. American answered, "it's 3:15."

The cowboy looked at his watch and he too had the correct time. The cowboy continued moseying on and he finds a third N. American laying naked on the ground with a hard-on, EXCEPT this guy is jerking off.

The cowboy, leans over and asks what he was doing and the N. American replied, "I'm winding my watch."'

[wihadmin]

Elephant Encounter

Q: What should you do if you come across an elephant?

A: Apologize and wipe it off.

Stupidly silly joke, but I'm LOL! :thumbsup:

[ICEPICK]

MORE REJECTED CHILDRENS BOOK TITLES:

1. Juggling Knives is Easy
2. Where to Find the toys in the Oven
3. Where Mommy & Daddy Hide Neat Things
4. Kick, Scream, and Cry to Get What You Want
5. "Whatcha' Doin'" the Wonderful Phrase
6. 101 Games to Play in the Road
7. The Indoor Pool is a Big Potty and the Divingboard is the Flusher
8. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub,a Blowdryer,and a Fork
9. POP, goes the Hamster and other fun Microwave Games
10. Arthur Gets Hunted
11. Clifford and the Big and Yellow Semi
12. Monsters Killed Grandpa
13. The hit sequel to "Elvis is your real dad" Mrs.Clause is your real Mom
14. Chicken Poop for the Kid Soul
15. All Guns Squirt Water
16. When The Garbage Truck Came to Sesame Street
17. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite
18. You Can Get Sucked Down the Drain
19. How to Make Sushi with Ordinary Goldfish
20. 101 recipies to make with Dog
21. If its Storming out the Best Place to keep shelter is under a tree
22. The New Boy is Bad
23. Your Nightmares are real
24. The Time When Elmer REALLY got Bugs
25. Scooby Doo Gets Rabbis
26. The Lion, the Steak, and the Blender
27. The Little Kitten that was too Curious..... SSP NELLE
28. The Boy who was so Stupid that his Dad put him up for Adoption
29. Mickey Mouse and the Mouse Trap
30. Chuck E. Cheese and Cheddar get a Flamethrower
31. Grampa Gets A Casket
32. Dad's New Wife Robert
33. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refridgerator


The ones in bold made me chuckle

[ICEPICK]

Pick Up Lines


1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.
2. Nice legs...what time do they open?
3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one?
8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
9. Want to play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. wonders if that ever worked :hehehe:
15. Are those real?
16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
19. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.
20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
22. F@# me if I'm wrong, but is your name Sherry Titsbottom?
23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
24. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza? :hehehe:
33. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
34. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
35. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.
36. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room. :hehehe:
37. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

[GorroXXII]

Sex in the Dark


There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every
time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the
light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured
she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they
were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned
on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and
larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

[GorroXXII]

I love this one I got!!!

http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y277/GorroXXII/AsIMature.jpg

[GorroXXII]

Street Silly:

A couple of old guys, Glen and Martin, were out for their daily walk when, suddenly, Glen clutched his chest and fell to the ground. Martin called 911 on his cellphone.

"Where are you?" asked the 911 operator.

"We were walking on the sidewalk along Eucalyptus St.." replied Martin.

"How do you spell that?" asked 911.

Just then, the phone went quiet. Then, the operator could hear lot of panting and grunting. She kept shouting for someone to answer.

Martin came back on the like a few minutes later. "It's okay. I dragged him over to Oak St.", huffed Martin. "That's O-A-K."

[GorroXXII]

Subject: Every story has a moral


The teacher asked her fifth grade class to get their parents to tell
them a story with a moral at the end of it as an assignment. The next
day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Michael says,
"My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we
were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car
when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and
broke and made a mess".

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket"! " Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sarah raised her hand and says, "Our family are farmers, too,
but we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time,
but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this
story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah, so Ashley, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunty Christine who was a
flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail
out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a
machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it
wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy
troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of
bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade
broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did
your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f^@# away from Aunty Christine when she's been drinking!!!!"

[monos]

apparently gorro did not read page one! DER!

[GorroXXII]

apparently gorro did not read page one! DER!

Apparently I didn't, DOUBLE DER!!!!! Oh well, mine is better :D

[Wibby]

What do you get when you mate a poodle with an elephant?

Dead poodle split in half.

[ICEPICK]

DONATIONS
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

[Mr. Saigon]

ha, nice.

[wihadmin]

Good one ICEPICK! :thumbsup: :yuck: :D

[ICEPICK]

I just want to be held



I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.

She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw.

[atomicbob]

Never piss off a nurse......

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him, but finally even she had had enough. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.

After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen
someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a Carnation."

[wihadmin]

I dont' get it AB. What's a Carnation?

[GorroXXII]

I dont' get it AB. What's a Carnation?

He had a flower stickin out of his butt. :crazy:

[wihadmin]

I dont' get it AB. What's a Carnation?

He had a flower stickin out of his butt. :crazy:

Ok flower out of of a lawyer's butt. What's the relationship between a lawyer and a flowers? What am I missing?

I'm not knocking on your joke AB. I'm just trying to understand. :)

[monos]

the nurse was screwing with the jerkoff instead of actually taking his temp she shoved a flower in his bum and left the door open for all to see.

[GorroXXII]

I dont' get it AB. What's a Carnation?

He had a flower stickin out of his butt. :crazy:

Ok flower out of of a lawyer's butt. What's the relationship between a lawyer and a flowers? What am I missing?

I'm not knocking on your joke AB. I'm just trying to understand. :)

:wallbash: I think the power has gone to your head...

It is funny, he pissed off the nurses so they turned him into a laughing stock... remember be nice to your nurses(They are Evil) I should know I am married to one :yuck:

[ICEPICK]

The Bull Auction

This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off:

"A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments,
"See! That was more than 5 times a month!"

The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."

Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month.
What do YOU say to that?!"

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells,
"That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, "Sure, once a day!
But ask the announcer if they were all with the same fat cow!!"

[wihadmin]

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, "Sure, once a day!
But ask the announcer if they were all with the same fat cow!!"

:rockon: I get this one! :hehehe:

[atomicbob]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I is sure of eet."
"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee."

So with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture… fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon - every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!

”Pepe, Pepe - we ees saved - eees a bacon tree!”

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget."

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon? Ees no meerage - ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres - Pepe following closely behind - when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe, go back man - you was right, ees not a bacon tree."
"Luis, Luis, mi amigo… what ees eet?"
"Pepe, ees not a bacon tree… ees a Ham Bush."

[[W33T] cda]

how do you get 100 dead babies into a salad bowl? --- blender
how do you get them out --- doritos

:yuck:

[ICEPICK]

Some Supermodel Insight

"Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone." -Tatjana Patitz

"I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak." -Linda Evangelista

"It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to, and I would." -Kate Moss

"When I model I pretty much go blank. You can't think too much or it doesn't work." -Paulina Porizkova

"I don't even wake up for less than $10,000 a day." -Linda Evangelista

"If I'm making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some crackers." -Carol Alt

"My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, What if she's ugly? You're ugly.'" -Beverly Johnson


"I love the confidence that makeup gives me." -Tyra Banks

"I would rather exercise than read a newspaper." -Kim Alexis

[ICEPICK]

3 Please

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

[GorroXXII]

:rofl:

[wihadmin]

:thumbsup: :D

[BytheGREENtree]

Can I still enjoy that joke if I'm not HR?..cause I really did. Thanks guys!

[ICEPICK]

Shirts Off

A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot annouces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing. The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed. So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Here you go, you crazy bitch, iron this."

[ICEPICK]

Redneck Computer Lingo

Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off: Don't add no wood.
Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz: When yer not careful downloadin'.
Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.
Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive: Gettin' home in the winter season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.
Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.
Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.
Byte: That's what the flies do.
Chip: What to munch on.
Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.
Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.
Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.
Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.
Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.
Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.
Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.
Port: Fancy wine.
Enter: C'mon in.
Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.

[StevenNevets]

I've got a few but I think they'd be to inapropriate to say :dunno:

I like yours... Making new posts for every joke too :D

[carl_the_sniper]

icepick:

32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?[/b] :hehehe:

im gona have to try that one

[dos3age]

16 years later
One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.

Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.

So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.

When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.

16 years later

16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"

"What?"

I pissed out a bullet.

So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.

Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."

So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.

Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"

The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."

"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"



dos3age

[atomicbob]

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

The First floor

The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor

The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor

This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor

The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are fucking impossible to please.

The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."